Cinema is the most beautiful fraud in the world...Jean Luc Godard

Not up for writing anything too profound at present...still a bit weary and wary...

Susan in Stitches has a similar list to the one below, except it was books... I'll do that another time... am a bit movie obsessed at present, so this list of the American Film Institutes Top 100 films seems more my speed... the films in bold are the ones I've seen, and the films in italics the one's I'd like to ... as to the rest.. no thank you...

Wow... I've seen 66 of these films...

1. CITIZEN KANE (1941)
2. CASABLANCA (1942)
3. THE GODFATHER (1972)
4. GONE WITH THE WIND (1939)
5. LAWRENCE OF ARABIA (1962)
6. THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939)
7. THE GRADUATE (1967)
8. ON THE WATERFRONT (1954)
9. SCHINDLER'S LIST (1993)
10. SINGIN' IN THE RAIN (1952)
11. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946) - Have DVD
12. SUNSET BOULEVARD (1950)
13. THE BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI (1957)
14. SOME LIKE IT HOT (1959)
15. STAR WARS (1977)
16. ALL ABOUT EVE (1950)
17. THE AFRICAN QUEEN (1951)
18. PSYCHO (1960)
19. CHINATOWN (1974)
20. ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST (1975)
21. THE GRAPES OF WRATH (1940)
22. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)
23. THE MALTESE FALCON (1941)
24. RAGING BULL (1980)
25. E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL (1982)
26. DR. STRANGELOVE (1964)
27. BONNIE AND CLYDE (1967)
28. APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)
29. MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON (1939)
30. THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE (1948)
31. ANNIE HALL (1977)
32. THE GODFATHER PART II (1974)
33. HIGH NOON (1952)
34. TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD (1962)
35. IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT (1934)
36. MIDNIGHT COWBOY (1969)
37. THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES (1946)
38. DOUBLE INDEMNITY (1944)
39. DOCTOR ZHIVAGO (1965)
40. NORTH BY NORTHWEST (1959)
41. WEST SIDE STORY (1961) - Have DVD
42. REAR WINDOW (1954)
43. KING KONG (1933)
44. THE BIRTH OF A NATION (1915)
45. A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE (1951)
46. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE (1971)
47. TAXI DRIVER (1976)
48. JAWS (1975)
49. SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS (1937)
50. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID (1969)
51. THE PHILADELPHIA STORY (1940)
52. FROM HERE TO ETERNITY (1953)
53. AMADEUS (1984)
54. ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT (1930)
55. THE SOUND OF MUSIC (1965) - Have DVD
56. M*A*S*H (1970)
57. THE THIRD MAN (1949)
58. FANTASIA (1940)
59. REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE (1955)
60. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981)
61. VERTIGO (1958)
62. TOOTSIE (1982)
63. STAGECOACH (1939)
64. CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977)
65. THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991)
66. NETWORK (1976)
67. THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (1962)
68. AN AMERICAN IN PARIS (1951)
69. SHANE (1953)
70. THE FRENCH CONNECTION (1971)
71. FORREST GUMP (1994)
72. BEN-HUR (1959)
73. WUTHERING HEIGHTS (1939)
74. THE GOLD RUSH (1925)
75. DANCES WITH WOLVES (1990)
76. CITY LIGHTS (1931)
77. AMERICAN GRAFFITI (1973)
78. ROCKY (1976)
79. THE DEER HUNTER (1978)
80. THE WILD BUNCH (1969)
81. MODERN TIMES (1936)
82. GIANT (1956)
83. PLATOON (1986)
84. FARGO (1996) - Have DVD
85. DUCK SOUP (1933)
86. MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY (1935)
87. FRANKENSTEIN (1931)
88. EASY RIDER (1969)
89. PATTON (1970)
90. THE JAZZ SINGER (1927)
91. MY FAIR LADY (1964)
92. A PLACE IN THE SUN (1951)
93. THE APARTMENT (1960)
94. GOODFELLAS (1990)
95. PULP FICTION (1994)
96. THE SEARCHERS (1956)
97. BRINGING UP BABY (1938)
98. UNFORGIVEN (1992)
99. GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER (1967)
100. YANKEE DOODLE DANDY (1942)

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience...Calvin and Hobbes

Roget's New Millenium Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.3.1)
Main Entry: way with words
Part of Speech: Noun
Definition: command of language
Synonyms: articulateness, articulation, elocution, eloquence, expressiveness, facility of speech, fluency, gift of gab, oratory, silver tongue, word power

I love words... like to say them, read them, write them.

I was very verbal, very early... and still am... but I also learned very early to listen carefully to the words people used, because sometimes what was said, wasn't always what was meant. And the things unsaid were often the most important and how people reacted and responded to the things that were said, were most important of all... all of which learning went completely out the window in the last 48 hours when I turned into the deranged woman from hell... sigh...

I love nothing more than to talk to people, to ask them questions, to explore who they are and how they feel about things. And to entertain them, with stories and anecdotes that are amusing and/or profound.

So it would stand to reason that in my interactions with men, that talking would be important, and for the most part, men have always talked to me, they haven't wanted to date me very often, and most definitely didn't want to marry me, but they always liked to talk...

And the critical thing for me in all of the important relationships with men has been the conversations, the interchange of thoughts, the comfort with which we have shared our hopes and aspirations and fears. I've discovered that I don't care what he does for a living, how much money he makes, whether he showers with me gifts... what I need a man to do is woo me with words...##

There was MFL, a dark, brooding, angst ridden boy when I first met him. We drunkenly pashed the first time we met, and the second time I saw him he resembled a teary, drowned rat, after some family domestic. I wrote him a letter, saying that if he wanted to talk I'd be happy to listen, which started a strange but wonderful relationship. As he describes us, we were friends who complicated things with sex and alcohol. He broke my heart, then mended it again, and I danced at his wedding a few years ago.

