I hope I never....

As I've been a bit of a slack-arse with both posting and keeping up to date with friends blogs I didn't realise that Karina had tagged me to do a meme and tell you 5 things about me I've never told before. Karina put a great spin on her meme and revealed 5 things she's never done... so I'm going to do the same but with a twist 5 things I hope never to do... or never to do again!

One: Work early morning shifts
My ideal job would be a job that started at midday... actually last week I did a couple of days where I worked till 8.00pm... it was bliss. Even though I started work at my normal time, I got so much work done between 4.00-8.00pm I am seriously thinking of asking if I can change my hours so that I work till 7.30pm (at least during the summer and daylight savings). Can't work till 8.00pm as I discovered last week at exactly 8.00pm the alarm activates... frightened me half to death...

Gone are the days where I will willing start work at 7.00am (unless I can work in my pj's!)

Two: Stand on the observation deck of any high rise building
I've discovered it's not heights I'm afraid of so much... it's falling. I can look out the window of a plane, can even stand at a lookout and look off into the distance... just don't ask me to look down! Famous at a previous workplace for going green at the gills and almost fainting when the electrician climbed over a guardrail and balanced precariously while trying to change a light globe. Equally as famous for refusing to walk into a training room with floor to ceiling windows in the high-rise Rialto building and then collapsing in a shaking heap when the trainer tried to reassure me by pressing his entire body against the glass.

I think in a previous life I was the virginal maiden sacrificed to the gods by being chucked into a volcano!

Three: Go to see the Monster Trucks, Car Racing, Motorbike Grand Prix et al.
I knew it was luuurv with Boomerang Boy when I agreed to go to the Monster Trucks with him one night instead of going for a walk to see the Christmas Lights along the Boulevard... sigh...

To make matters worse... he then proceeded to spend the rest of the night roaming around with his best buddy, turns out I was invited along to keep his mate's heavily pregnant girlfriend company so the boys could go watch their toys and dream....

Three: Internet Dating (those Lonesome Losers websites)
Conversation with the Nature Boy today about the ridiculous real estate prices at present that went off on a typically strange (for us) tangent:

MFF: I will probably rent for the rest of my life as I won't be able to afford to buy a house.
NB: Yes, you will.
MFF: Only if I find a man who wants to keep me in the style I wish to be accustomed to!
NB: Well, that'll happen too!
MFF: Do you think so?
NB: Yes!
MFF: I don't think that's very likely... in order to meet someone you actually need to leave the house!
NB: Well, eventually... but you could meet him and get to know him online
MFF (shaking her head furiously): Seriously... no way... the last guy I met online told me he had to leave early even before I got my coat off... and then ended up staying around for 3 hours, paying for my dinner, telling me he had a great time and would like to see me again and then a week later ringing me and saying he would like to stay in touch but he was pursuing other options and by the way he had found himself strangely aroused by me, had I been trying to arouse him and had I been aroused too!
NB (laughing): That is kind of weird...
MFF: That's the thing, he seemed so normal too... I think it's me... I bring out the odd in people
NB: Yeah, I can relate to that... (laughing)

Five: Go camping...
Back in the day when I advertised in the personals, probably a good 80% of the men who responded to my advert after telling me their name and occupation and the suburb they lived in told me they liked going camping! There was one memorable guy in his voicemail who said in a fairly decent Sylvester Stallone/Rocky Balboa voice 'Ummm... I like going fishin' and campin'... and ummm... walks on the beach, and ummm going to the movies, but I 'specially like fishin' and campin'...'

Before anyone yells at me... I realise that there are lots of people who like camping, including some females... but not this little fat duck! My idea of roughing it is a 3 star motel! And I once told Peter Rabbit that I really liked the great outdoors... as I watched it out the window on my way to the bed and breakfast!

I also told him earlier in the year, when he suggested that cuddling up in a sleeping bag was romantic, that I wasn't adverse to sharing a sleeping bag, or a tent for that matter... the man of my dreams will pitch that tent in the middle of the living room or better yet the penthouse at the Hyatt.

Love of my life wanted, must love cats...

More tales of the Boomerang Boy
MFF: Hi, how are you?
BB: Not good, I tripped down the stairs and I've hurt myself
MFF: How did you do that?
BB: Mrs Boomerang's bloody cat was scratching my bag and I chased it and slipped
MFF: (laughing) - Oh poor you...
BB: Damn cat! I told her it had to go ... so she's given the cat to her mother
MFF: Seriously?
BB: Yep, told her either the cat went or I did
MFF: You know what I would have done if you said that to me, don't you?
BB: What?
MFF: Let me help you pack your bags sweetie...
BB: (laughing) See, that's why I didn't marry you!

Indiana has a blog post today about single women getting rid of their pets if they want to date! With the utmost respect to Indy, he can bugger off!

