My life as a bumper sticker...Be my valentine... yeah right...

I love these... check them out here...

What the.....? Misunderstanding Men

It's really simple... Women speak subtle. Men do not.

It's that easy, you want a guy to know that you like him and you are interested in having him pursue and chase you, then you need to be less subtle...you don't want to be too obvious, but you need to be less subtle... Indiana

The above comment was left on my last post... You Say Potato, I Say Potato... Misunderstanding Men

And a few weeks ago Midwest posted about advice from Wombat on Kiss & Blog that goes as follows:

1. Don't initiate anything with a guy (not even friendship), ever
2. Don't initiate anything with a guy (not even friendship), ever
3. Don't initiate anything with a guy (not even friendship), ever

Is it any wonder that I am so totally ambivalent about dating!

I think I might do better becoming lesbionic... sigh....

Extra! Extra! Read all about it... Miss Frou Frou unmasked...

One of my favourite bloggers, Candid Karina recently posted her response to this great new meme.

The Rules: A blogger interviews you, and you post the answers on your own blog. Then you invite readers to volunteer to be interviewed, and you interview THEM, and they post it on their blog, and on and on we go...

I volunteered to be interviewed and below are Karina's great questions and my long-winded fluffy waffle in response... Anyone that would like me to interview them... leave a note in my comments...

1. First, let's get the obvious out of the way: Tell us the when, how and why about the birth of your blog.

I started blogging in February in a typically round and round the garden Frou Frou way... I met the Nature Boy just over 12 months ago... and almost from the get go we had these games of email tag. He's the King of short responses, a skill I've yet to master (no really - says everyone!) but he used to enjoy my mini-stories and general lunacy... and constantly encouraged me to write... something he continues to do... which is unbelievably lovely.

Around the same time, I happened across the blog Reasons You Will Hate Me and became an avid lurker, enjoying MsFits and her fans and detractors, Friday Q&A becoming a must read every Saturday morning over my Vitabrits. And from there started reading others, and got a bit of a hang for how this all worked... had heard of blogs but never read one... what can I say... I'm technically backward... only buying a DVD player a year ago, and cracking everyone up today trying to connect a USB to a laptop... but I digress...

So, started to think that blogging would actually suit me. I like writing, have always been comfortable with email as a form of keeping up with people, and blogging is just a way to do it on a much broader stage. Those that know me, say my emails are like having a conversation with me, reading my words and they hear my voice... and friends in RL who have read here say the same. (Though there aren't many RL friends reading anymore... or if they are they are lurking... come out, come out wherever you are).

2. Your blog name...explain please.

My friend Roz's former husband, K was a mad Englishman who introduced me to soccer, beer with lime, "Dirty Old Town" drunkenly sung, and the phrase... I used to be, but I'm alright now... every time you were making conversation and said something like "I/he/she/they/your like, want, are ....., etc. his response would be "I used to be .... but, but I'm alright now" often to much jocularity...

Try it...

You're nice... I used to be nice, but I'm alright now... She's skinny... I used to be skinny, but I'm alright now etc.

He did it so often, that I used to end the sentence for him, and then started saying it myself, something I still do...

3. So, you're a single woman, and have recently said you might be ready to get back out on the dating scene. You've told us what you would want in a man, but tell us, what are the things you miss most about relationships?

My relationships have always been unconventional, with none being similar to the others, and have spent more time single then coupled in my life.

What do I miss?

That lovely butterflies in your tummy feeling when you're going to see him, or you hear his voice... kisses... cuddles and hugs... someone to share the end of the day with (the mental debrief sharing tales of woe and silliness)... a sense of belonging, I'm his/ he's mine and the comfort that comes from that feeling... someone to scratch the middle of my back when it's itchy... and to tell me when I've tucked my skirt into my underpants again!

4. To borrow a question asked of me in my own interview, tell us about your worst date ever.

My first recollection on reading this was the date with a guy from the personals who seemed like a nice guy, but had unfortunate teeth... he had fangs! Though really, apart from the fact there was no way I was ever going to kiss that face, it wasn't a bad date.

So, my worst date... is complicated.

Around the same time I meet Vampire boy, I talked to Jay who turned out to live a couple of streets away, and ran a local myotherapy clinic. When I spoke to him, he was funny, quick, clever and a bit arrogant (all things that interest me) and he seemed really keen... particularly when in response to a question from him I told him I'd had over 100 responses and I was talking and meeting quite a few guys over the coming weeks. We talked a couple of times and then organised to meet for dinner at a local pizza place.

Sitting in the restaurant waiting for a stranger is always nerve-wracking... and my nerves only escalated when a very attractive, nicely dressed Jay wandered in and introduced himself. Now, I know I have wonderful qualities and that people love and have loved me... but Jay was just... I don't know... too good looking, too cool, too smooth, too confident... and in a weird way that calmed my nerves.

Figuring it was unlikely I'd ever go out with him again, I just relaxed and enjoyed myself. We had a great dinner, which he insisted on paying for and he offered to walk me to my car. On the walk to the car he said, I'd like to see you again, much to my surprise. I said I was busy for the next couple of weeks, which made him laugh, and he said - so how about I ring you in a fortnight. (I now realise this was all about Jay needing to stay on my list... not necessarily because of me, but a competition thing... he could choose not to see me, but didn't want me to cross him of my list of 100 - he used to constantly ask how many people were still on the list, and I used to laugh and say how do you know you have even made the list!)

Still, I was surprised when he did as he said and rang me in a fortnight, and asked me to come over to his place after he'd finished work one night... something I wasn't prepared to do at that point.