There was Boomerang Boy, who sat with me on a park swing on our first date till the wee small hours of the morning talking about everything and all things... His friends said but he doesn't talk... to which I replied, well he talks to me.

I fell in love with him that night, while he struggled so hard to find things we had in common, and he bared his soul. It was easy enough to do, as if I'm honest, I'd been having lustful thoughts in my panties about him for months beforehand... but that night he opened a door to my heart and assigned himself a place in it... but he was often uncomfortable that I knew so much about him...

Looking back, it was doomed to fail... as he isn't naturally communicative, this is the man who doesn't like to talk during sex as it's too distracting! I laughed, apparently, you're not supposed to do that either... Though I have him partly to thank for helping my writing... it was after daring me to explore some fantasies that I wrote a collection of erotic short stories for him...

And S - for 8 years I got to share my workday with a man who respected my thoughts and opinions, and trusted me implicitly. He gave me opportunities, and got out of my way as I explored them. If I'd been married to him, I'd have killed him in a month... as he is so laid back to be almost comatose... but he gets me. He took the time to work out the logic behind my apparently illogical behaviour... which relies a lot on gut, and intuition and my reading of other people. So if I said, that approach isn't going to work with that person, he would listen. Then usually go ahead and do it anyway, just to be contrary and then trust me to work it out...

There was W - my first real experience with being attracted to a man because of his mind, and the things he had to say. From a physical standpoint, I couldn't say I found him appealing, and I'm positive it was the same for him... he was very vocal about the type of women he liked, and I certainly wasn't it...but the conversations! He paid me the ultimate compliment once, by saying he loved arguing with me... not only could I hold up my end of the argument and state my position clearly, I could explain rationally why I felt the way I did. He said I love it, except when you are so good at it that you convince me that you're right and I'm wrong, and then I hate it... bitch!

And then we come to now...

I started to write this post a week ago, but couldn't comfortably post it, as it felt unfinished. And realised today that the reason it was unfinished, as it was a prelude to now, and the absolute balls-up I've made of a friendship with a lovely guy. He's the reason I'm writing here at all, as he's encouraged me to write, write, write as he puts it.

Imagine what it feels like for me, to meet someone who is just genuinely interested in people and engaging in dialogue, who is witty in a slightly off kilter way, and clever, clever, clever... and then imagine me when he seems to take some delight in the things I have to say and the way that I say them. And can more than hold his own on the communication front... he can play the verbiage volley like a champion. Actually I think he's better at this than me, as he wouldn't take a thousand words when only ten will do. His take on all of this would go something like:

Verbose, slightly deranged, but funny girl completely misinterprets and misunderstands interest of polite, short responses boy!

It seemed miraculous that by chance I should stumble across this man... and feel so immediately comfortable talking to him... and in all my excitement, I was totally oblivious to the fact that he's not quite so comfortable with me. Do I think that he enjoys me, yeah, I think he does. Do I freak him out a little, yeah... and after the last 48 hours, I'd say the freak-o-meter is now in the danger zone...sigh...

To be honest, I'm not sure how much of this was about sexual attraction. Was I attracted to him, yes, most definitely. Did he make my loins burn with lust... ahh that would be a no... though I did ask myself the question I always ask... could I kiss this face? And surprised myself by saying yeah, maybe... which is a huge thing for me... while I love men, I can honestly say there aren't too many men that pass the 'could I kiss this face?' test, and if I can't kiss their face, sure as eggs, not going to be doing anything else with them!###

It was the words... the word play... the toing and froing of ideas and silliness that was so attractive. And unbeknown to him, every time he engaged and played with me, I became a little bit more smitten. Every time he told me that I was perceptive and funny and clever, I swooned a little... reacting like a girl that has just been told that she was pretty...

Except there has been some words used that don't make me feel so pretty... like you are unconventional, or you over analyse things, or you think you know me but you don't... which have made me pause... radar quivering, thinking some thing's not quite right here...

And a pattern of advance and withdraw that is scarily familiar... yes I want to play, no I don't... I know none of this was deliberate, and in none of this has he been rude or obnoxious... quite the opposite in fact.

But it was my own response that has worried me most... and the realisation that this has become important, he has become important... when in fact, he's little more than a stranger... and I've allowed myself to get emotionally involved to a much higher level than was warranted... caught up in the words and the dialogue without seeing if there was anything behind them...

And then yesterday with a simple question from him of are you OK... I let all of this worry spew out... talk about somethings are better left unsaid... but I needed to say it... needed to get some sense of where he was coming from... which I did... most definitely...what is it that they say... be careful what you ask, as you may not like the answer...

I think this could be my most spectacular form of self-sabotage yet...

And I'm sad today... not weeping and wailing sad, just sad... sad because I have crashed and burned a sweet and lovely friendship and sad because at the same time I have upset someone who has shown me nothing but kindness.... poor man... and mostly sad because I was enjoying myself... was stimulated and challenged in ways that I haven't been for a long time, if ever... and I'm going to miss this and him...


## I've always said that the way to win me is to stop me talking (and thinking) but am starting to think that what I need is a man who can talk me into bed... imagine a continuous dialogue while you get me naked and horizontal...

### sounds extreme, but I did once have to stop the car on the way home and put my head between my knees and dry-heave into the gutter, after a boy I definitely did not want to, decided to tickle my tonsils. So, am very, very careful not to get myself into situations where that is likely to happen again...

Now I lay me down to sleep...