I've had pets all my life, and one of the things I missed most when I moved out of home was the presence of animals. I love cats and dogs, but do believe with my lifestyle that a dog would be an indulgence. But have two cats, getting Gertie the year I moved out, and then Gracie the following year to keep her company when my nephew moved out and she was spending a lot of time on her own.

We are a package deal... and I'm aware that there are men who do not like cats, which is why I tell prospective dates about mine early on... I'm not going to waste either his or my time if he has an allergy or an active dislike of them.

In the same way that I don't date men who have children but don't play a role in their lives (unless there are circumstances like distance etc. that prevent it) I wouldn't date a man who would expect me to give up my animals...

You say potato, I say potato.... Misunderstanding Men...

More tales of the Boomerang Boy...

MFF: Hi, it's Frou

BB: Oh, hi - what can I do for you?

MFF: Um... is there something you wanted to ask me?

BB: No, why?

MFF: Ohhh... I'm sorry... I've been mistaken, sorry to bother you

BB: No, wait... what do you mean?

MFF: T said you had asked her if she thought I might go out with you if you asked. She's obviously playing some sort of game... trying to embarrass either you or me

BB: OH... no, that's right I did talk to her about it... what did you tell her?

MFF: I told her yes

(Awkward silence)

MFF: Umm... so... are you going to ask me?

BB: Ohhh... I thought you might ummm ask me....

MFF: B, why do you think I rang you in the first place?

BB: OH! Yeah... right... so you're asking me out... Cool!

I should have ran... I really, really should have...

And new tales of Boof...

Boof: Hi, what are you wearing?

MFF: Heah, you have no right to play those games...

Boof: Why?

MFF: Girlfriend, remember?

Boof: Oh yeah.. but nothing wrong with indulging in wishful thinking

MFF: You had your chance mate, and you blew it...

Boof: When did I have my chance? There was never a chance... was there?

MFF: What did you think I was doing all those nights hanging around at work till midnight sitting out on the back steps drinking coffee while you smoked?

Boof: Having a break from work?

MFF: And why did you think I volunteered to take the minutes for you when you were Football Club President?

Boof: You liked football?

MFF: And why was it that my girlfriends all accidentally bumped into us those nights at the pub and joined us?

Boof: Shit... they were checking me out! Seriously? You were interested in me?

MFF: You are an idiot!

Boof: But, but... that's not fair... I didn't know...

MFF: Doesn't matter now, does it... like I said you had your chance...

Email later in the day:

Boof:I still think you can't blow a chance you didn't know you had to begin with

MFF: Don't sulk, it doesn't become you...

And now for the Nature Boy

MFF: Can I ask you something? As a member of the male species, who knows me reasonably well?

NB: Sure!

MFF:Am I flirt? My girlfriends all claim I am a terrible flirt...

NB: No, not at all... you're very playful and full of banter but not at all flirtatious

MFF: Ok, thanks

MFF: (Unspoken thoughts) I seriously need to lift my game... cause for a brief while back in the beginning I actually was flirting with him... !


So, I'm pondering...

Are men clueless?

Or am I pathologically incapable of understanding them?

With my body I thee worship....

Boomerang Boy: She's a 'what you see is what you get' kind of girl
Miss Frou Frou: And I'm not?
BB: No way!
MFF: Seriously? What do you mean?
BB: You're like Forrest Gump's Chocolates... you never know what your going to get until you bite into it...
MFF: But you like chocolate?
BB: Yeah, but I want to know what kind it is before I eat it!

The above exchange took place about 4 years ago, as part of a discussion about the kind of relationship BB wanted into the future, and why he was marrying someone else, even though he still professed some feelings for me.

It lead to some interesting conversations with friends at the time, as I tried to understand what he meant. Most of my friends saying they thought I was open and honest and very much a 'what you see is what you get' kind of girl... though interestingly a conversation with MLF (my first love who I've known for over 25 years) was illuminating...

MFF: He said I wasn't a 'what you see is what you get' kind of girl
MFL: He's talking through his arse... you're a straight shooter
MFF: Thanks... even way back when we first meet and we were going through all that 'will we/ won't we' stuff of our relationship?
MFL: (silence - laughter) .... Oh yeah, I see his point...

All of this is playing out in my head at the minute, as B and S at work are dead keen on turning 'find Frou Frou a man' into their next project... wanting to put my profile up online etc. and I am so ambivalent about it all... and I'm wondering why I am so unenthusiastic...

What also keeps playing through my head is a conversation with Nature Boy earlier in the year.

NB: Do you realise every time the subject of men and relationships comes up you either snort dismissively or you do the eyeroll thing?
MFF: Yeah, well that's because the whole men/relationships thing and I don't fit very well ... always ends up in tears before bedtime
NB: You're not very confident about yourself, are you?
MFF: Oh, you've misunderstood. I am very confident... I know I am an amazing woman and some man would be extraordinarily lucky to have me.
NB: Umm... ok... (looking at me like I'm an alien)
MFF: Where I lack confidence is in the single men out there and they're ability to see me for the Goddess that I am...

