The Empress' New Clothes...

I've been shopping a lot lately. Haven't bought a great deal, but not through lack of trying. I don't think guys understand how truly frustrating it can be shopping for clothes, especially clothes for me... here are some of the reasons why:

The Land of the Giants... I'm 5ft 2, so a bit of a shorty. A guy once told me I was almost a dwarf, which was a bit extreme, but I'm little, and I compound that by never wearing heels (that's a life-preserving technique as I've been known to trip over ants). So I'm pretty low to the ground and as previously mentioned, I'm also someone that will never, ever be called slim.

Finding clothes to fit me, is almost as difficult as finding clothes that suit me. I don't know why the assumption is that just because you've got an ample bosom and a big bottom, that you're also tall. If I cut the excess fabric off a pair of trousers I tried on the other day I would have had enough material to make myself a vest!

And in most cases the trousers are so full, that if I took them up to where I need them to be, I'd be wearing clown pants...

You used to be able to buy trousers in different lengths, short legged, regular and long legged. Now, all I can do is buy what are meant to be 3/4 pants and have them sit just above my ankle.


Did someone mention clowns?.. For the first time in several years, the colours that are in this year are colours that I love... greys, black, white and red, red, red...

Except when you go into the big girls shops, were the majority of clothes are bright orange, lime green, purple and a particularly virulent shade of turquoise, and sometimes that's all in the same outfit.

Those Frills and Things and Buttons and Bows... why do they assume that big girls all want to audition for jobs at Darryl Lea? Remember those flowery smocks with the big floppy bows... well that's mostly what you've got to deal with. Or frilly bits, particularly around your cleavage... or sequins... I'm only wearing sequins when I accept my Academy Award for best screenwriter/ actress/ director!

And more on buttons... this is not an exclusive to big girls gripe... this applies to all women's shirts... we know what you're doing, so you better stop it right now, you dastardly bean counters, who have decided to decrease the number of buttons on shirts in an attempt to keep costs down. So instead of the required number of buttons, you've removed the odd one or two, and then spaced out the buttonholes with the end result being, no matter how big and loose the shirt, as soon as you sit or move your arms, you end up a with huge gape across your chest...

Size does matter... these are real experiences I've had in the last few weeks.

An itty bitty thing, probably all of 16, and about size 4, with her spakfilla makeup and braces when I asked if the store had leggings in my size, gave me the look up and down and said 'not in your size we haven't'.

My mum got very enthused over a lovely cardy for me in a well known store recently, and when I said there's no point looking at it as it won't fit, said but these go up to an x-large. When I said, an x-large in this store is probably a size 16, she didn't believe me, until we asked a shop assistant, only to have her say an x-large was a 14!

And then the polar opposite... a friend from work had great fun throwing clothes at me over the top of the change room door at a major department store last Friday night. Try this on... now try this on... She was surprised when I said, this x-large is going to be way too big... I'm going to need a small! She didn't realise that most big girl labels also use the small, medium, large, x-large sizes, but in this instance the x-large meant a size 24+. She cracked up when I opened the door clutching a skirt at my waist, and then let it go, and watched it fall gracefully around my feet.

And don't get me started on lingerie... I want to be able to wear every colour of the rainbow under my clothes... was very keen on a set of red velvet bra and knickers until I realised they weren't in my size. Doesn't matter anyway, as I think they were designed for boys in mind, as the velvet was on the outside...