How do people go to sleep? I'm afraid I've lost the knack. I might try busting myself smartly over the temple with the night-light. I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things. ~Dorothy Parker

I'm not sleeping... have averaged about 4 hours sleep a night for the last fortnight... not unusual for me to have the odd sleepless night and my natural body clock would prefer I was awake till late at night, and then slumber till mid morning and then nap in the afternoon... I can usually make up for any missed sleep of a weekend... but not this weekend...

I'm afraid the usual pattern of insomnia, just lying there knowing that I won't sleep at all, being fiercely tired, but unable to sleep has kicked in, as has the muscle fatigue and aches and pains, where even blinking hurts. Bruises and skin rashes, blisters. And feeling absolutely wretched...and ancient...

The last time this happened was in the weeks just before I left my last job, where I averaged 15 hours of sleep over a 5 day period, and despite working 10 days straight to ensure there was nothing left undone and file notes were updated my boss called me in to give me a lecture for arriving late for work 2 days in a row... bastard...

And a new thing this time around... when I do finally manage to drift off to sleep, my foot or calf cramps, so severely I wake up. And then in trying to work out the cramp in one leg, the other one cramps... and I whimper as I hobble around with my toes curling skyward.

If the neighbours heard me, I'm sure they'd think I was having an orgasm... I moan and groan so much, while my feet imitate pixie shoes... And then I'm back in bed, trying desperately not to move in case I set the cramp off again, and then finally drift off ... and I cramp again...

Doctor yesterday told me to try a herbal remedy, a mixture of magnesium and B vitamins to help with the cramps, and should also help a little with the muscle fatigue, only problem is that it may take 10-14 days to have any effect.

Meanwhile, I slept most of the day yesterday, and then woke and went back to bed this morning as I couldn't face work... ended up going in at 10.00am, with everyone telling me that I looked awful and should I be there, just what you want to hear, when it's the last place you want to be.

Then upset someone who was trying to be nice to me... and wanted to put my head down on my desk and bawl like a baby... waited till I got home to do that... though it could have been worse... have an alarming tendency to cry in the car lately... not sure why... just thinking about something sad and off I go...

I probably would have been better staying home, as I managed to do almost bugger all... and only realised when I got home that I'd forgotten to eat... again...

Biggest problem with not sleeping, is that's more time to be thinking... as if I don't do enough of that already... and while sometimes the wee small hours can produce wonderful ideas and thoughts... it can also mean feeling very woebegone... particularly when you're trying to massage out a cramp that you can't reach cause you're legs have gone mental... and you wish that there was someone there to massage it for you... or just to keep you company in the dark by talking quietly to you...

Roll on Easter... when I get to have my 10 day break... if I manage to last that long...

Lights, camera, action....

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Don't you wish sometimes that your life could be like a movie? With all things resolved satisfactorily at the end of the final reel...

I love the movies, it's only recently that I've realised that not everyone else is as obsessive about them as I am... well apart from ... that is.

Have been a movie nut since childhood, probably cause my Dad was, though we only went to the movies once a year when I was little. My aunty used to send us all $1 for Christmas, and we'd go into the city and see a movie over the holidays, and have a choc top each, and then go to Coles Caf for a pie and peas, and if the family was really flush with cash and Dad was in a generous mood, maybe waffles and icecream and then walk up to see the Myer's windows. The movies were either the latest Disney film or the latest musical, so we saw Bedknobs and Broomsticks, Oliver, The Sound of Music, Cinderella, The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes, The Love Bug. We stopped going at Christmas when we all got the age that we wanted to see different films, though from that point on, I went to the movies a lot with friends.

At High School (1975-1976), we had activity day, were kids could pick some activity they wanted to do, i.e. basketball, horseriding etc. My gang of mates went to the movies, pretty much every week! I saw Sunshine, The Way We Were, The Towering Inferno, The Poseidon Adventure, The Trial of Billy Jack, Rollerball.

And then one year the principal organised a film festival at the Valhalla, when it used to be in Richmond. Some films were mandatory, some were elective...I saw everything, 26 movies in 5 days... Twelve Angry Men, Sunday Too Far Away, Chinatown, Henry IV, A Streetcar Named Desire, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, The Fearless Vampire Killers (aka Pardon me, but your teeth are in my neck), Paint Your Wagon, A Night at the Opera, Sleeper... I was as sick as a dog by the end of it with flu, but it was bliss...

I don't get to go the movies as often these days, but am still pretty obsessive, either borrowing DVDs or buying them... I've never paid more than $15 for a DVD but am amassing quite a collection of them, all films I've seen and loved. Last week I bought: The Sure Thing, 10 Things I Hate About You, Willow, Big Trouble in Little China and Pride and Prejudice.

I wonder what my DVD collection would say about me (a lot of the movies listed in the link on my blog are in my collection)? Maybe I need to do a Movie Monday, like Mez's Music Monday... a Froufrou review of a couple of films that I love and why...

Tattoo you... well tattoo me actually....

I've always been fascinated by tattoos ... used to stare at my cousin's beefeater arms with their semi-naked ladies when I was child. Didn't like them, but was fascinated. A boy I had a crush on years ago had a bluebird tattooed above his heart... I liked that one... well, I liked the boy and the chest that it was on.

And when the celtic/ tribal tattoos took off, I really liked those. I like to know why people have them, and I can admire the skill of the artist often, even if I couldn't imagine having that inked on to my skin. So, I flirted with the idea of getting a tattoo for years, and the year I was turning 38 decided to do it while in Sydney for the Mardi Gras with a friend.

I wasn't sure what I wanted ... thought about my astrological sign, Pisces and also thought about a moon of some sort... as I have a strong affinity to the moon, always have had....##

I also love butterflies... for some people they represent the futility of life, once a butterfly emerges from the chrysalis they only live for 4 to 10 days... but for me they represent transformation and change, I had changed... and wanted something to reflect that change. So, I picked a butterfly...a small butterfly tattooed on my hip... so small in fact, that if I don't wear my glasses it looks like a multicoloured bruise.