Fortune Cookie... oh my ....

Your Fortune Is

It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

And to all those people in real life who know me well, SHUT UP WITH THE I TOLD YOU SO's....

FROU'S TO DO LIST...
* Stop falling in love with losers

Dazed and confused.... ponderings of the terminally single!

This is going to be a bit of a ramble, as I've had conversations IRL and been following some thread conversations in blogland that have me asking lots of questions, about myself, where I'm at, where I'm going and whether I'm going to get there.... So bear with me ok?

Boy Talk???
I have a friend, Peter Rabbit. We sort of dated(see next question) briefly, before becoming really good friends, who go out a lot to movies, or singles things, and talk to or email each other regularly. I would include him on my list of really close friends.

Over the 3 plus years we've known each other he's told me a lot about his friends and I’ve told him a lot about mine and told my friends about him. In fact, he’s met a lot of my friends, to the point that some friends say “if you want to invite the Rabbit Man along, he’s more than welcome”.

So it came as a surprise to me earlier in the year when he told me, apart from the guy who knew that he had a date with this strange girl# way back when, he's never mentioned me to any of his mates.

And when I expressed this surprise and wondered why, he said it had nothing at all to do with not wanting to discuss me, just that generally he and his mates don’t talk about women… well not specific ones anyway. They might lament how hard it is to find and keep a girl etc., but they don’t as a rule talk about the women in their lives specifically, and even less so now, as he is the only single guy left of his small group.

This isn't the only time I've had conversations with guys, who have expressed similar opinions. Actually once had a guy tell me, that the more a guy talks about you to others, the less serious he is....???? What do others think?

What is a Date?
A friend told me about a conversation with a guy who asked her out a couple of times for dinner and/or movies and his announcing that they were not dating, as he defined a date as someone he intended to have sex with, and he only had sex within a relationship and as he had decided he wanted to forgo relationships for the moment, that meant their semi-regular outings were not dates!

He then went on to ask her did she think they were dating, to which she replied, what difference does it make, as you've already decided that we aren't?

If I used the definition as used by this guy, I almost never date! Or as Miss La De Da keeps telling me, I am a serial first dater!

I've met a fair few guys over the last 8 years or so, mainly through the various experiments at the personals and internet dating##. Not that many, compared to the number of responses I received - both times I advertised in the personals I clocked up over 100 responses (that just shows I'm good at marketing, not so great at sales). I spoke to lots, but probably only met about 10 of them all up, before I usually got a bit feed up with how hard it all was, or Boomerang Boy bounced back for awhile.

Of the men I met, Peter Rabbit is the only one still around. He responded to the 2nd personals ad I placed, and we had a long, funny, interesting telephone conversation and a long, funny, interesting dinner (we closed the restaurant) and I liked him immediately and though I'm very glad to have met him, he's not the one for me, something I realised almost from the beginning. Though I've told him he's going to be one of my bridesmaids, if I ever get married.

So, was that first evening a date? When there was the possibility of there being an attraction? And once, the possibility of attraction is gone, anything else is not considered a date?

Knowing what you want and being prepared to say it...
On Saturday, my tarot teacher organised a lunch with current and former students that she thought might connect. Six of us met, and I for one, had a lovely time, and would happily meet these women again. Unlike, Peter Rabbit and his cronies, we talked about all sorts of things including men and relationships...as all of us, ranging in age from early 30s to 57 are either single or divorced.

One of the women told the story of a friend, dating a guy, after both had been divorced. Early on, on one of their first dates he announced that he had no intention of ever remarrying. To which she replied, really - I have ever intention of getting married again. And she said, it's ok that you told me, now I know how much energy to put into this relationship with you, as despite the fact that I like you a lot, I definitely plan to be an old married lady, obviously not to you though. They were married two years later!

She said, that you need to be clear about what you want, and make that clear to men###. If you're happy to be friends with benefits, then say so. But if you really want to be in a committed relationship, make that clear from the beginning.

At some level, I understood what she was talking about but I also found the conversation unsettling. I should just come straight out and tell people what I want... sure... once I work out what the hell that is!

Do I want to be married? Will admit never did do the whole dreamy playing bride thing as a little girl, though I did get hitched to George#### behind the shelter sheds in Grade 3 in a mock wedding, but as my friend Kazz was the minister, I don't think it counts, does it. Maybe that's why I can't imagine being married to anyone else, I'm betrothed already!

Isn't the question more do I want to be married to you? Whoever, you happen to be... But I don't think in those terms. I think about do I want to spend time with you, do you make me laugh, do you turn me on, can I imagine my life without you in it? Whether we are married or not, live together or just visit on occasion is just housekeeping isn't it?

That blasted switch!
Boomerang Boy used to tell me that I had a flashing light on my forehead that used to say 'take me, take me' - actually he was a bit cruder, when he talked about it, but that was the gist. I don't think that's what the flashing light said, but I am aware of sometimes flicking on a switch, that kicks me into another gear, where I find myself responsive and open to the interest of men.

