With my body I thee worship....

Boomerang Boy: She's a 'what you see is what you get' kind of girl
Miss Frou Frou: And I'm not?
BB: No way!
MFF: Seriously? What do you mean?
BB: You're like Forrest Gump's Chocolates... you never know what your going to get until you bite into it...
MFF: But you like chocolate?
BB: Yeah, but I want to know what kind it is before I eat it!

The above exchange took place about 4 years ago, as part of a discussion about the kind of relationship BB wanted into the future, and why he was marrying someone else, even though he still professed some feelings for me.

It lead to some interesting conversations with friends at the time, as I tried to understand what he meant. Most of my friends saying they thought I was open and honest and very much a 'what you see is what you get' kind of girl... though interestingly a conversation with MLF (my first love who I've known for over 25 years) was illuminating...

MFF: He said I wasn't a 'what you see is what you get' kind of girl
MFL: He's talking through his arse... you're a straight shooter
MFF: Thanks... even way back when we first meet and we were going through all that 'will we/ won't we' stuff of our relationship?
MFL: (silence - laughter) .... Oh yeah, I see his point...

All of this is playing out in my head at the minute, as B and S at work are dead keen on turning 'find Frou Frou a man' into their next project... wanting to put my profile up online etc. and I am so ambivalent about it all... and I'm wondering why I am so unenthusiastic...

What also keeps playing through my head is a conversation with Nature Boy earlier in the year.

NB: Do you realise every time the subject of men and relationships comes up you either snort dismissively or you do the eyeroll thing?
MFF: Yeah, well that's because the whole men/relationships thing and I don't fit very well ... always ends up in tears before bedtime
NB: You're not very confident about yourself, are you?
MFF: Oh, you've misunderstood. I am very confident... I know I am an amazing woman and some man would be extraordinarily lucky to have me.
NB: Umm... ok... (looking at me like I'm an alien)
MFF: Where I lack confidence is in the single men out there and they're ability to see me for the Goddess that I am...

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience...Calvin and Hobbes

Roget's New Millenium Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.3.1)
Main Entry: way with words
Part of Speech: Noun
Definition: command of language
Synonyms: articulateness, articulation, elocution, eloquence, expressiveness, facility of speech, fluency, gift of gab, oratory, silver tongue, word power

I love words... like to say them, read them, write them.

I was very verbal, very early... and still am... but I also learned very early to listen carefully to the words people used, because sometimes what was said, wasn't always what was meant. And the things unsaid were often the most important and how people reacted and responded to the things that were said, were most important of all... all of which learning went completely out the window in the last 48 hours when I turned into the deranged woman from hell... sigh...

I love nothing more than to talk to people, to ask them questions, to explore who they are and how they feel about things. And to entertain them, with stories and anecdotes that are amusing and/or profound.

So it would stand to reason that in my interactions with men, that talking would be important, and for the most part, men have always talked to me, they haven't wanted to date me very often, and most definitely didn't want to marry me, but they always liked to talk...

And the critical thing for me in all of the important relationships with men has been the conversations, the interchange of thoughts, the comfort with which we have shared our hopes and aspirations and fears. I've discovered that I don't care what he does for a living, how much money he makes, whether he showers with me gifts... what I need a man to do is woo me with words...##

There was MFL, a dark, brooding, angst ridden boy when I first met him. We drunkenly pashed the first time we met, and the second time I saw him he resembled a teary, drowned rat, after some family domestic. I wrote him a letter, saying that if he wanted to talk I'd be happy to listen, which started a strange but wonderful relationship. As he describes us, we were friends who complicated things with sex and alcohol. He broke my heart, then mended it again, and I danced at his wedding a few years ago.

There was Boomerang Boy, who sat with me on a park swing on our first date till the wee small hours of the morning talking about everything and all things... His friends said but he doesn't talk... to which I replied, well he talks to me.

I fell in love with him that night, while he struggled so hard to find things we had in common, and he bared his soul. It was easy enough to do, as if I'm honest, I'd been having lustful thoughts in my panties about him for months beforehand... but that night he opened a door to my heart and assigned himself a place in it... but he was often uncomfortable that I knew so much about him...