Angus the Folly (also known as Boomerang Boy) was horrified when I told him that I wanted to get one. I hate tattoos, says he. So what, says I, I like them. He didn't believe I'd do it, actually I wasn't so sure myself... When I got back from Sydney, very proud of my little butterfly I had this conversation with him over the phone:

BB: Did you do it? Did you get one?

MFF: Yeah, I did.

BB: What did you get?

MFF: I got our initials tattooed inside a heart on my right boob

BB: What!!!! Are you for real?

MFF: No, stupid... as if I would...

BB: Well, what then?

MFF: You know that Where's Wally game?

BB: Yes, I love that game...

MFF: Well, we could play our own private version of Where's Wally...

BB: What!!!! Seriously?

MFF: How about you find out for yourself next time I see you...

He never did get to see it, as he boomeranged out of my life again quite dramatically not long after...

People's reactions to the fact that I have one is always fascinating.### Lots of disapproval, lots of how could you be so stupid etc. Particularly from men around my age or older... I kind of liked the idea of turning people's perceptions of me on their head a little, this was such a personal thing, a declaration that my body was mine, to do with what I will....

I always intended to have another done... I truly loved the experience, love the memory of that time, and how I felt... and thought about adding to the butterfly collection... to end up with a scattering of butterflies all over my body... still kind of like that idea...and as my birthday approached this year, thought about it again.

The universe is sending me strong messages about this tattoo thing... NPNP and I discussed finding a tattooist a few weeks ago. I thought again about my zodiac sign, and also about a tree of some sort, as I seem to be dreaming and meditating a lot about trees lately. Or the chinese symbols for wisdom and hope... though have heard a story about someone having the chinese symbol for tattoo tattooed on them... which is funny...

And then one of the blogs I've started to read had a link to an old post tattoos being sexy, and talked about how you need to find a tattoo that represents who you are...so, I started to ponder a bit... who am I now?

One of the bloggers who commented on the post above talked about having the word 'yes' tattooed on the back of her waist, and I thought about what word would best describe me... and immediately thought the word that best describes me is ...why... and then thought again of a guy I dated briefly suggesting I should have a giant ? placed on my tombstone to indicate what an enigma I was... so started thinking about a series of small question marks. Actually have seen a yin/yang symbol that has 2 question marks inside it, that looks pretty cool too...

And then today at work, in having a discussion about the appropriateness of footwear worn on casual days (barefoot or rubber thongs) I looked down at a colleague's foot and noticed a gorgeous tattoo ... a spiral inside a scroll along the edge of her foot, trailing down from her little toe. I commented on her 'great tatt' and she said thanks and we then had a chat and I discovered that her brother is a tattooist, working locally. She's going to give me his name and let him know I'm going to ring, as he only does work by referral.

So, it looks like the universe is sending me the opportunity to do this... I just need to decide on the what, where and when.####

## and to anyone who wants to make a cheap crack about my affinity with the moon and my odd moments of lunacy I say pfft....

### At my birthday party that year, I happily showed off my butterfly, until my boss, licked his thumb and rubbed his hand over it - not believing it was real. Forget how weird it was to have my very hunky boss rub spit on me, to say his wife (who was standing beside him at the time) was unimpressed was an understatement

#### Where? - I'm pretty sure I want something on my shoulder... not hidden exactly, but not obvious. When? - soon I hope. What? - still don't know... any suggestions?

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up....

My friend flickchick sent this to me today, as she's busting a boiler to send it on to anyone but is concerned about who she should send it to, as some of her best friends are Librarians... and they might take offence.

She knew I'd like it as I know she used to be a Librarian, but she's alright now...


Of course, what I'd really like to be is one of these...

PS. Look what they say about blogs!

Guess what I've been doing all night...

Boomshine

Am I odd?... holidays

I applied for holidays today... am taking the 4 days following the Easter break with the intention of going into 'solitary confinement' and:

* Sleeping till I wake up... no alarm for 10 days
* Staying up all night if I feel like it reading or watching bad tv
* Wearing either my pj's or my trackies (preferably without underwear) every day
* Not wearing shoes, but skidding around the house in thick comfy socks
* Having a bubble bath, with candles and wine, and then slathering moisturiser all over and doing the whole facial thing every day
* Taking a drink and a book and stretching out on the bed for the afternoon and then napping without guilt
* Net surfing to my hearts content... and let it take me where it will
* Doing something creative... without any sense of urgency, but just because I want to, like knitting a scarf or working on some quilting
* Hopefully managing to avoid people organising catch ups cause I'm on holidays... I wonder if I can beat my own record of not speaking to a single soul except the cats for 4 days straight?
* Stocking up on supplies, so I don't need to shop... instead making a big pot of minestrone and eating the same thing every day... or being really indulgent and ordering home delivered food every second day... damn... that would mean talking to someone

And most importantly...

* Having a go at putting down on paper the ideas for a story floating through my head

So... Am I Odd?

The Empress' New Clothes...

I've been shopping a lot lately. Haven't bought a great deal, but not through lack of trying. I don't think guys understand how truly frustrating it can be shopping for clothes, especially clothes for me... here are some of the reasons why:

The Land of the Giants... I'm 5ft 2, so a bit of a shorty. A guy once told me I was almost a dwarf, which was a bit extreme, but I'm little, and I compound that by never wearing heels (that's a life-preserving technique as I've been known to trip over ants). So I'm pretty low to the ground and as previously mentioned, I'm also someone that will never, ever be called slim.

Finding clothes to fit me, is almost as difficult as finding clothes that suit me. I don't know why the assumption is that just because you've got an ample bosom and a big bottom, that you're also tall. If I cut the excess fabric off a pair of trousers I tried on the other day I would have had enough material to make myself a vest!

