And Solitaire's the only game in town...

Miss Frou Frou -- [noun]: A hermit living in the big city 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

How weird is this? Though I'm pretty sure the meanings are random, if I put Miss Frou Frou in more than once, I'd get more than one answer... but still this is a bit weird... considering my current mood...

With 8 weeks of Sunday choir rehearsals, and meditation classes and catching up with friends and other social activities and work I'm getting a bit frazzled...

Am seriously looking forward to next weekend, after the first two Choir Concerts, and a friends birthday party on Saturday night ... I have 3 days off... am going to spend them on my own, I hope... not speaking... shut away in my little bolthole... I'm not sure if I can wait that long...

This is what worries me most I think about having a serious relationship with someone else, my need for solitude... which can come on unexpectedly at times... will someone understand my need to regularly hibernate... to be still and quiet?

Though Jeni B, my tarot reader/ teacher keeps telling me that the 'right' person will understand that need, and more than likely have the same need. She keeps reminding me of a theme through my meditations over the last 2 years of myself, in a little cottage, in a room that is mine, with my books and crafty things and an open fire and a desk by the window at which I write. And in all of those meditations, there is either someone working alone in another room, or someone else close by... a footfall at the door, a shadow, the anticipation of someone expected... sigh... I wish...


Of course, in the Tarot, the Hermit symbolises much of these feelings. A time to withdraw, to be introspective in order to gain perspective. Soul-searching, time for self-illumination, truth and wisdom of the higher self. It can also represent a guide, a wise woman/man offering others that same illumination, truth and wisdom. I sometimes wonder if I'm meant to take both meanings, I'm definitely someone who searches my soul... but am I also required to share the results of that soul-searching?


Note: When I put in my real name I was told that it means "tastes like chicken"... lol

Help me if you can, I'm feeling .... verklempt....

OK, well... you have no idea how tempted I was to sign up for Alison Kent's 70 Days of Sweat Writing Challenge particularly as most of my favourite people (Rhi - I'm turning into you cause I keep typing peeple or peeps!) including Rhian, Thomma Lyn, Joely, Shiloh and, last but not least, Red are taking up the challenge and I suspect the blog traffic will be a bit slow while they've got their heads down and bums up trying to churn out 4-6 pages of writing a day for the next 70 days.

My 'gunna' personality (I'm gunna do this and I'm gunna do that) kicked in to top gear and I thought "I could do this", it would be a fantastic kick start for me who has a multitude of ideas floating in my head, as this would force me to commit to putting ideas down on paper.

I'm putting it down to slightly flu induced insanity... and cooler/ calmer heads prevailed when I thought about my next 70 days... I have to either draft or review and redraft 32 policies and procedures for work by the end of the year, so that's a big chunk of writing time in my working hours (you know that thing I do, called a job!).

And then I had the internal conversation "oh - I could not write a lot during the week and basically just churn during the weekend" - I am 100% certifiably nuts!

I have 3 hours of choir rehearsal every Sunday for the next 7 weeks, and am barely scratching the surface and need to put some extra hours in so I can actually learn these bloody songs as I am now performing in not 1, not 2 but 3 concerts and what's more have people coming to watch these performances... I'm tired and emotional just thinking about it... add in twice weekly tarot/ meditation classes and housework (which I hate to do at the best of times) and really... What was I thinking?

And it's not like I even have a concrete story idea to flesh out ... as previously stated there are little snippets written down, but most of these story ideas are buried deep in my brain and there is nothing I could just pick up and go 'right - I'm half way through and need to write another 50,000 words to finish'.

So, have decided instead of setting a totally unrealistic for me goal of writing 4-6 pages a day, that I would settle on ONE idea and try to flesh it out and write as much as I can, when I can over the next 70 days.

This is where I need your help! I have not 1, not 2, but 5 story ideas, and need to get a bit of a feel for which ones to try to expand on... would be interested in feedback from any/or all of you as to which story you would most like to read:

IDEA ONE: late 30s/early 40s single quilt shop owner is bullied persuaded by her girl buddies to do the personals thing... so story is a humorous take on singledom and dating. Add in a nerdy, slightly pompous guy who buys the building next door to create his own bookshop to the mix and all sorts of things happen... have a rough draft of the scene where he meets her for the first time, that involves pouring rain, a cat having a litter of kittens, and a very well rounded bottom covered in a sodden pink chenille dressing-gown and bunny slippers (oh, did I say she's a bit of an oddball?) protruding from under a crate.