We talked about this at lunch on Saturday, as FBG, wise woman that she is, keeps telling me I'm the keeper of the switch, I get to turn it on and off. But as we discussed at lunch, it's hard to keep the switch on if there isn't someone to flash it at... and it's very easy and often much simpler to just turn it off. We all agreed that there have been times, in some cases years, were we shut down the whole idea of any form of relationship, and consequently, you become invisible. At those times, my flashing light says don't even think about it...

That damn switch has been on for months... as I've been open to the possibilities of what the world has to offer, finally putting Boomerang Boy in the past where he belongs. And it shows I guess, which is probably why I've got friends trying to set me up with people, left and centre. And it was shining brightest when I've been playing with the Nature Boy over the last few months, despite the fact, that our friendship was mostly silly stuff and nothing overtly sexual in any of it.

And since my little meltdown of the other week with him, the light hasn't gone out completely, but it's wavering and flickering a bit and would take very little to snuff it out. But I don't want to snuff it out... want to keep the momentum going but am not sure how to go about it.

Suggestions people?

# not strange in a woo woo way, just strange, as in a stranger. He waited till he got to know me to tell me I was strange, in a woo woo way... actually that's what he likes most about me...

## As to the internet, have had lots of emails and the odd phone call, but have only met one guy through rsvp - met for a coffee, he invited me to stay for dinner and then said he'd like to call me sometime. Rang me a week later to say that he was meeting another couple of women, but that he'd like to stay in touch, which I took to mean that I'd maybe made the team, but was sitting on the interchange bench!

And then out of the blue announced that he was very attracted, and found himself aroused by our conversation at dinner, and was confused, cause he wasn't sure if I was trying to arouse him deliberately - ah -that would be a no! And then asked me, if I had been aroused... ah - that would be a no! Never heard from him again!!!

### Reminds me of a friend telling me that when asked what did she want to get out of the internet dating experience on a first date with a guy, replied - mindless sex - to which he swallowed his tongue! She followed him home on the 2nd date and has been with him every since.

#### He actually remembered... when organising my 20 year school reunion I spoke to George, and he remembered that wedding ceremony, and we had a quiet laugh about it. Was actually looking forward to seeing him, any boy that remember that about you when you were 9 is worth a check out I reckon, but he didn't show...

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience...Calvin and Hobbes

Roget's New Millenium Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.3.1)
Main Entry: way with words
Part of Speech: Noun
Definition: command of language
Synonyms: articulateness, articulation, elocution, eloquence, expressiveness, facility of speech, fluency, gift of gab, oratory, silver tongue, word power

I love words... like to say them, read them, write them.

I was very verbal, very early... and still am... but I also learned very early to listen carefully to the words people used, because sometimes what was said, wasn't always what was meant. And the things unsaid were often the most important and how people reacted and responded to the things that were said, were most important of all... all of which learning went completely out the window in the last 48 hours when I turned into the deranged woman from hell... sigh...

I love nothing more than to talk to people, to ask them questions, to explore who they are and how they feel about things. And to entertain them, with stories and anecdotes that are amusing and/or profound.

So it would stand to reason that in my interactions with men, that talking would be important, and for the most part, men have always talked to me, they haven't wanted to date me very often, and most definitely didn't want to marry me, but they always liked to talk...

And the critical thing for me in all of the important relationships with men has been the conversations, the interchange of thoughts, the comfort with which we have shared our hopes and aspirations and fears. I've discovered that I don't care what he does for a living, how much money he makes, whether he showers with me gifts... what I need a man to do is woo me with words...##

There was MFL, a dark, brooding, angst ridden boy when I first met him. We drunkenly pashed the first time we met, and the second time I saw him he resembled a teary, drowned rat, after some family domestic. I wrote him a letter, saying that if he wanted to talk I'd be happy to listen, which started a strange but wonderful relationship. As he describes us, we were friends who complicated things with sex and alcohol. He broke my heart, then mended it again, and I danced at his wedding a few years ago.

There was Boomerang Boy, who sat with me on a park swing on our first date till the wee small hours of the morning talking about everything and all things... His friends said but he doesn't talk... to which I replied, well he talks to me.

I fell in love with him that night, while he struggled so hard to find things we had in common, and he bared his soul. It was easy enough to do, as if I'm honest, I'd been having lustful thoughts in my panties about him for months beforehand... but that night he opened a door to my heart and assigned himself a place in it... but he was often uncomfortable that I knew so much about him...

Looking back, it was doomed to fail... as he isn't naturally communicative, this is the man who doesn't like to talk during sex as it's too distracting! I laughed, apparently, you're not supposed to do that either... Though I have him partly to thank for helping my writing... it was after daring me to explore some fantasies that I wrote a collection of erotic short stories for him...