But he pushed, I want to see you again... so I said I was going out to a local Irish pub on Friday night with some friends, he could meet me there if he wanted to and in the conversation said to him, if you're going to be a bit uncomfortable about fronting up with a whole bunch of strangers you could bring along some of his friends.

Friday night... really, really crowded pub... hanging with my mates, keeping an eye out for Jay and I spotted him and said to Miss La De Da 'Oh there he is, the blonde in the leather jacket standing by the leadlight window' and she turned and looked and then turned back to me and said 'what - the guy with his tongue down somebodies throat?'.

??? I looked and sure enough he's deeply kissing a pretty young thing! Jay stopped, and then put his arm around her, and then another girl came up and the three of them went up to the bar, with the original girl hanging all over him.

MLDD said are you going to go up to him, and I said no, I'll let him come to me. And we sat there, and waited while he scanned the room looking for me, passing his gaze over me several times, but not actually making eye contact. It was like I was invisible, or else he had forgotten what I looked like...

This went on for almost an hour... he deep in conversation with both girls, occasionally scanning the room I'm assuming looking for me, and occasionally kissing the pretty blonde. And all the time I was sitting in plain view about 4 feet away from him. Eventually, Jay and the two girls left.

He rang me the following day... "Hi - what happened last night, I was there but didn't see you?". "I know" says I, "I saw you".

"Why didn't you come up?" says he. "You were a bit busy at the time" says I dryly. He laughed out loud... and then asked "What did your friends say?"

"My mate said you were a 'root rat'!" Again, he laughed. "Oh, I kick 'em first to make sure they're still breathing! What did you say to that?"

"I didn't care if he was a 'root rat' as long as I was the rat he was rooting!"

Again, he laughed... declaring I was the funniest girl he knew and he really wanted to see me again. To which I replied "Sorry, one of the things you need to know about me is I hate standing in queues".

I never dated him again, though he persisted for a few weeks, and for a couple of months we used to occasionally bump into each other around the neighbourhood. Haven't seen him for a few years, and the myotherapy clinic is gone... so don't know where he ended up.

5. If you could have dinner with any celebrity, alive or dead, who would it be, and why?

I'd like to host a dinner party (not cook... just host) and I'd invite:

Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson - they can have a cook off!
Kate Hepburn and Spencer Tracy - cause it would be nice to see them together one more time and Kate is my hero...
Robert Redford, Johnny Depp and George Clooney... gorgeous men who have/ do make interesting films and George cause he's the archetypal funny, quick, clever and a bit arrogant man...

Remember, if you want me to interview you, leave a not in comments.

And Solitaire's the only game in town...

Miss Frou Frou -- [noun]: A hermit living in the big city 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

How weird is this? Though I'm pretty sure the meanings are random, if I put Miss Frou Frou in more than once, I'd get more than one answer... but still this is a bit weird... considering my current mood...

With 8 weeks of Sunday choir rehearsals, and meditation classes and catching up with friends and other social activities and work I'm getting a bit frazzled...

Am seriously looking forward to next weekend, after the first two Choir Concerts, and a friends birthday party on Saturday night ... I have 3 days off... am going to spend them on my own, I hope... not speaking... shut away in my little bolthole... I'm not sure if I can wait that long...

This is what worries me most I think about having a serious relationship with someone else, my need for solitude... which can come on unexpectedly at times... will someone understand my need to regularly hibernate... to be still and quiet?

Though Jeni B, my tarot reader/ teacher keeps telling me that the 'right' person will understand that need, and more than likely have the same need. She keeps reminding me of a theme through my meditations over the last 2 years of myself, in a little cottage, in a room that is mine, with my books and crafty things and an open fire and a desk by the window at which I write. And in all of those meditations, there is either someone working alone in another room, or someone else close by... a footfall at the door, a shadow, the anticipation of someone expected... sigh... I wish...


Of course, in the Tarot, the Hermit symbolises much of these feelings. A time to withdraw, to be introspective in order to gain perspective. Soul-searching, time for self-illumination, truth and wisdom of the higher self. It can also represent a guide, a wise woman/man offering others that same illumination, truth and wisdom. I sometimes wonder if I'm meant to take both meanings, I'm definitely someone who searches my soul... but am I also required to share the results of that soul-searching?


Note: When I put in my real name I was told that it means "tastes like chicken"... lol

My wish isn't to mean everything to everyone but something to someone... unknown

I've been studying the tarot now for about 4 years, but will often ask my teacher to do a reading for me, either when I have a concern about something and I want some guidance, or just as a bit of a check about what's around me and whats ahead.

I had a reading last week... not that there is anything wrong at present, just wanting a bit of a barometer check, life is good and I wanted to see if that would be reflected in the reading (which it was!)

I'll write about the reading in more detail at another time but as usual the question of relationships and romance came up, and as usual, I was told there was someone out there for me, but the universe wasn't going to send him, until I was ready...

HEAH, I'm ready! Really, truly, ready!

Impatiently, and a bit antsy, and really, really frustratingly ready!

And then, as usual, I read the weekly postings on Post Secrets. There is something immensely powerful about viewing and reading these images and words, knowing there are people behind these stories of joy and pain and loss and loneliness. There is usually something that resonates strongly with me, and this week there was this...

I keep thinking back to that silly Fortune Cookie Generator - better to have lost a lover than have loved a loser... and I think never again... happy to have relationships end, because they need to end... but...

I realised I am ready, truly ready, for the first time in my life, because for the first time in my life, I believe that I am a weird, amazing, remarkable woman... and it's ok for me to be weird, amazing and remarkable... and he, whoever he is, will come along when he is ready... and I'm happy to wait...

