Real Women .... the musical

Today I realised that I hadn't done the Real Woman MEME that Sheila tagged me on. Will admit that I've struggled a bit with this one... what is a real woman... you're asking me? I think it's the word 'real' that I have a problem with, it's a judgement, I struggle a lot with words that can be seen as judgement ... like normal, ordinary... real!

Last night I went to see The Sound of Music Drag Show, as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Talk about laugh until you almost pee... though I will never be able to watch The Sound of Music again without rethinking the Baroness and Maria's relationship!

In the car driving back to where we had all parked in nearby Richmond, we were singing various show tunes, as you do! And today have been thinking about songs from musicals that I feel some connection with, as a woman... so a tongue in cheek response to what is a real woman, as defined by Miss Frou Frou and the wonderful world of musical theatre...

Real Women look out for their friends…
We'll always be bosom buddies, Friends, sisters and pals;
If life should reject you, There's me to protect you.
If I say that your tongue is vicious, If I call you uncouth;
It's simply that who else but a bosom buddy, Will sit down and tell you the truth.

Tho' now and again I'm aware that my candid opinion may sting,
Tho' often my frank observation might scald;
I've been meanin' to tell you for years, you should keep your hair natural like mine,
If I kept my hair natural like yours, I'd be bald.

Each time that a critic has written, "Your voice is the voice of a frog!"
Straight to your side to defend you I rush;
You know that I'm there ev'ry time that the world makes and unkind remark,
When they say "Vera Charles is the world's greatest lush!"

I feel it's my duty to tell you it's time to adjust to your age; you try to be "Peg O' My Heart", when you're "Lady Macbeth."
Exactly how old are you, Vera? The truth! Well, how old do you think? I'd say somewhere in between forty and the death!
Bosom Buddies, Mame, Jerry Herman

Real Women make their own lives…
There's gotta be something better than this,
There's gotta be something better to do.
And when I find me something better to do,
I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out I'm gonna get up, get out and do it!

There's gotta be some respectable trade,
There's gotta be something easy to learn.
And if I find me something a halfwit can learn,
I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out, I'm gonna get up, get out and learn it!

There's gotta be some life cleaner than this,
There's gotta be some good reason to live.
And when I find me some kind of life I can live,
I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out, I'm gonna get up, get out and live it!
There’s Got to Be Something Better Than This, Sweet Charity, Coleman/ Fields

Real Women lead by example…
Careful the things you say, Children will listen.
Careful the things you do, Children will see.
And learn.

Children may not obey, But children will listen.
Children will look to you, For which way to turn,
To learn what to be.

Careful before you say, "Listen to me."
Children will listen.

Careful the wish you make, Wishes are children.
Careful the path they take, Wishes come true,
Not free.

Careful the spell you cast, Not just on children.
Sometimes the spell may last past what you can see
And turn against you...

Careful the tale you tell. That is the spell.
Children will listen...

Guide them but step away, Children will glisten.
Tamper with what is true and children will turn,
If just to be free.

Careful before you say, "Listen to me."
Children will listen...Children will listen!
Children will Listen, Into the Woods, Stephen Sondheim

Real Women are strong even on their own…
I gotta give my life some sparkle and fizz,
And think a thought that isn't wrapped up in his
The place that I consider paradise is,
Wherever he ain't! Wherever he ain't!

No more to wither when he's grouchy and gruff,
No more to listen to him bellow and bluff
Tomorrow morning I'll be strutting my stuff,
Wherever he ain't! Wherever he ain't!

It's time for little Nell to rebel, If he's in Heaven, I'll go to Hell!

I walked behind him like a meek little lamb,
and had my fill of his not giving a damn
I'll go to Sydney or Ceylon or Siam,
Wherever he ain't! Wherever he ain't!

Enough of being bullied and bossed, Ta-ta Auf Wiedersehn and get lost!

My little love nest was a terrible trap,
With me behaving like a simpering sap
And so I'm looking for a spot on the map,
If he's going south, I'm going north,
If he's going back, I'm going forth,
Wherever he ain't!
Wherever He Ain’t, Mack and Mabel, Jerry Herman

Real Women protect those they love…
Nothing's gonna harm you, Not while I'm around
Nothing's gonna harm you, No sir, not while I'm around

Demons are prowling everywhere nowadays
I'll send them howling, I don't care, I've got ways

No one's gonna hurt you, No one's gonna dare,
Others can desert you, Not to worry, whistle I'll be there

Demons'll charm you with a smile for awhile, but in time
Nothing can harm you, not while I'm around.

Being close and being clever, Ain't like being true,
I don't need to, I would never, Hide a thing from you
Like some
Not While I’m Around, Sweeney Todd, Stephen Sondheim

Real Women know what they are capable of…
Anything you can do, I can do better
I can do anything, Better than you.

No, you can't. Yes, I can.
No, you can't. Yes, I can.
No, you can't. Yes, I can, Yes, I can!

Anything you can wear I can wear better.
In what you wear I'd look better than you.
In my coat? In your vest!
In my shoes? In your hat!

No, you can't! Yes, I can Yes, I CAN!

I can jump a hurdle. I can wear a girdle.
I can knit a sweater. I can fill it better!
I can do most anything!
Can you bake a pie? No. Neither can I.
Anything you can do, Annie Get Your Gun, Irving Berlin

And finally, Real Women keep people guessing (this should be my theme song)…
When I'm with her, I'm confused
Out of focus, And bemused
And I never know exactly where I am

Unpredictable as weather,
She's as flighty as a feather
She's a darling, She's a demon
She's a lamb

She'd out pester any pest
Drive a hornet from its nest
She can throw a twirling dervish out of whirl

She is gentle, She is wild
She's a riddle, She's a child
She's a headache, She's an angel
She's a girl!!
Maria, The Sound of Music, Rodgers and Hammerstein