And in most cases the trousers are so full, that if I took them up to where I need them to be, I'd be wearing clown pants...

You used to be able to buy trousers in different lengths, short legged, regular and long legged. Now, all I can do is buy what are meant to be 3/4 pants and have them sit just above my ankle.


Did someone mention clowns?.. For the first time in several years, the colours that are in this year are colours that I love... greys, black, white and red, red, red...

Except when you go into the big girls shops, were the majority of clothes are bright orange, lime green, purple and a particularly virulent shade of turquoise, and sometimes that's all in the same outfit.

Those Frills and Things and Buttons and Bows... why do they assume that big girls all want to audition for jobs at Darryl Lea? Remember those flowery smocks with the big floppy bows... well that's mostly what you've got to deal with. Or frilly bits, particularly around your cleavage... or sequins... I'm only wearing sequins when I accept my Academy Award for best screenwriter/ actress/ director!

And more on buttons... this is not an exclusive to big girls gripe... this applies to all women's shirts... we know what you're doing, so you better stop it right now, you dastardly bean counters, who have decided to decrease the number of buttons on shirts in an attempt to keep costs down. So instead of the required number of buttons, you've removed the odd one or two, and then spaced out the buttonholes with the end result being, no matter how big and loose the shirt, as soon as you sit or move your arms, you end up a with huge gape across your chest...

Size does matter... these are real experiences I've had in the last few weeks.

An itty bitty thing, probably all of 16, and about size 4, with her spakfilla makeup and braces when I asked if the store had leggings in my size, gave me the look up and down and said 'not in your size we haven't'.

My mum got very enthused over a lovely cardy for me in a well known store recently, and when I said there's no point looking at it as it won't fit, said but these go up to an x-large. When I said, an x-large in this store is probably a size 16, she didn't believe me, until we asked a shop assistant, only to have her say an x-large was a 14!

And then the polar opposite... a friend from work had great fun throwing clothes at me over the top of the change room door at a major department store last Friday night. Try this on... now try this on... She was surprised when I said, this x-large is going to be way too big... I'm going to need a small! She didn't realise that most big girl labels also use the small, medium, large, x-large sizes, but in this instance the x-large meant a size 24+. She cracked up when I opened the door clutching a skirt at my waist, and then let it go, and watched it fall gracefully around my feet.

And don't get me started on lingerie... I want to be able to wear every colour of the rainbow under my clothes... was very keen on a set of red velvet bra and knickers until I realised they weren't in my size. Doesn't matter anyway, as I think they were designed for boys in mind, as the velvet was on the outside...

Meditative Musings #1... The Fool...

I have been part of a meditation group that has met for over 2 years that has used the Tarot as a starting point for guided meditations, which we then journal. The format has changed over time, originally we focused on the 22 Major Arcana cards, and then moved on to do the same with each of the 56 Minor Arcana cards, we are almost finished, with only 6 or so cards remaining.

I've been reading back through my journal, looking at some of the meditations and the themes underlying them. Some weeks my journal simply records my observations of the card, and other notes on how successfully I meditated. In other instances there are characters that I'd like to try to tie together into some form of narrative, as it seems they are the same people, being represented at different stages.

I'm going to try to flesh some of this out here over time, not in any linear fashion, just picking things at random...

The Fool... (Little Red Cap/Little Red Riding Hood - Inner Child Deck) - May 19th 2005

Traditional meaning of The Fool (0) Card - the card of infinite possibilities. A fool's journey, or a journey of new beginnings. Being prepared to take a leap of faith, but can also be a card of warning, stop daydreaming and fantasizing and watch your step.

My notes then ... wandering blithely through the forest... unaware of danger lurking or unconcerned... innocent...

Very attracted to the colours, the red butterfly, wanting the energy of the red but the calm of the green.

I want to walk through the arch and start the journey... don't care where I'm going as long as I don't stay here!

This reminds me of a physic about 6 years ago telling me that I was like Little Red Riding Hood, wandering through the forest, being distracted and diverting off the path instead of going straight down the road to where I'm going. And then I complain, because I meet the Big Bad Wolf, but if I'd stayed on the path where I belonged, I'd be safe.

I know where I'm going, the destination isn't important,
but the journey and what happens along the way is!

My meditation... I was standing, waiting, leaning against a tree, almost like I was part of the tree. I was looking into the distance, with cliffs on my right, the sea directly in front of me with a boat waiting for me. The water was calm, the day bright and clear, with white fluffy clouds overhead. The forest around the tree was so green, lush with vegetation. There was a message... be prepared, ready to go, ready to leave something behind.

Now... the meditation itself seems pretty meaningless now, but almost two years later, some of the things I thought about then are still circling around.

There was too much going on back then, too much of the boomerang relationship with Angus the Folly, dealing with the loss of my Dad, problems with family and work for me to be prepared to wholeheartedly embrace the idea of new beginnings.

But having let go of the past, I finally feel like I'm ready to move on, and have felt like this since mid last year, but never more so than now. I've never been into skipping ahead to the end of a book, it's the reading and the unfolding of the story that is most important to me.

The same is true in regards to my life in general, don't care were it's heading, as long as it's moving...

Is it just a coincidence that for the combined birthday party being planned for NPNP and I that I want to go as Red Riding Hood? Almost from the day we decided on the theme, that is what I wanted to be. Have already bought myself a Red Cape in preparation for it.

I know the original story had strong sexual overtones as did others (it wasn't a 'kiss' that finally woke up Sleeping Beauty) and I've been joking with friends about wanting to meet the Big Bad Wolf.

So.. Wolfy... wherever you are... hurry up and get your skates on... there's a not so little Red Cap stamping her foot delicately on the ground, waiting to be tempted and to tempt you...