There might be a bit of antsy, toe-tapping, scanning the horizon, mumbling under my breath, hurry up already's in my future... but that's ok... need to stay vigilant, so I can recognise him when he comes...

"In the silence of night I have often wished for just a few words of love from
one man, rather than the applause of thousands of people"...Judy Garland

My Mother told me... you better shop around...

I found this at Starrlight's blog, Here Comes A Storm... and couldn't resist...

The Window Shopper

Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLD)

Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper.

You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come.

Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns.

Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.


BEWARE: The Hornivore (RBSM)

CONSIDER: The Gentleman (DGLM), The Loverboy (RGLM), The Boy Next Door (RGLD)

Your exact female opposite: The Stiletto Deliberate Brutal Sex Master

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating.

Someday my Spence will come...

Your Score: Katharine Hepburn

You scored 14% grit, 38% wit, 42% flair, and 9% class!

You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women.

Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the
Classic Leading Man Test.

Link: The Classic Dames Test written by gidgetgoes on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

FROU FROU'S TO DO LIST:
* Find a funny, sarcastic, craggy, grumpy man of my own

The weekend that was...

I go back to work tomorrow.... sob, sob.... Part of me is glad to go back, I miss people, have some interesting things that are happening or I'm trying to make happen... but the problem with having a 10 day break is the more time I spend away from work the more realise I'd prefer not to work at all...

Did I do all the things I wanted to do during this break... nah! Though I've had a good time, enough social interaction and solitude to please my slightly schizophrenic personality.

My girls, Gertie and Gracie have loved having me home, especially Gertie, wherever I've been she's been for the last 10 days. Sitting watching TV, she's either on my lap, on the arm of the chair or on the footstool. In bed, she's beside me... we've napped together a few times. On the PC, she's usually sitting on the keyboard, or trying to climb on top of the monitor. Even having a bath, involves her curled up on the ledge over the bathtub, occasionally patting me on the head.

The last couple of days have been weird though... probably why it's not a bad thing that I'm going back to work, as I suspect this is what my life would be like if I didn't need to work... and it's not pretty..or particularly healthy...

Friday
Up reasonable early for me on holiday and pottered around for most of the day sorting through some crafty stuff (will blog about that separately as I'm making a list of all projects both unfinished and yet to start - yikes).

At the same time, as sorting through stuff, I made a pot of minestrone soup. There's a reason why I refer to myself as an undomesticated goddess... and that I don't cook very often... soup is terrible. Not inedible, but not great.... sigh... even Gertie, who loves all human food, wouldn't touch it...

Seemed to fritter away the day, just pottering and a bath and reading both books and blogs, and watching some TV... am slowly watching 'Tripping Over' that Mum taped for me last year.

Lost in Translation on TV Friday night - so watched that... not as good with commercials... note to self - buy DVD!

Bed before midnight, go to sleep almost instantly, and then:

3.00am... wide awake .... sigh...

3.30am give up and get up... back on pc's doing some work on my blog, just adding and reorganising things, while reading others... and checking out ebay...

6.00am... gee I'm tired... back to bed...

Saturday
1.30pm... woke up... for once the cats haven't done a not so happy dance over my head demanding food... both curled up asleep beside me.

2.00pm... I feel cottonwoolly and headachey and awful... it's overcast and I'm cold... so put the heater on briefly...make some breakfast and coffee (and panadol) and sit down and watch another episode of Tripping Over while doing some handpiecing of Bushfire Quilt blocks.

3.30pm Went to the loo and coped a look at myself in the mirror... my hair looks a bit like Cameron Diaz' in that scene from There's Something About Mary... so shower... bugger getting dressed, so clean pair of pj's.

4.00pm - Set myself up with some cross stitch... the Patchwork Santa/Hermit.

My vision has changed in the last 12 months, so I can't wear my glasses to do fine work like cross stitch, but need my glasses to watch TV... and usually end up with a cricked neck from the constant peering over the top of them to do handwork. So, no TV this time, sitting in absolute silence while I stitch only occasionally stopping to get a cuppa or cuddle Gertie.

6.00pm - watch the news, and feed animals. Not hungry yet, and can't decide what I want... another cuppa

6.30pm - TV off again, back to the cross stitch. Decide I might as well do my week's washing, mostly tracky's and pj's, while I'm working.

8.00pm - should eat I guess... decide to put frozen quiche in oven... heah... better than my first thought... a packet of potato chips... more stitching...

9.20pm - start to tape Rockwiz - love that show... get dinner and patchwork out again, and settle down to watch The West Wing. I've so enjoyed the double episodes on the ABC of the last season... only one more week to go and it's finished... wish they'd start all over again... note to self - buy DVD... more patchwork... 3rd block this time...

10.50pm - still patchworking.... and watching North and South... love that show too... I thought Colin Firth's Mr Darcy was dark and brooding, but Richard Armitage's Mr Thornton is better... oh la la... he's good... he declares his love for Margaret and she rejects him... stupid cow! Note to self - buy the DVD

Midnight - bed...reading for awhile... but nodded off with the book in my hand around 1.00am.. as you do...

Sunday
8.00am - awake... but still tired... up and feed girls and then back to bed...

11.00am - awake again... though could be tempted to stay here... have a scratchy throat... that would be great, back to work with a cold... should I stay in bed?...no... up...

Coffee, reading my book... fart arsing around....

1.30pm - breakfast... have bought bacon and eggs, but decided I'll have those for tea... so cereal... and watch taped Rockwiz from the night before. Josh Pyke and Neko Case guests. Saw Josh Pyke when he was touring with Tim Finn at the Forum. I like him - note to self - get CD!