And S - for 8 years I got to share my workday with a man who respected my thoughts and opinions, and trusted me implicitly. He gave me opportunities, and got out of my way as I explored them. If I'd been married to him, I'd have killed him in a month... as he is so laid back to be almost comatose... but he gets me. He took the time to work out the logic behind my apparently illogical behaviour... which relies a lot on gut, and intuition and my reading of other people. So if I said, that approach isn't going to work with that person, he would listen. Then usually go ahead and do it anyway, just to be contrary and then trust me to work it out...

There was W - my first real experience with being attracted to a man because of his mind, and the things he had to say. From a physical standpoint, I couldn't say I found him appealing, and I'm positive it was the same for him... he was very vocal about the type of women he liked, and I certainly wasn't it...but the conversations! He paid me the ultimate compliment once, by saying he loved arguing with me... not only could I hold up my end of the argument and state my position clearly, I could explain rationally why I felt the way I did. He said I love it, except when you are so good at it that you convince me that you're right and I'm wrong, and then I hate it... bitch!

And then we come to now...

I started to write this post a week ago, but couldn't comfortably post it, as it felt unfinished. And realised today that the reason it was unfinished, as it was a prelude to now, and the absolute balls-up I've made of a friendship with a lovely guy. He's the reason I'm writing here at all, as he's encouraged me to write, write, write as he puts it.

Imagine what it feels like for me, to meet someone who is just genuinely interested in people and engaging in dialogue, who is witty in a slightly off kilter way, and clever, clever, clever... and then imagine me when he seems to take some delight in the things I have to say and the way that I say them. And can more than hold his own on the communication front... he can play the verbiage volley like a champion. Actually I think he's better at this than me, as he wouldn't take a thousand words when only ten will do. His take on all of this would go something like:

Verbose, slightly deranged, but funny girl completely misinterprets and misunderstands interest of polite, short responses boy!

It seemed miraculous that by chance I should stumble across this man... and feel so immediately comfortable talking to him... and in all my excitement, I was totally oblivious to the fact that he's not quite so comfortable with me. Do I think that he enjoys me, yeah, I think he does. Do I freak him out a little, yeah... and after the last 48 hours, I'd say the freak-o-meter is now in the danger zone...sigh...

To be honest, I'm not sure how much of this was about sexual attraction. Was I attracted to him, yes, most definitely. Did he make my loins burn with lust... ahh that would be a no... though I did ask myself the question I always ask... could I kiss this face? And surprised myself by saying yeah, maybe... which is a huge thing for me... while I love men, I can honestly say there aren't too many men that pass the 'could I kiss this face?' test, and if I can't kiss their face, sure as eggs, not going to be doing anything else with them!###

It was the words... the word play... the toing and froing of ideas and silliness that was so attractive. And unbeknown to him, every time he engaged and played with me, I became a little bit more smitten. Every time he told me that I was perceptive and funny and clever, I swooned a little... reacting like a girl that has just been told that she was pretty...

Except there has been some words used that don't make me feel so pretty... like you are unconventional, or you over analyse things, or you think you know me but you don't... which have made me pause... radar quivering, thinking some thing's not quite right here...

And a pattern of advance and withdraw that is scarily familiar... yes I want to play, no I don't... I know none of this was deliberate, and in none of this has he been rude or obnoxious... quite the opposite in fact.

But it was my own response that has worried me most... and the realisation that this has become important, he has become important... when in fact, he's little more than a stranger... and I've allowed myself to get emotionally involved to a much higher level than was warranted... caught up in the words and the dialogue without seeing if there was anything behind them...

And then yesterday with a simple question from him of are you OK... I let all of this worry spew out... talk about somethings are better left unsaid... but I needed to say it... needed to get some sense of where he was coming from... which I did... most definitely...what is it that they say... be careful what you ask, as you may not like the answer...

I think this could be my most spectacular form of self-sabotage yet...

And I'm sad today... not weeping and wailing sad, just sad... sad because I have crashed and burned a sweet and lovely friendship and sad because at the same time I have upset someone who has shown me nothing but kindness.... poor man... and mostly sad because I was enjoying myself... was stimulated and challenged in ways that I haven't been for a long time, if ever... and I'm going to miss this and him...


## I've always said that the way to win me is to stop me talking (and thinking) but am starting to think that what I need is a man who can talk me into bed... imagine a continuous dialogue while you get me naked and horizontal...

### sounds extreme, but I did once have to stop the car on the way home and put my head between my knees and dry-heave into the gutter, after a boy I definitely did not want to, decided to tickle my tonsils. So, am very, very careful not to get myself into situations where that is likely to happen again...

Tattoo you... well tattoo me actually....

I've always been fascinated by tattoos ... used to stare at my cousin's beefeater arms with their semi-naked ladies when I was child. Didn't like them, but was fascinated. A boy I had a crush on years ago had a bluebird tattooed above his heart... I liked that one... well, I liked the boy and the chest that it was on.