Looking back, it was doomed to fail... as he isn't naturally communicative, this is the man who doesn't like to talk during sex as it's too distracting! I laughed, apparently, you're not supposed to do that either... Though I have him partly to thank for helping my writing... it was after daring me to explore some fantasies that I wrote a collection of erotic short stories for him...

And S - for 8 years I got to share my workday with a man who respected my thoughts and opinions, and trusted me implicitly. He gave me opportunities, and got out of my way as I explored them. If I'd been married to him, I'd have killed him in a month... as he is so laid back to be almost comatose... but he gets me. He took the time to work out the logic behind my apparently illogical behaviour... which relies a lot on gut, and intuition and my reading of other people. So if I said, that approach isn't going to work with that person, he would listen. Then usually go ahead and do it anyway, just to be contrary and then trust me to work it out...

There was W - my first real experience with being attracted to a man because of his mind, and the things he had to say. From a physical standpoint, I couldn't say I found him appealing, and I'm positive it was the same for him... he was very vocal about the type of women he liked, and I certainly wasn't it...but the conversations! He paid me the ultimate compliment once, by saying he loved arguing with me... not only could I hold up my end of the argument and state my position clearly, I could explain rationally why I felt the way I did. He said I love it, except when you are so good at it that you convince me that you're right and I'm wrong, and then I hate it... bitch!

And then we come to now...

I started to write this post a week ago, but couldn't comfortably post it, as it felt unfinished. And realised today that the reason it was unfinished, as it was a prelude to now, and the absolute balls-up I've made of a friendship with a lovely guy. He's the reason I'm writing here at all, as he's encouraged me to write, write, write as he puts it.

Imagine what it feels like for me, to meet someone who is just genuinely interested in people and engaging in dialogue, who is witty in a slightly off kilter way, and clever, clever, clever... and then imagine me when he seems to take some delight in the things I have to say and the way that I say them. And can more than hold his own on the communication front... he can play the verbiage volley like a champion. Actually I think he's better at this than me, as he wouldn't take a thousand words when only ten will do. His take on all of this would go something like:

Verbose, slightly deranged, but funny girl completely misinterprets and misunderstands interest of polite, short responses boy!

It seemed miraculous that by chance I should stumble across this man... and feel so immediately comfortable talking to him... and in all my excitement, I was totally oblivious to the fact that he's not quite so comfortable with me. Do I think that he enjoys me, yeah, I think he does. Do I freak him out a little, yeah... and after the last 48 hours, I'd say the freak-o-meter is now in the danger zone...sigh...

To be honest, I'm not sure how much of this was about sexual attraction. Was I attracted to him, yes, most definitely. Did he make my loins burn with lust... ahh that would be a no... though I did ask myself the question I always ask... could I kiss this face? And surprised myself by saying yeah, maybe... which is a huge thing for me... while I love men, I can honestly say there aren't too many men that pass the 'could I kiss this face?' test, and if I can't kiss their face, sure as eggs, not going to be doing anything else with them!###

It was the words... the word play... the toing and froing of ideas and silliness that was so attractive. And unbeknown to him, every time he engaged and played with me, I became a little bit more smitten. Every time he told me that I was perceptive and funny and clever, I swooned a little... reacting like a girl that has just been told that she was pretty...

Except there has been some words used that don't make me feel so pretty... like you are unconventional, or you over analyse things, or you think you know me but you don't... which have made me pause... radar quivering, thinking some thing's not quite right here...

And a pattern of advance and withdraw that is scarily familiar... yes I want to play, no I don't... I know none of this was deliberate, and in none of this has he been rude or obnoxious... quite the opposite in fact.

But it was my own response that has worried me most... and the realisation that this has become important, he has become important... when in fact, he's little more than a stranger... and I've allowed myself to get emotionally involved to a much higher level than was warranted... caught up in the words and the dialogue without seeing if there was anything behind them...

And then yesterday with a simple question from him of are you OK... I let all of this worry spew out... talk about somethings are better left unsaid... but I needed to say it... needed to get some sense of where he was coming from... which I did... most definitely...what is it that they say... be careful what you ask, as you may not like the answer...