Start to meaninglessly channel surf - The Horse Soldiers with John Wayne, or Beethoven or sport... sigh... waste an hour or more just channel flicking... and naval gazing...

3.30pm - internal debate... what to do? Do some ironing and get organised for work tomorrow? No - back to the Patchwork Hermit, but set egg timer for 1 hour, to make sure I do something else productive...

4.30pm - Something productive! Writing this blog and another entry with my current crafty projects... will post that later after taking some photo's.

5.30pm - need to do dishes, and tidy up at least a little, garbage etc. - if I go to work tomorrow with a messy house, I'm going to be cross.

Plans for tonight... Cooking a fry up dinner... eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast (cholesterol heaven!)

Then the ABC again, I think... Einstein Factor, News, Robin Hood (Richard Armitage again.. woo hoo) and The Abduction Club...

This kind of weekend, which I've largely enjoyed, despite the strange sleeping/habits is one of the reasons why I don't think I'll ever settle down with a bloke... can't imagine any guy being happy to have this sort of weekend... well, I guess someone who had his own hobby I guess... who would go off and do his own thing, while I did mine. Maybe I need to find a guy who'll happily stay during the week and then disappear of a weekend?

Dazed and confused.... ponderings of the terminally single!

This is going to be a bit of a ramble, as I've had conversations IRL and been following some thread conversations in blogland that have me asking lots of questions, about myself, where I'm at, where I'm going and whether I'm going to get there.... So bear with me ok?

Boy Talk???
I have a friend, Peter Rabbit. We sort of dated(see next question) briefly, before becoming really good friends, who go out a lot to movies, or singles things, and talk to or email each other regularly. I would include him on my list of really close friends.

Over the 3 plus years we've known each other he's told me a lot about his friends and I’ve told him a lot about mine and told my friends about him. In fact, he’s met a lot of my friends, to the point that some friends say “if you want to invite the Rabbit Man along, he’s more than welcome”.

So it came as a surprise to me earlier in the year when he told me, apart from the guy who knew that he had a date with this strange girl# way back when, he's never mentioned me to any of his mates.

And when I expressed this surprise and wondered why, he said it had nothing at all to do with not wanting to discuss me, just that generally he and his mates don’t talk about women… well not specific ones anyway. They might lament how hard it is to find and keep a girl etc., but they don’t as a rule talk about the women in their lives specifically, and even less so now, as he is the only single guy left of his small group.

This isn't the only time I've had conversations with guys, who have expressed similar opinions. Actually once had a guy tell me, that the more a guy talks about you to others, the less serious he is....???? What do others think?

What is a Date?
A friend told me about a conversation with a guy who asked her out a couple of times for dinner and/or movies and his announcing that they were not dating, as he defined a date as someone he intended to have sex with, and he only had sex within a relationship and as he had decided he wanted to forgo relationships for the moment, that meant their semi-regular outings were not dates!

He then went on to ask her did she think they were dating, to which she replied, what difference does it make, as you've already decided that we aren't?

If I used the definition as used by this guy, I almost never date! Or as Miss La De Da keeps telling me, I am a serial first dater!

I've met a fair few guys over the last 8 years or so, mainly through the various experiments at the personals and internet dating##. Not that many, compared to the number of responses I received - both times I advertised in the personals I clocked up over 100 responses (that just shows I'm good at marketing, not so great at sales). I spoke to lots, but probably only met about 10 of them all up, before I usually got a bit feed up with how hard it all was, or Boomerang Boy bounced back for awhile.

Of the men I met, Peter Rabbit is the only one still around. He responded to the 2nd personals ad I placed, and we had a long, funny, interesting telephone conversation and a long, funny, interesting dinner (we closed the restaurant) and I liked him immediately and though I'm very glad to have met him, he's not the one for me, something I realised almost from the beginning. Though I've told him he's going to be one of my bridesmaids, if I ever get married.

So, was that first evening a date? When there was the possibility of there being an attraction? And once, the possibility of attraction is gone, anything else is not considered a date?

Knowing what you want and being prepared to say it...
On Saturday, my tarot teacher organised a lunch with current and former students that she thought might connect. Six of us met, and I for one, had a lovely time, and would happily meet these women again. Unlike, Peter Rabbit and his cronies, we talked about all sorts of things including men and relationships...as all of us, ranging in age from early 30s to 57 are either single or divorced.

One of the women told the story of a friend, dating a guy, after both had been divorced. Early on, on one of their first dates he announced that he had no intention of ever remarrying. To which she replied, really - I have ever intention of getting married again. And she said, it's ok that you told me, now I know how much energy to put into this relationship with you, as despite the fact that I like you a lot, I definitely plan to be an old married lady, obviously not to you though. They were married two years later!

She said, that you need to be clear about what you want, and make that clear to men###. If you're happy to be friends with benefits, then say so. But if you really want to be in a committed relationship, make that clear from the beginning.

At some level, I understood what she was talking about but I also found the conversation unsettling. I should just come straight out and tell people what I want... sure... once I work out what the hell that is!

Do I want to be married? Will admit never did do the whole dreamy playing bride thing as a little girl, though I did get hitched to George#### behind the shelter sheds in Grade 3 in a mock wedding, but as my friend Kazz was the minister, I don't think it counts, does it. Maybe that's why I can't imagine being married to anyone else, I'm betrothed already!