And when the celtic/ tribal tattoos took off, I really liked those. I like to know why people have them, and I can admire the skill of the artist often, even if I couldn't imagine having that inked on to my skin. So, I flirted with the idea of getting a tattoo for years, and the year I was turning 38 decided to do it while in Sydney for the Mardi Gras with a friend.

I wasn't sure what I wanted ... thought about my astrological sign, Pisces and also thought about a moon of some sort... as I have a strong affinity to the moon, always have had....##

I also love butterflies... for some people they represent the futility of life, once a butterfly emerges from the chrysalis they only live for 4 to 10 days... but for me they represent transformation and change, I had changed... and wanted something to reflect that change. So, I picked a butterfly...a small butterfly tattooed on my hip... so small in fact, that if I don't wear my glasses it looks like a multicoloured bruise.

Angus the Folly (also known as Boomerang Boy) was horrified when I told him that I wanted to get one. I hate tattoos, says he. So what, says I, I like them. He didn't believe I'd do it, actually I wasn't so sure myself... When I got back from Sydney, very proud of my little butterfly I had this conversation with him over the phone:

BB: Did you do it? Did you get one?

MFF: Yeah, I did.

BB: What did you get?

MFF: I got our initials tattooed inside a heart on my right boob

BB: What!!!! Are you for real?

MFF: No, stupid... as if I would...

BB: Well, what then?

MFF: You know that Where's Wally game?

BB: Yes, I love that game...

MFF: Well, we could play our own private version of Where's Wally...

BB: What!!!! Seriously?

MFF: How about you find out for yourself next time I see you...

He never did get to see it, as he boomeranged out of my life again quite dramatically not long after...

People's reactions to the fact that I have one is always fascinating.### Lots of disapproval, lots of how could you be so stupid etc. Particularly from men around my age or older... I kind of liked the idea of turning people's perceptions of me on their head a little, this was such a personal thing, a declaration that my body was mine, to do with what I will....

I always intended to have another done... I truly loved the experience, love the memory of that time, and how I felt... and thought about adding to the butterfly collection... to end up with a scattering of butterflies all over my body... still kind of like that idea...and as my birthday approached this year, thought about it again.

The universe is sending me strong messages about this tattoo thing... NPNP and I discussed finding a tattooist a few weeks ago. I thought again about my zodiac sign, and also about a tree of some sort, as I seem to be dreaming and meditating a lot about trees lately. Or the chinese symbols for wisdom and hope... though have heard a story about someone having the chinese symbol for tattoo tattooed on them... which is funny...

And then one of the blogs I've started to read had a link to an old post tattoos being sexy, and talked about how you need to find a tattoo that represents who you are...so, I started to ponder a bit... who am I now?

One of the bloggers who commented on the post above talked about having the word 'yes' tattooed on the back of her waist, and I thought about what word would best describe me... and immediately thought the word that best describes me is ...why... and then thought again of a guy I dated briefly suggesting I should have a giant ? placed on my tombstone to indicate what an enigma I was... so started thinking about a series of small question marks. Actually have seen a yin/yang symbol that has 2 question marks inside it, that looks pretty cool too...

And then today at work, in having a discussion about the appropriateness of footwear worn on casual days (barefoot or rubber thongs) I looked down at a colleague's foot and noticed a gorgeous tattoo ... a spiral inside a scroll along the edge of her foot, trailing down from her little toe. I commented on her 'great tatt' and she said thanks and we then had a chat and I discovered that her brother is a tattooist, working locally. She's going to give me his name and let him know I'm going to ring, as he only does work by referral.

So, it looks like the universe is sending me the opportunity to do this... I just need to decide on the what, where and when.####

## and to anyone who wants to make a cheap crack about my affinity with the moon and my odd moments of lunacy I say pfft....

### At my birthday party that year, I happily showed off my butterfly, until my boss, licked his thumb and rubbed his hand over it - not believing it was real. Forget how weird it was to have my very hunky boss rub spit on me, to say his wife (who was standing beside him at the time) was unimpressed was an understatement

#### Where? - I'm pretty sure I want something on my shoulder... not hidden exactly, but not obvious. When? - soon I hope. What? - still don't know... any suggestions?

Songs to Remember By...

On Wednesday night, following a recommendation from Jappa, 3 friends and I went to see the gala launch of the Choir of Hard Knocks at the Melbourne Town Hall, which was truly inspirational. They sang like angels, and we all found ourselves moved to tears and I'd heartily recommend you try to catch them if they come to your area.

I've realised that music is something that I can measure my life by, important and not so important moments, both good and bad times... there is usually some song that reflects that time or feelings, with songs capable of bringing back a time and place so vividly...

I love music, and love singing, though was told as a young girl in the school choir to sing 'quietly' i.e. mime, so was very self-conscious of singing for most of my life... and equally as self-conscious of dancing until I hit my 30s (would only dance when I was drunk before then and then I would dance on the tables!).