I think this could be my most spectacular form of self-sabotage yet...

And I'm sad today... not weeping and wailing sad, just sad... sad because I have crashed and burned a sweet and lovely friendship and sad because at the same time I have upset someone who has shown me nothing but kindness.... poor man... and mostly sad because I was enjoying myself... was stimulated and challenged in ways that I haven't been for a long time, if ever... and I'm going to miss this and him...


## I've always said that the way to win me is to stop me talking (and thinking) but am starting to think that what I need is a man who can talk me into bed... imagine a continuous dialogue while you get me naked and horizontal...

### sounds extreme, but I did once have to stop the car on the way home and put my head between my knees and dry-heave into the gutter, after a boy I definitely did not want to, decided to tickle my tonsils. So, am very, very careful not to get myself into situations where that is likely to happen again...

Songs to Remember By...

On Wednesday night, following a recommendation from Jappa, 3 friends and I went to see the gala launch of the Choir of Hard Knocks at the Melbourne Town Hall, which was truly inspirational. They sang like angels, and we all found ourselves moved to tears and I'd heartily recommend you try to catch them if they come to your area.

I've realised that music is something that I can measure my life by, important and not so important moments, both good and bad times... there is usually some song that reflects that time or feelings, with songs capable of bringing back a time and place so vividly...

I love music, and love singing, though was told as a young girl in the school choir to sing 'quietly' i.e. mime, so was very self-conscious of singing for most of my life... and equally as self-conscious of dancing until I hit my 30s (would only dance when I was drunk before then and then I would dance on the tables!).

That doesn't stop music from being as vital as breathing to me... so here then are some of the songs that reflect me and my life...

Someday, One Day - The Seekers (people say your a dreamer, what do they know of what your thinking, if you believe in what your doing, then believe in what I say)- this creates the most vivid memory of first year at primary school, and being dropped off at a family friends house before school. I have never been much of a morning person, even as a little girl, so being bundled out of the house to go to a strangers home at the start of each day was a stress for me... but this song, which must have been in the charts at the time always seemed to be on the radio, and we got warm porridge and honey for breakfast ...yum...

Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime - Dean Martin - we had a turquoise VW beetle with a radio that didn't work, so car trips usually involved us kids sitting in the back singing songs to entertain my Dad. Invariably, he would warble this to us - but changing the lyrics to 'something in your kiss just told me, I've just kissed a cow!

Lullaby of Broadway - goodnight baby, goodnight, the milkman's on his way, sleep tight baby, sleep tight, let's call it a day - my first dance lessons, in a local hall with the daughter of a neighbour, we did a dance routine to this song, a sort of tap/ ballet fusion... I was probably 6 and already completely uncoordinated and had such a miserable time of it that I didn't dance on stage again until I was 38!

Lipstick on Your Collar - Connie Francis - this is one for Miss La De Da - her and my sister age about 10, learning the lyrics and putting on a show for the family. For some reason this song also has the visual memory of MLDD masticating a banana sandwich with her mouth open... yuk!

Slipstream -Sherbet, Living in the 70's - Skyhooks, High Voltage - AC/DC, Hard Road - Stevie Wright - the soundtrack of my teens, the first 4 albums I bought when I got a part-time job in a lotto/record/gift store. My first concert, Festival Hall, Buster Brown with Angry Anderson on vocals, Skyhooks just as their first album was released and Sherbet!

Turn the Beat Around - Vicki Sue Robinson - 17 years old, Collingwood Districts Football Club Disco - at a hall in Carlton North every Saturday night, $3 for chicks, $8 for blokes, as most of the chicks brought their Asti Spumante, and they had a keg of beer for the boys. I drank beer with the usual result of being totally rat-assed by the end of the night. A gorgeous (think young Robert Redford) boy used to pounce on me most Saturdays, put my hand in the back pocket of his jeans, and dance close, telling all and sundry I was his wife... and then completely blank me if he saw me on the street during the week, only to repeat the whole routine the following Saturday... talk about being confused... He gave me my first (and probably only) illicit drug, telling me it would make me feel better, and then had to spend the night wrapped around me in the backseat of a car while I screamed and howled my way down from the trip from hell. He spread the word that anyone giving me anything stronger than beer was going to answer to him, and then blackened his mate's eye when mate shoved a bottle under my nose, saying sniff this!