Quotes I Live My Life By...

"I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after" - Chick (I have no idea who this is)

"Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle" - Lewis Carroll

"Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try" - Theodor Geisel, Dr. Seuss

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then" - Katherine Hepburn

"No man is sane who does not know how to be insane on proper occasions" - Henry Ward Beecher

"I love people, I love my family... but inside myself is a place where I live alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up" - Pearl S. Buck

"She is too fond of books, it has turned her brain" - Louisa May Alcott

"Love doesn't make the world go 'round, loves what makes the ride worthwhile" - Franklin P. Jones

"If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle" - Rita Mae Brown

"Reality leaves a lot to the imagination" - John Lennon

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats" - Albert Schweitzer

"Remember to always be yourself, unless you suck..." - Josh Whedon

"Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, work when people are watching" - Scott Adams

"I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional but you can't have everything" - The Purple Rose of Cairo/Woody Allen

"Here's all you have to know about men and women. Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy, is because men are stupid" - George Carlin

"Age is something that doesn't matter - unless you are a cheese" - Billie Burke

"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it" - Dorothy Parker

My Catalogue Card

I had fun this morning, sitting here in my pj's creating my own library catalogue card, after seeing the link posted on Catsmum's site.

You can make one of your own here

Birthday +'s and -'s

I still haven't written about my birthday weekend!

Probably cause I've got mixed feelings about it... I had a lovely weekend, much better and busier than I had planned or expected it to be... but at the same time a sense of melancholy running through it... while I wouldn't have changed any of it, there's a part of me that wonders if I might not have been better off spending the weekend at home in my pj's like I had originally planned...

Turning 46 seems incredible really... it was only yesterday that I was that girl in the photo on the left... can remember the day it was taken at kindergarten. Apparently I followed the photographer around all day, and posed for him every time he turned around. When the proofs came back, there were 3 photos of me for every 1 of everyone else. Gee... it's a bit different now... I can't stand having my photo taken...

Positive things about my birthday:

Catch up with friends for Choir of Hard Knocks gala concert and decision to join the Melbourne Millennium Chorus - and finally get the chance to sing, loudly... in public...

Mad Splurge of retail therapy - buying tops, and shoes, and red lipstick and 3 new pair of pj's - considering how much time I've been spending in my pj's, they were the most exciting purchase...

Being serenaded with Happy Birthday's over the phone from not only FBG and Miss La De Da but also from Peter Rabbit... which was a delightful surprise, as he admits to not remembering birthdays and hating singing...

Tarot Reading - which was interesting, telling me about the year ahead... which will be one of extremes by the sound of it... lots of good things and more likely followed by lots of not so good things... though she said that's probably been happening for awhile and I agreed... the Moon is the prevailing influence, which means I'm going to wax and wane a bit... and probably continue to vacillate between mad outbursts of activity and almost total seclusion... though she said there are boys coming... not 1, not 2, but 3 of them...

Lunch with FBG and her Fish-a-man on Sunday... and had a lovely time catching up... she looks so much happier than she was this time last year... though my missing the turn-off had me almost to Philip Island...and then dinner and a catch up with Miss La De Da and her man...and a lazy day of chatting with NPNP over mediocre fish 'n chips but excellent chocolate...

Angus the Folly did not send me a Happy Birthday message... which means I think that chapter is well and truly over...

Being OK about that chapter being well and truly over...

Negative things about my birthday:

Sister's phone call to ask if I was doing anything for my birthday, cause if I wasn't she wouldn't need to buy me a present! She then kindly offered to come over for coffee if I'd like to buy a cake and I very kindly declined her offer...

Upsetting my Mum, with my moods and 'hermit' behaviour, who mailed by birthday card to me (she lives 5 minutes away) and then left a 'as I don't know when I'll see you next I'm just ringing to wish you a Happy Birthday" message on my machine. I didn't know this, when I rang her to say, could I call in the following afternoon. And when I asked would she like me to bring some afternoon tea (something I normally do, if I call in on Saturday afternoons) she said, not particularly, unless you want to. I decided not to buy anything...

Fish-a-man's friend that I got dressed up for on the off chance that he might be there, as he'd an expressed an interest in meeting me, did not show...

Tarot Teacher could not provide any more detail other than the following about the not 1, not 2 but 3 boys who might be coming... one is a Fire sign (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) and will require me to have the Patience of Job if I want the relationship to progress - apparently I can't push the river@@... one is an Air sign (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) and will be a meeting of the minds, he will encourage me in some endeavour, possibly a new job... the other is an Earth sign (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) and she was vague but said I should pay attention ##

My pledge to have lots of sex with a man I like a lot before my 46th birthday went unfulfilled... probably cause I can't remember the last time I met a man I liked a lot enough to want to have sex with him...

The realisation that at 46 it's now unlikely, if not impossible, that I will ever have a child of my own... probably cause I can't remember the last time I met a man I liked a lot enough to want to have sex with him...


## If you're a Water sign (Pisces, Scorpio Cancer) - bad luck! And bad luck to me, by her reckoning I should be paying attention to 9/12ths of the male population...

@@ Not pushing the river, may very well mean I won't have lots of sex with a man I like a lot until I'm 50

Blogging for the lazy and self absorbed...

Was going to write about my birthday weekend, and then one of the cats - I think Gertie, who shared some of the pork from my Singapore Noodles dinner - upchucked all over the carpet!

Got a bit distracted cleaning up and then looking for some funny happy birthday photo and stumbled across this site full of girly quizzes and here I be...

You Are a Plain Ole Cup of Joe

But don't think plain - instead think, uncomplicated You're a low maintenance kind of girl... who can hang with the guys Down to earth, easy going, and fun! Yup, that's you: the friend everyone invites. And your dependable too. Both for a laugh and a sympathetic ear.