That doesn't stop music from being as vital as breathing to me... so here then are some of the songs that reflect me and my life...

Someday, One Day - The Seekers (people say your a dreamer, what do they know of what your thinking, if you believe in what your doing, then believe in what I say)- this creates the most vivid memory of first year at primary school, and being dropped off at a family friends house before school. I have never been much of a morning person, even as a little girl, so being bundled out of the house to go to a strangers home at the start of each day was a stress for me... but this song, which must have been in the charts at the time always seemed to be on the radio, and we got warm porridge and honey for breakfast ...yum...

Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime - Dean Martin - we had a turquoise VW beetle with a radio that didn't work, so car trips usually involved us kids sitting in the back singing songs to entertain my Dad. Invariably, he would warble this to us - but changing the lyrics to 'something in your kiss just told me, I've just kissed a cow!

Lullaby of Broadway - goodnight baby, goodnight, the milkman's on his way, sleep tight baby, sleep tight, let's call it a day - my first dance lessons, in a local hall with the daughter of a neighbour, we did a dance routine to this song, a sort of tap/ ballet fusion... I was probably 6 and already completely uncoordinated and had such a miserable time of it that I didn't dance on stage again until I was 38!

Lipstick on Your Collar - Connie Francis - this is one for Miss La De Da - her and my sister age about 10, learning the lyrics and putting on a show for the family. For some reason this song also has the visual memory of MLDD masticating a banana sandwich with her mouth open... yuk!

Slipstream -Sherbet, Living in the 70's - Skyhooks, High Voltage - AC/DC, Hard Road - Stevie Wright - the soundtrack of my teens, the first 4 albums I bought when I got a part-time job in a lotto/record/gift store. My first concert, Festival Hall, Buster Brown with Angry Anderson on vocals, Skyhooks just as their first album was released and Sherbet!

Turn the Beat Around - Vicki Sue Robinson - 17 years old, Collingwood Districts Football Club Disco - at a hall in Carlton North every Saturday night, $3 for chicks, $8 for blokes, as most of the chicks brought their Asti Spumante, and they had a keg of beer for the boys. I drank beer with the usual result of being totally rat-assed by the end of the night. A gorgeous (think young Robert Redford) boy used to pounce on me most Saturdays, put my hand in the back pocket of his jeans, and dance close, telling all and sundry I was his wife... and then completely blank me if he saw me on the street during the week, only to repeat the whole routine the following Saturday... talk about being confused... He gave me my first (and probably only) illicit drug, telling me it would make me feel better, and then had to spend the night wrapped around me in the backseat of a car while I screamed and howled my way down from the trip from hell. He spread the word that anyone giving me anything stronger than beer was going to answer to him, and then blackened his mate's eye when mate shoved a bottle under my nose, saying sniff this!

Counting the Beat - The Swingers - my semi-punk days, short peroxide blonde hair, with jet black wispy bits stuck to my cheek, a multi-coloured bomber jacket, tight black skirt, one aqua stocking, one red, covered by fishnets... thought I was really cool, but never wore the outfit again after we walked into the pub one night to hear 'OK, we can start now, the circus has arrived'

Walking on the Moon - The Police - giant steps are what you take, walking on the moon, I hope my legs don't break, walking on the moon - first full-time job, living away from home for the first time in a share house with 2 chicks and a bloke in Richmond. The band stayed at the motel I worked at their first tour out, and we saw them play at Festival Hall...

Gonna Fly Now - The Theme from Rocky - aah, liniment, smelly socks and boys... football club rooms and the big difference between juniors and seniors is that seniors like to walk around naked... oh my... I don't like football... I like footballers!

Rhiannon - Fleetwood Mac - My First Love sang this to me the night we met... both slightly intoxicated, sleepily sitting on Gossy's mum's couch close to midnight after he'd played in the winning grand final for his local team. He sang this quietly into my ear while he stroked my hair and then he kissed me... **

No Lies - Noiseworks - one of my groupie stages++ (no sex though drats!)... sent the guys a bunch of balloons while they were recording their first album in Melbourne and came home to a gorgeous message on the machine from Jon Stevens. Meet them after a gig at the then Bell Street Rock one Easter, and they put my name on the door for every Melbourne gig for the next few years. Even got an invite up to Sydney for the filming of an MTV special when the album was released.

How Do I Live Without You - Trisha Yearwood, Easy - Faith No More, Throwing Cooper - Live - sitting on the swings at Fairfield Park at 3.00am talking to Angus Folly Boy on our first date, and his relief after about half an hour of debate in discovering yes, we did like some of the same music - he was a metal head, and I'm a musical theatre girl! I sprinkled these songs through mix tapes that I played at ten pin bowling and we'd make eye contact across a crowded bowling alley and smile at each other.