Counting the Beat - The Swingers - my semi-punk days, short peroxide blonde hair, with jet black wispy bits stuck to my cheek, a multi-coloured bomber jacket, tight black skirt, one aqua stocking, one red, covered by fishnets... thought I was really cool, but never wore the outfit again after we walked into the pub one night to hear 'OK, we can start now, the circus has arrived'

Walking on the Moon - The Police - giant steps are what you take, walking on the moon, I hope my legs don't break, walking on the moon - first full-time job, living away from home for the first time in a share house with 2 chicks and a bloke in Richmond. The band stayed at the motel I worked at their first tour out, and we saw them play at Festival Hall...

Gonna Fly Now - The Theme from Rocky - aah, liniment, smelly socks and boys... football club rooms and the big difference between juniors and seniors is that seniors like to walk around naked... oh my... I don't like football... I like footballers!

Rhiannon - Fleetwood Mac - My First Love sang this to me the night we met... both slightly intoxicated, sleepily sitting on Gossy's mum's couch close to midnight after he'd played in the winning grand final for his local team. He sang this quietly into my ear while he stroked my hair and then he kissed me... **

No Lies - Noiseworks - one of my groupie stages++ (no sex though drats!)... sent the guys a bunch of balloons while they were recording their first album in Melbourne and came home to a gorgeous message on the machine from Jon Stevens. Meet them after a gig at the then Bell Street Rock one Easter, and they put my name on the door for every Melbourne gig for the next few years. Even got an invite up to Sydney for the filming of an MTV special when the album was released.

How Do I Live Without You - Trisha Yearwood, Easy - Faith No More, Throwing Cooper - Live - sitting on the swings at Fairfield Park at 3.00am talking to Angus Folly Boy on our first date, and his relief after about half an hour of debate in discovering yes, we did like some of the same music - he was a metal head, and I'm a musical theatre girl! I sprinkled these songs through mix tapes that I played at ten pin bowling and we'd make eye contact across a crowded bowling alley and smile at each other.

Big Spender - Sweet Charity - so let me get right to the point, I don't pop my cork for every guy I see - finally putting the past and self-consciousness behind me and belting this out at karaoke at a work Christmas Party without worrying about what I sounded like... the fact that I was 12 kinds of pissed probably helped... but singing the love song duet with my boss at midnight was probably a bad move...

Would you...? - Touch and Go -I've noticed you around, I find you very attractive, would you, um, um, would you go to bed with me? - I laughed out loud (it was either that or cry) when this was playing on the radio after leaving Angus Folly Boy's house the ill-fated night he planned the big seduction scene. I arrived to find him almost crippled with back pain, which was bad enough, and then his brother deliberately came home to check me out, when he'd been told to stay away - add a malamute that went for the crotch snuggle every time she came into the room and his bedroom walls covered with photo's of naked women in poses only their gyno should see and is it any wonder I said there was no way I was going to get naaaaked!

The Healer - John Lee Hooker - first time I got my feet and brain to work in sync at Miss Lou Lou's Tap Dancing Academy, age 38! Heah ma, I can dance!%% Went on to dance at the National Theatre to The MilkShake - The Village People dressed as a cow, Tijuana Taxi by Herb Albert in sombrero and poncho and a fake moustache that kept falling off, as a gold tinselly sausage, I mean, showgirl to Madonna's Hanky Panky, and my swan-song - Singing in the Rain by Gene Kelly dressed as a duck!

** MFL is still the kisser against whom all other kissers are judged...

++ Wrote to bass player of MiSex once, and we started a telephone/ letter exchange for awhile - he'd ring when the band were down and we'd chat about music and stuff, and again, my name on the door at gigs, but I never actually met him...


%% Well, actually I can't really... why a girl who spends most of her time dancing from the waist up, lots of hand gestures, not a lot of foot work, ever took up tap is beyond me. The first time I ever persevered with something I suck at big time! It was fun, but after 5 years you were actually expected to be pretty good!!!