Isn't the question more do I want to be married to you? Whoever, you happen to be... But I don't think in those terms. I think about do I want to spend time with you, do you make me laugh, do you turn me on, can I imagine my life without you in it? Whether we are married or not, live together or just visit on occasion is just housekeeping isn't it?

That blasted switch!
Boomerang Boy used to tell me that I had a flashing light on my forehead that used to say 'take me, take me' - actually he was a bit cruder, when he talked about it, but that was the gist. I don't think that's what the flashing light said, but I am aware of sometimes flicking on a switch, that kicks me into another gear, where I find myself responsive and open to the interest of men.

We talked about this at lunch on Saturday, as FBG, wise woman that she is, keeps telling me I'm the keeper of the switch, I get to turn it on and off. But as we discussed at lunch, it's hard to keep the switch on if there isn't someone to flash it at... and it's very easy and often much simpler to just turn it off. We all agreed that there have been times, in some cases years, were we shut down the whole idea of any form of relationship, and consequently, you become invisible. At those times, my flashing light says don't even think about it...

That damn switch has been on for months... as I've been open to the possibilities of what the world has to offer, finally putting Boomerang Boy in the past where he belongs. And it shows I guess, which is probably why I've got friends trying to set me up with people, left and centre. And it was shining brightest when I've been playing with the Nature Boy over the last few months, despite the fact, that our friendship was mostly silly stuff and nothing overtly sexual in any of it.

And since my little meltdown of the other week with him, the light hasn't gone out completely, but it's wavering and flickering a bit and would take very little to snuff it out. But I don't want to snuff it out... want to keep the momentum going but am not sure how to go about it.

Suggestions people?

# not strange in a woo woo way, just strange, as in a stranger. He waited till he got to know me to tell me I was strange, in a woo woo way... actually that's what he likes most about me...

## As to the internet, have had lots of emails and the odd phone call, but have only met one guy through rsvp - met for a coffee, he invited me to stay for dinner and then said he'd like to call me sometime. Rang me a week later to say that he was meeting another couple of women, but that he'd like to stay in touch, which I took to mean that I'd maybe made the team, but was sitting on the interchange bench!

And then out of the blue announced that he was very attracted, and found himself aroused by our conversation at dinner, and was confused, cause he wasn't sure if I was trying to arouse him deliberately - ah -that would be a no! And then asked me, if I had been aroused... ah - that would be a no! Never heard from him again!!!

### Reminds me of a friend telling me that when asked what did she want to get out of the internet dating experience on a first date with a guy, replied - mindless sex - to which he swallowed his tongue! She followed him home on the 2nd date and has been with him every since.

#### He actually remembered... when organising my 20 year school reunion I spoke to George, and he remembered that wedding ceremony, and we had a quiet laugh about it. Was actually looking forward to seeing him, any boy that remember that about you when you were 9 is worth a check out I reckon, but he didn't show...

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience...Calvin and Hobbes

Roget's New Millenium Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.3.1)
Main Entry: way with words
Part of Speech: Noun
Definition: command of language
Synonyms: articulateness, articulation, elocution, eloquence, expressiveness, facility of speech, fluency, gift of gab, oratory, silver tongue, word power

I love words... like to say them, read them, write them.

I was very verbal, very early... and still am... but I also learned very early to listen carefully to the words people used, because sometimes what was said, wasn't always what was meant. And the things unsaid were often the most important and how people reacted and responded to the things that were said, were most important of all... all of which learning went completely out the window in the last 48 hours when I turned into the deranged woman from hell... sigh...

I love nothing more than to talk to people, to ask them questions, to explore who they are and how they feel about things. And to entertain them, with stories and anecdotes that are amusing and/or profound.

So it would stand to reason that in my interactions with men, that talking would be important, and for the most part, men have always talked to me, they haven't wanted to date me very often, and most definitely didn't want to marry me, but they always liked to talk...

And the critical thing for me in all of the important relationships with men has been the conversations, the interchange of thoughts, the comfort with which we have shared our hopes and aspirations and fears. I've discovered that I don't care what he does for a living, how much money he makes, whether he showers with me gifts... what I need a man to do is woo me with words...##

There was MFL, a dark, brooding, angst ridden boy when I first met him. We drunkenly pashed the first time we met, and the second time I saw him he resembled a teary, drowned rat, after some family domestic. I wrote him a letter, saying that if he wanted to talk I'd be happy to listen, which started a strange but wonderful relationship. As he describes us, we were friends who complicated things with sex and alcohol. He broke my heart, then mended it again, and I danced at his wedding a few years ago.

There was Boomerang Boy, who sat with me on a park swing on our first date till the wee small hours of the morning talking about everything and all things... His friends said but he doesn't talk... to which I replied, well he talks to me.

I fell in love with him that night, while he struggled so hard to find things we had in common, and he bared his soul. It was easy enough to do, as if I'm honest, I'd been having lustful thoughts in my panties about him for months beforehand... but that night he opened a door to my heart and assigned himself a place in it... but he was often uncomfortable that I knew so much about him...

Looking back, it was doomed to fail... as he isn't naturally communicative, this is the man who doesn't like to talk during sex as it's too distracting! I laughed, apparently, you're not supposed to do that either... Though I have him partly to thank for helping my writing... it was after daring me to explore some fantasies that I wrote a collection of erotic short stories for him...

And S - for 8 years I got to share my workday with a man who respected my thoughts and opinions, and trusted me implicitly. He gave me opportunities, and got out of my way as I explored them. If I'd been married to him, I'd have killed him in a month... as he is so laid back to be almost comatose... but he gets me. He took the time to work out the logic behind my apparently illogical behaviour... which relies a lot on gut, and intuition and my reading of other people. So if I said, that approach isn't going to work with that person, he would listen. Then usually go ahead and do it anyway, just to be contrary and then trust me to work it out...