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Really! Was once told I was an such an enigma I should have a ? placed on my tombstone... though I think I'm a 'what you see is what you get' kind of girl, not everyone would agree... NPNP told me just yesterday that everyone knows I'm a wack job but they like me - she's no slouch at being a non-practising nice person!

Men See You As Understated

You are an intriguing mix of girl and woman. You're feminine, quiet, and a total mystery to most men. Yet they often feel the urge to protect you, even if they don't know you. You *are* a flirt, but you usually only flirt with those you know well

How Do Men See You?

Yep, enigma!

You Should Get A Butterfly Tattoo

Girly and funky For you, tattoos are a thing of beauty - not toughness

What Tattoo Should You Get?

Don't you just hate being predictable! Though am scouting design ideas for another one... want one that I don't need to strip to be able to show someone...and it could be a little bigger next time, without my glasses it's just a small multicoloured blur in the mirror...

You Are Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"We saved the world. I say we have to party."

What Superheroine Are You?

Buffy! My girl... though I'd really rather be Willow - she got to make out with both a girl and Seth Green...sigh...

Your Aura is Yellow

Your Personality: Life's too short not to have fun. Your bright energy brings joy and laughter to those around you. You in Love: A total flirt, you need a lot of freedom to play. But you'll be loyal to that one man who makes you feel safe. Your Career: You love variety in a job, and you probably won't stick with one career. You would make a great professor, writer, or actress.

What Color Is Your Aura?

So sue me, I like this one!

You Are White Wine

Breezy and casual, you know how to have fun when you're drinking. And even though you can kick back with a few drinks, you never let things get out of hand. Alcohol is not a social lubricant for you... it just enhances your already sparkling personality. You prefer to date a man who is optimistic, friendly, and funny.

What Alcoholic Drink Are You?

I'd like to think I'm a full-bodied, uncomplicated and inexpensive Chardy...

Your Vibe Is Somewhat Sexy

On a good day, you're the sexiest woman in the world But on a bad day, you can't help but feel a little average Try to remember the times you've felt the sexiest... And keep that attitude even on the worst of days

How Sexy Is Your Vibe?

Somewhat sexy - talk about ambivalence...Doh!

You Are Psyche!

Eternally in search of purpose and insight. You're curious and creative with a total sense of wonder. Totally empathetic, you pick up on other's moods easily. Just be sure to pamper yourself as well!

What Goddess Are You?

So, there goes my Aphrodite in training wheels persona!

You Are Fun Sexy

You're funny, quirky, cute, and sassy. Guys always have a great time with you, and that alone is sexy. You've got an upbeat, optimistic spirit that totally shines through. Any guy would be crazy to turn you down!

What Kind of Sexy Are You?

And yet they do...

You Are 40% Girly

You are a pretty hardcore tomboy, and a very free spirit. Gender roles be dammed, you like to do things your way.

How Girly Are You?

Yep, enigmatic, honorary boy... story of my life...

Your Life is Like

Say Anything...

What John Cusack Movie Are You?

I love this movie... well, love pretty much anything that John Cusack is in... but this was one of the early ones, with The Sure Thing. And this was the first time I saw Lili Taylor, who is one of my all time favourite actresses... she steals every thing she's ever been in...

Your Famous Movie Kiss is from Spiderman

"I have always been standing in your doorway. Isn't it about time somebody saved your life?"

What Famous Movie Kiss Are You?

Tobey McGuire and Kirsten Dunst - both strangely weird looking kids... but that kiss was pretty amazing...

Your Love Quote

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.

What Love Quote Suits You?

And yet boys can't seem to work out that kissing me is a very effective way of ensuring I stop talking...particularly if you're hanging upside down...

Going to stop talking now...g'night... xxxx

Songs to Remember By...

On Wednesday night, following a recommendation from Jappa, 3 friends and I went to see the gala launch of the Choir of Hard Knocks at the Melbourne Town Hall, which was truly inspirational. They sang like angels, and we all found ourselves moved to tears and I'd heartily recommend you try to catch them if they come to your area.

I've realised that music is something that I can measure my life by, important and not so important moments, both good and bad times... there is usually some song that reflects that time or feelings, with songs capable of bringing back a time and place so vividly...

I love music, and love singing, though was told as a young girl in the school choir to sing 'quietly' i.e. mime, so was very self-conscious of singing for most of my life... and equally as self-conscious of dancing until I hit my 30s (would only dance when I was drunk before then and then I would dance on the tables!).

That doesn't stop music from being as vital as breathing to me... so here then are some of the songs that reflect me and my life...

Someday, One Day - The Seekers (people say your a dreamer, what do they know of what your thinking, if you believe in what your doing, then believe in what I say)- this creates the most vivid memory of first year at primary school, and being dropped off at a family friends house before school. I have never been much of a morning person, even as a little girl, so being bundled out of the house to go to a strangers home at the start of each day was a stress for me... but this song, which must have been in the charts at the time always seemed to be on the radio, and we got warm porridge and honey for breakfast ...yum...

Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime - Dean Martin - we had a turquoise VW beetle with a radio that didn't work, so car trips usually involved us kids sitting in the back singing songs to entertain my Dad. Invariably, he would warble this to us - but changing the lyrics to 'something in your kiss just told me, I've just kissed a cow!

Lullaby of Broadway - goodnight baby, goodnight, the milkman's on his way, sleep tight baby, sleep tight, let's call it a day - my first dance lessons, in a local hall with the daughter of a neighbour, we did a dance routine to this song, a sort of tap/ ballet fusion... I was probably 6 and already completely uncoordinated and had such a miserable time of it that I didn't dance on stage again until I was 38!