Big Spender - Sweet Charity - so let me get right to the point, I don't pop my cork for every guy I see - finally putting the past and self-consciousness behind me and belting this out at karaoke at a work Christmas Party without worrying about what I sounded like... the fact that I was 12 kinds of pissed probably helped... but singing the love song duet with my boss at midnight was probably a bad move...

Would you...? - Touch and Go -I've noticed you around, I find you very attractive, would you, um, um, would you go to bed with me? - I laughed out loud (it was either that or cry) when this was playing on the radio after leaving Angus Folly Boy's house the ill-fated night he planned the big seduction scene. I arrived to find him almost crippled with back pain, which was bad enough, and then his brother deliberately came home to check me out, when he'd been told to stay away - add a malamute that went for the crotch snuggle every time she came into the room and his bedroom walls covered with photo's of naked women in poses only their gyno should see and is it any wonder I said there was no way I was going to get naaaaked!

The Healer - John Lee Hooker - first time I got my feet and brain to work in sync at Miss Lou Lou's Tap Dancing Academy, age 38! Heah ma, I can dance!%% Went on to dance at the National Theatre to The MilkShake - The Village People dressed as a cow, Tijuana Taxi by Herb Albert in sombrero and poncho and a fake moustache that kept falling off, as a gold tinselly sausage, I mean, showgirl to Madonna's Hanky Panky, and my swan-song - Singing in the Rain by Gene Kelly dressed as a duck!

** MFL is still the kisser against whom all other kissers are judged...

++ Wrote to bass player of MiSex once, and we started a telephone/ letter exchange for awhile - he'd ring when the band were down and we'd chat about music and stuff, and again, my name on the door at gigs, but I never actually met him...


%% Well, actually I can't really... why a girl who spends most of her time dancing from the waist up, lots of hand gestures, not a lot of foot work, ever took up tap is beyond me. The first time I ever persevered with something I suck at big time! It was fun, but after 5 years you were actually expected to be pretty good!!!

Call me, call me now....

A conversation today:

MFF: Good morning, this is Miss Frou Frou

Stuart: Hi, this is Stuart from.... I'm the Food Safety Supervisor here, and it's my last day today so I need to advise that we have a new Food Safety Supervisor

MFF: Umm, hi Stuart - did you get put through from the main switchboard?

Stuart: Yes?

MFF: Ok, you've been put through to the Occ. Health and Safety area not Food Safety. Do you want to give me your number and I'll find out who you need to talk to.

Stuart: Ok, thanks my number is....

Hang Up

MFF: (dialling) Hi, can I speak to Stuart please?

Kitchen: Sure, I'll get him for you

Kitchen: (yelling) Stuart - phone!

Stuart: (yelling) who is it?

Kitchen: (yelling) Don't know... she sounds hot... must be your Mum

Stuart: Hi Mum!

MFF: Hi Stuart, this is Miss Frou Frou (laughing)

Stuart: Oh, sorry... they said it was my Mum

MFF: Yes, I heard (laughing more) Not sure if I should be complimented or offended...

Stuart: Well he did say you sounded hot! (laughing) And you do!

MFF: (laughing) Thanks, now the number you need to ring is..........

Have to tell you that it made my day... telling Moon Girl at lunch, she said actually now that I've moved upstairs and I'm not sitting next to you... you do sound hot on the phone!

I've had men reacting to my voice for most of my life... I sound a lot younger than I am, and apparently I've been told I sound like a naughty schoolgirl... don't ask me what that means. All I know is that it comes in handy when talking to salesmen over the telephone.

Boomerang Boy - used to tell me that I deliberately tried to turn him on over the phone... and I'll admit that sometimes I did... though when I once said "babe - you'd get turned on if I was reading from the yellow pages" he laughed and said "probably - why don't you try it and we'll see"

I once had a guy I was talking to ask me what I looked like, and when I said why, he said your voice is conjuring images. And I said really - who of... and he said Claudia Schiffer.



To which I laughingly replied... no, more like Magda Szubanski



I love Magda.. I think she's absolutely brilliant, and also really attractive, even though she's fearless when it comes to her work and therefore making herself look foolish. So I don't have a problem saying I resemble her, though he obviously did... you could hear the disappointment in his voice.

Always wonder what would have happened if I'd taken up the offer of working as a phone sex operator. This guy was responding to a personals ad, and ended up saying he didn't want to go out with me, but he'd really like me to work for him. Claimed he could make a lot of money off my voice, and when I said, what about me making money, said I could average $30 for every 15 minutes I could keep someone on the line.

Just to sit and talk all breathlessly and eagerly to guys on the phone... I told him I'd laugh... which is a big no-no apparently - not sure why... smirk...

Mind you, this is the same guy who wanted to know if I'd turn heads if I walked into a room. When I replied, it depended on what I was doing when I walked into the room. I'm sure if I walked into a room with a crocheted tea cozy on my head, I'd turn heads.... he didn't think that was very funny...

So, to Stuart the ex-Food Safety Supervisor and particularly his former kitchen colleague, thank you very much for making me smile today...