There was W - my first real experience with being attracted to a man because of his mind, and the things he had to say. From a physical standpoint, I couldn't say I found him appealing, and I'm positive it was the same for him... he was very vocal about the type of women he liked, and I certainly wasn't it...but the conversations! He paid me the ultimate compliment once, by saying he loved arguing with me... not only could I hold up my end of the argument and state my position clearly, I could explain rationally why I felt the way I did. He said I love it, except when you are so good at it that you convince me that you're right and I'm wrong, and then I hate it... bitch!

And then we come to now...

I started to write this post a week ago, but couldn't comfortably post it, as it felt unfinished. And realised today that the reason it was unfinished, as it was a prelude to now, and the absolute balls-up I've made of a friendship with a lovely guy. He's the reason I'm writing here at all, as he's encouraged me to write, write, write as he puts it.

Imagine what it feels like for me, to meet someone who is just genuinely interested in people and engaging in dialogue, who is witty in a slightly off kilter way, and clever, clever, clever... and then imagine me when he seems to take some delight in the things I have to say and the way that I say them. And can more than hold his own on the communication front... he can play the verbiage volley like a champion. Actually I think he's better at this than me, as he wouldn't take a thousand words when only ten will do. His take on all of this would go something like:

Verbose, slightly deranged, but funny girl completely misinterprets and misunderstands interest of polite, short responses boy!

It seemed miraculous that by chance I should stumble across this man... and feel so immediately comfortable talking to him... and in all my excitement, I was totally oblivious to the fact that he's not quite so comfortable with me. Do I think that he enjoys me, yeah, I think he does. Do I freak him out a little, yeah... and after the last 48 hours, I'd say the freak-o-meter is now in the danger zone...sigh...

To be honest, I'm not sure how much of this was about sexual attraction. Was I attracted to him, yes, most definitely. Did he make my loins burn with lust... ahh that would be a no... though I did ask myself the question I always ask... could I kiss this face? And surprised myself by saying yeah, maybe... which is a huge thing for me... while I love men, I can honestly say there aren't too many men that pass the 'could I kiss this face?' test, and if I can't kiss their face, sure as eggs, not going to be doing anything else with them!###

It was the words... the word play... the toing and froing of ideas and silliness that was so attractive. And unbeknown to him, every time he engaged and played with me, I became a little bit more smitten. Every time he told me that I was perceptive and funny and clever, I swooned a little... reacting like a girl that has just been told that she was pretty...

Except there has been some words used that don't make me feel so pretty... like you are unconventional, or you over analyse things, or you think you know me but you don't... which have made me pause... radar quivering, thinking some thing's not quite right here...

And a pattern of advance and withdraw that is scarily familiar... yes I want to play, no I don't... I know none of this was deliberate, and in none of this has he been rude or obnoxious... quite the opposite in fact.

But it was my own response that has worried me most... and the realisation that this has become important, he has become important... when in fact, he's little more than a stranger... and I've allowed myself to get emotionally involved to a much higher level than was warranted... caught up in the words and the dialogue without seeing if there was anything behind them...

And then yesterday with a simple question from him of are you OK... I let all of this worry spew out... talk about somethings are better left unsaid... but I needed to say it... needed to get some sense of where he was coming from... which I did... most definitely...what is it that they say... be careful what you ask, as you may not like the answer...

I think this could be my most spectacular form of self-sabotage yet...

And I'm sad today... not weeping and wailing sad, just sad... sad because I have crashed and burned a sweet and lovely friendship and sad because at the same time I have upset someone who has shown me nothing but kindness.... poor man... and mostly sad because I was enjoying myself... was stimulated and challenged in ways that I haven't been for a long time, if ever... and I'm going to miss this and him...


## I've always said that the way to win me is to stop me talking (and thinking) but am starting to think that what I need is a man who can talk me into bed... imagine a continuous dialogue while you get me naked and horizontal...

### sounds extreme, but I did once have to stop the car on the way home and put my head between my knees and dry-heave into the gutter, after a boy I definitely did not want to, decided to tickle my tonsils. So, am very, very careful not to get myself into situations where that is likely to happen again...

Meditative Musings #1... The Fool...

I have been part of a meditation group that has met for over 2 years that has used the Tarot as a starting point for guided meditations, which we then journal. The format has changed over time, originally we focused on the 22 Major Arcana cards, and then moved on to do the same with each of the 56 Minor Arcana cards, we are almost finished, with only 6 or so cards remaining.

I've been reading back through my journal, looking at some of the meditations and the themes underlying them. Some weeks my journal simply records my observations of the card, and other notes on how successfully I meditated. In other instances there are characters that I'd like to try to tie together into some form of narrative, as it seems they are the same people, being represented at different stages.

I'm going to try to flesh some of this out here over time, not in any linear fashion, just picking things at random...

The Fool... (Little Red Cap/Little Red Riding Hood - Inner Child Deck) - May 19th 2005

Traditional meaning of The Fool (0) Card - the card of infinite possibilities. A fool's journey, or a journey of new beginnings. Being prepared to take a leap of faith, but can also be a card of warning, stop daydreaming and fantasizing and watch your step.

My notes then ... wandering blithely through the forest... unaware of danger lurking or unconcerned... innocent...

Very attracted to the colours, the red butterfly, wanting the energy of the red but the calm of the green.

I want to walk through the arch and start the journey... don't care where I'm going as long as I don't stay here!