Lipstick on Your Collar - Connie Francis - this is one for Miss La De Da - her and my sister age about 10, learning the lyrics and putting on a show for the family. For some reason this song also has the visual memory of MLDD masticating a banana sandwich with her mouth open... yuk!

Slipstream -Sherbet, Living in the 70's - Skyhooks, High Voltage - AC/DC, Hard Road - Stevie Wright - the soundtrack of my teens, the first 4 albums I bought when I got a part-time job in a lotto/record/gift store. My first concert, Festival Hall, Buster Brown with Angry Anderson on vocals, Skyhooks just as their first album was released and Sherbet!

Turn the Beat Around - Vicki Sue Robinson - 17 years old, Collingwood Districts Football Club Disco - at a hall in Carlton North every Saturday night, $3 for chicks, $8 for blokes, as most of the chicks brought their Asti Spumante, and they had a keg of beer for the boys. I drank beer with the usual result of being totally rat-assed by the end of the night. A gorgeous (think young Robert Redford) boy used to pounce on me most Saturdays, put my hand in the back pocket of his jeans, and dance close, telling all and sundry I was his wife... and then completely blank me if he saw me on the street during the week, only to repeat the whole routine the following Saturday... talk about being confused... He gave me my first (and probably only) illicit drug, telling me it would make me feel better, and then had to spend the night wrapped around me in the backseat of a car while I screamed and howled my way down from the trip from hell. He spread the word that anyone giving me anything stronger than beer was going to answer to him, and then blackened his mate's eye when mate shoved a bottle under my nose, saying sniff this!

Counting the Beat - The Swingers - my semi-punk days, short peroxide blonde hair, with jet black wispy bits stuck to my cheek, a multi-coloured bomber jacket, tight black skirt, one aqua stocking, one red, covered by fishnets... thought I was really cool, but never wore the outfit again after we walked into the pub one night to hear 'OK, we can start now, the circus has arrived'

Walking on the Moon - The Police - giant steps are what you take, walking on the moon, I hope my legs don't break, walking on the moon - first full-time job, living away from home for the first time in a share house with 2 chicks and a bloke in Richmond. The band stayed at the motel I worked at their first tour out, and we saw them play at Festival Hall...

Gonna Fly Now - The Theme from Rocky - aah, liniment, smelly socks and boys... football club rooms and the big difference between juniors and seniors is that seniors like to walk around naked... oh my... I don't like football... I like footballers!

Rhiannon - Fleetwood Mac - My First Love sang this to me the night we met... both slightly intoxicated, sleepily sitting on Gossy's mum's couch close to midnight after he'd played in the winning grand final for his local team. He sang this quietly into my ear while he stroked my hair and then he kissed me... **

No Lies - Noiseworks - one of my groupie stages++ (no sex though drats!)... sent the guys a bunch of balloons while they were recording their first album in Melbourne and came home to a gorgeous message on the machine from Jon Stevens. Meet them after a gig at the then Bell Street Rock one Easter, and they put my name on the door for every Melbourne gig for the next few years. Even got an invite up to Sydney for the filming of an MTV special when the album was released.

How Do I Live Without You - Trisha Yearwood, Easy - Faith No More, Throwing Cooper - Live - sitting on the swings at Fairfield Park at 3.00am talking to Angus Folly Boy on our first date, and his relief after about half an hour of debate in discovering yes, we did like some of the same music - he was a metal head, and I'm a musical theatre girl! I sprinkled these songs through mix tapes that I played at ten pin bowling and we'd make eye contact across a crowded bowling alley and smile at each other.

Big Spender - Sweet Charity - so let me get right to the point, I don't pop my cork for every guy I see - finally putting the past and self-consciousness behind me and belting this out at karaoke at a work Christmas Party without worrying about what I sounded like... the fact that I was 12 kinds of pissed probably helped... but singing the love song duet with my boss at midnight was probably a bad move...

Would you...? - Touch and Go -I've noticed you around, I find you very attractive, would you, um, um, would you go to bed with me? - I laughed out loud (it was either that or cry) when this was playing on the radio after leaving Angus Folly Boy's house the ill-fated night he planned the big seduction scene. I arrived to find him almost crippled with back pain, which was bad enough, and then his brother deliberately came home to check me out, when he'd been told to stay away - add a malamute that went for the crotch snuggle every time she came into the room and his bedroom walls covered with photo's of naked women in poses only their gyno should see and is it any wonder I said there was no way I was going to get naaaaked!

The Healer - John Lee Hooker - first time I got my feet and brain to work in sync at Miss Lou Lou's Tap Dancing Academy, age 38! Heah ma, I can dance!%% Went on to dance at the National Theatre to The MilkShake - The Village People dressed as a cow, Tijuana Taxi by Herb Albert in sombrero and poncho and a fake moustache that kept falling off, as a gold tinselly sausage, I mean, showgirl to Madonna's Hanky Panky, and my swan-song - Singing in the Rain by Gene Kelly dressed as a duck!

** MFL is still the kisser against whom all other kissers are judged...

++ Wrote to bass player of MiSex once, and we started a telephone/ letter exchange for awhile - he'd ring when the band were down and we'd chat about music and stuff, and again, my name on the door at gigs, but I never actually met him...


%% Well, actually I can't really... why a girl who spends most of her time dancing from the waist up, lots of hand gestures, not a lot of foot work, ever took up tap is beyond me. The first time I ever persevered with something I suck at big time! It was fun, but after 5 years you were actually expected to be pretty good!!!

It's not over till the fat lady sings....part 2...Musings from an Undomesticated Goddess of the Venus Variety

A quick postscript from my earlier blog... the lady is determined to get me to change that blasted blog title... but I love her anyway... particularly when she sent me this asking me if I've been posing again lately...


Except for the hair, it's a fair likeness... nah.. my boobs are bigger!