This reminds me of a physic about 6 years ago telling me that I was like Little Red Riding Hood, wandering through the forest, being distracted and diverting off the path instead of going straight down the road to where I'm going. And then I complain, because I meet the Big Bad Wolf, but if I'd stayed on the path where I belonged, I'd be safe.

I know where I'm going, the destination isn't important,
but the journey and what happens along the way is!

My meditation... I was standing, waiting, leaning against a tree, almost like I was part of the tree. I was looking into the distance, with cliffs on my right, the sea directly in front of me with a boat waiting for me. The water was calm, the day bright and clear, with white fluffy clouds overhead. The forest around the tree was so green, lush with vegetation. There was a message... be prepared, ready to go, ready to leave something behind.

Now... the meditation itself seems pretty meaningless now, but almost two years later, some of the things I thought about then are still circling around.

There was too much going on back then, too much of the boomerang relationship with Angus the Folly, dealing with the loss of my Dad, problems with family and work for me to be prepared to wholeheartedly embrace the idea of new beginnings.

But having let go of the past, I finally feel like I'm ready to move on, and have felt like this since mid last year, but never more so than now. I've never been into skipping ahead to the end of a book, it's the reading and the unfolding of the story that is most important to me.

The same is true in regards to my life in general, don't care were it's heading, as long as it's moving...

Is it just a coincidence that for the combined birthday party being planned for NPNP and I that I want to go as Red Riding Hood? Almost from the day we decided on the theme, that is what I wanted to be. Have already bought myself a Red Cape in preparation for it.

I know the original story had strong sexual overtones as did others (it wasn't a 'kiss' that finally woke up Sleeping Beauty) and I've been joking with friends about wanting to meet the Big Bad Wolf.

So.. Wolfy... wherever you are... hurry up and get your skates on... there's a not so little Red Cap stamping her foot delicately on the ground, waiting to be tempted and to tempt you...

Aphrodite with Training Wheels

Aphrodite, goddess of romance and passion, of fashion, beauty and art. Known for her numerous affairs of the heart, as well as her willingness to help others find the love they sought. Aphrodite had one gift and one gift only… to make love and to bring love into the world. Playful, sophisticated and full of zest, both innocent and seductive Aphrodite makes our world a livelier, and much more beautiful place…

Sigh… I wish…

Am in a strangely weird mood at present… am obviously giving off some sort of vibe – an unspoken message of ‘available’ woman… I’ve had 3 different friends ask if I’d be interested in meeting men in the last month.

I’ve surprised myself at how open I’ve been to the idea… not that any of them have actually followed through… except for Moon Girl and her pimping me out to the raffle ticket man at the local shopping centre…

But I’m trying very hard to channel my inner Aphrodite at the minute. Sometimes I manage to take on the whole sexy thing vibe, find myself sashing around, swinging my hips. Wearing what Cheesegirl used to call my ‘booby’ clothes…tops that tend to emphasis rather than hide my more than ample bosom. Having ignored those puppies for most of my adult life by wearing baggy clothes that come up to my neck, I’ve got into the flashing a bit of cleavage, figuring I should make the most of my theatre balcony before it slowly sinks into my orchestra pit.

Not that any bloody men would notice… I think I need to start sticking knock knock jokes on post it notes on each breast to even get anyone to look at them...as most of the time I’m being told by the men around me how funny I am, not how sexy I am…

It’s nice to amuse people but what I’d really like to being doing is making some gorgeous man laugh outrageously while we are naked… preferably cause I’m tickling him with a feather…

When my tarot teacher told me at the start of 2006 that I’d be having lots and lots of sex I kind of assumed there’d be someone else in the room at the time… growling with frustration…

Now it’s possible that there has been the odd bit of interest from a couple of boys lately, and I’m being my usual clueless self when it comes to reading men and just assuming they think I'm an endearingly klutzy girl rather than the red hot sex goddess I wanna be…

Someone did offer to let me whip him last week… but I have to assume he was joking… as this is the guy who a month ago said yes, he’d love to go to a movie with me, and he’d organise it… and I’m still waiting… so have to assume that he’s not madly plotting to get me alone in the dark so he can have his wicked way with me… more’s the pity…I like the dark... the dark is my friend...

MFF

(madly frustrated female), who is going to go and have a bath and read another trashy novel about handsome men with bulging bits whispering raunchy and ribald suggestions in to delicate but receptive ears...maybe I'll open a bottle of wine and crank up good old Burt B. and complete the whole miserable deal by singing along to Wishin and Hopin and Thinkin and Prayin...

Call me, call me now....

A conversation today:

MFF: Good morning, this is Miss Frou Frou

Stuart: Hi, this is Stuart from.... I'm the Food Safety Supervisor here, and it's my last day today so I need to advise that we have a new Food Safety Supervisor

MFF: Umm, hi Stuart - did you get put through from the main switchboard?

Stuart: Yes?

MFF: Ok, you've been put through to the Occ. Health and Safety area not Food Safety. Do you want to give me your number and I'll find out who you need to talk to.

Stuart: Ok, thanks my number is....

Hang Up

MFF: (dialling) Hi, can I speak to Stuart please?

Kitchen: Sure, I'll get him for you

Kitchen: (yelling) Stuart - phone!

Stuart: (yelling) who is it?

Kitchen: (yelling) Don't know... she sounds hot... must be your Mum

Stuart: Hi Mum!

MFF: Hi Stuart, this is Miss Frou Frou (laughing)

Stuart: Oh, sorry... they said it was my Mum

MFF: Yes, I heard (laughing more) Not sure if I should be complimented or offended...

Stuart: Well he did say you sounded hot! (laughing) And you do!

MFF: (laughing) Thanks, now the number you need to ring is..........

Have to tell you that it made my day... telling Moon Girl at lunch, she said actually now that I've moved upstairs and I'm not sitting next to you... you do sound hot on the phone!

I've had men reacting to my voice for most of my life... I sound a lot younger than I am, and apparently I've been told I sound like a naughty schoolgirl... don't ask me what that means. All I know is that it comes in handy when talking to salesmen over the telephone.

Boomerang Boy - used to tell me that I deliberately tried to turn him on over the phone... and I'll admit that sometimes I did... though when I once said "babe - you'd get turned on if I was reading from the yellow pages" he laughed and said "probably - why don't you try it and we'll see"

I once had a guy I was talking to ask me what I looked like, and when I said why, he said your voice is conjuring images. And I said really - who of... and he said Claudia Schiffer.



To which I laughingly replied... no, more like Magda Szubanski



I love Magda.. I think she's absolutely brilliant, and also really attractive, even though she's fearless when it comes to her work and therefore making herself look foolish. So I don't have a problem saying I resemble her, though he obviously did... you could hear the disappointment in his voice.

Always wonder what would have happened if I'd taken up the offer of working as a phone sex operator. This guy was responding to a personals ad, and ended up saying he didn't want to go out with me, but he'd really like me to work for him. Claimed he could make a lot of money off my voice, and when I said, what about me making money, said I could average $30 for every 15 minutes I could keep someone on the line.

Just to sit and talk all breathlessly and eagerly to guys on the phone... I told him I'd laugh... which is a big no-no apparently - not sure why... smirk...

Mind you, this is the same guy who wanted to know if I'd turn heads if I walked into a room. When I replied, it depended on what I was doing when I walked into the room. I'm sure if I walked into a room with a crocheted tea cozy on my head, I'd turn heads.... he didn't think that was very funny...

So, to Stuart the ex-Food Safety Supervisor and particularly his former kitchen colleague, thank you very much for making me smile today...

Can I get you fries with that?

My friend Moon Girl, brought me something amazing back from lunch yesterday... she brought me a man!

Now considering she had lunch at a suburban shopping centre, I was pretty astonished. In particular, as I may have on occasion asked for someone to buy me a sandwich, or a muffin etc. I’ve never actually asked for a man. Probably cause I didn’t know they were so readily available… talk about retail therapy!

Actually what she brought to me was a business card and mobile phone photo of a man she’d meet who was selling raffle tickets. Apparently she had a conversation with him that lead to her asking if he’d like her to pass his details on to her friend (that would be me) and he consented.

This has led to my mulling over a couple of things and raised a number of questions:

Why would she assume I would go for it?

Well, to be fair to MG, I had told her about a chat with a very close friend earlier in the week asking if I might be interested in meeting a friend of her hubby’s that had expressed an interest, and that I had cautiously but tentatively said yes.

And its common knowledge amongst the girls in the office that after licking my wounds over a very on and off relationship, that is now irrevocably off, I was finally open to the possibilities of meeting someone.

Why wouldn't I?

I’ll admit that in the recent past I’ve advertised in both the personals in print and on the net and meet ‘strangers’ via those mediums and actually enjoyed myself, something MG was also aware of.

But I could not get my head around what she’d done, and under no circumstances was I prepared to consider it… though I did have a moment of quiet empathy for this poor guy, who may be looking forward to a phone call that is never going to come.

And in trying to explain to her why yesterday realised the difference to my putting an ad in the paper or a profile on the net and this was, that in the former, I got to control the process and in the later, it was all arranged for me, hence why I cringe at the thought of being set-up.

Why do I seem to attract the lamest set-ups?

When I asked MG what about this guy made her think I’d be interested – her response was that he was single and 47 – right status, right age, why not? Oh, and he was taller than me, but considering I’m 5ft 2 that’s not exactly unusual.

This made me recall similar thought processes from friends and family including my sister and her husband trying to set up with one of his friends by saying we had a lot in common i.e. he was fat too!

Or my godbrother arranging for a friend’s brother-in-law to be at their home one evening when I was visiting – again with the, he’s single, you’re single line. Sounds fine, except the guy wore a parachute silk tracksuit and admitted that his favourite movies were the Porkys series. When he took out a tiny comb and started to groom his moustache at the dinner table, I made my excuses… and gave my godbrother a clip over the ear next time I saw him.

Why would a man agree to having his photo and number taken in the first place?

This is the most fascinating question! I would be more likely to agree to be used as a human cannonball than I would to having my photo and phone number passed on to a stranger, so assumed that this guy smacked of desperateness.

MG challenged me, by saying would I have reacted differently if he’d looked like George Clooney, which he didn’t, but then there’s only one George Clooney, and the only thing I’d be interested in in that instance would be if the raffle tickets were for being allowed to lick George from top to bottom…very, very slowly (oops, I digress)

And I could honestly say that if he’d been incredibly attractive I would have thought it even stranger… why would an incredibly attractive man agree?

And I puzzled over it, until I spoke to my friend Peter Rabbit, who kindly allows me, on occasion, into the inner workings of the mind of a single, heterosexual male.

Peter said of course he consented, as Peter would have readily done if Moon Girl. had spoken to him. He was a guy, and guys usually take what opportunities come their way.

Though I’m not so sure about Peter… considering we are friends because he responded to a personals ad that went:

ME = funny, smart, loyal, independent, articulate, loving, spontaneous, honest and sometimes difficult and argumentative

YOU = ???

You’d think he’d have learned his lesson by now…