IDEA TWO: Family of women, mother and 2 sisters, over a 15-20 year period in a small country town and the men they are involved with. One sister, the pretty princess type, the other the shy, brainy one. Main male characters are the local small town boy made good, his estranged father and shy, brainy girl's best friend.

IDEA THREE: 7 friends, 2 sets of brother/sisters, one Aussie, one Greek, growing up in Collingwood during the 60s and 70s. Main story arc is the return of one of the men after being overseas for a number of years and the changing dynamic on the group, who have known each other since primary school but are now adults... Settings include a bookshop run by one of the women, and a bar run by one of the men... some of this comes from my own teenage years growing up in the area.

IDEA FOUR: this is a weird one... something I will definitely explore as fiction at some point, but may need to think about some more. Based on a very realistic dream that I recorded about a decade ago, that felt like a story. A woman in her early 30s, at a business retreat, should have been unconscious but wasn't when the area was investigated by (not sure, aliens? people with special powers? government agents doing an experiment?... all a bit unclear). On discovering her conscious and aware, one of the group (a man of around the same age) takes her with him... and there are various scenes, that indicated that she'd been drugged or brainwashed into not remembering what happened, but at the same time had some deep connection to this man that played out in dreams as she went on to live her life. Told in an alternating POV or possible alternating chapters.

IDEA FIVE: this is the story I've got furthest along with... based on a series of short stories I wrote several years ago... about a relationship between a couple and their exploration of a sexual wishlist... this would be considered erotica in it's present form, I guess. Not hardcore, but relatively frank in its subject matter. Rhian has read one of these stories already, there are probably about 4 or 5 more... would just need some work to write the surrounding story around them to create a cohesive structure.

To be honest, it's idea one I've had the most fun thinking about in the last little while... it's genesis was a similar story about quilt shop owner and her buddies and the dating thing, except in the original story all her dates were being attacked and the slightly pompous guy was the policeman investigating these incidents. Wrote about 10 or so pages, before I decided I didn't really enjoy writing that involved inflicting harm on someone so dropped it, and have been working through alternating scenarios ever since.

So which one would you read? Why?

My wish isn't to mean everything to everyone but something to someone... unknown

I've been studying the tarot now for about 4 years, but will often ask my teacher to do a reading for me, either when I have a concern about something and I want some guidance, or just as a bit of a check about what's around me and whats ahead.

I had a reading last week... not that there is anything wrong at present, just wanting a bit of a barometer check, life is good and I wanted to see if that would be reflected in the reading (which it was!)

I'll write about the reading in more detail at another time but as usual the question of relationships and romance came up, and as usual, I was told there was someone out there for me, but the universe wasn't going to send him, until I was ready...

HEAH, I'm ready! Really, truly, ready!

Impatiently, and a bit antsy, and really, really frustratingly ready!

And then, as usual, I read the weekly postings on Post Secrets. There is something immensely powerful about viewing and reading these images and words, knowing there are people behind these stories of joy and pain and loss and loneliness. There is usually something that resonates strongly with me, and this week there was this...

I keep thinking back to that silly Fortune Cookie Generator - better to have lost a lover than have loved a loser... and I think never again... happy to have relationships end, because they need to end... but...

I realised I am ready, truly ready, for the first time in my life, because for the first time in my life, I believe that I am a weird, amazing, remarkable woman... and it's ok for me to be weird, amazing and remarkable... and he, whoever he is, will come along when he is ready... and I'm happy to wait...

There might be a bit of antsy, toe-tapping, scanning the horizon, mumbling under my breath, hurry up already's in my future... but that's ok... need to stay vigilant, so I can recognise him when he comes...

"In the silence of night I have often wished for just a few words of love from
one man, rather than the applause of thousands of people"...Judy Garland

Meditative Musings #2... The High Priestess...

I've been reading back through my Meditation/ Tarot Group journal, looking at some of the meditations and the themes underlying them. Some weeks my journal simply records my observations of the card, and other notes on how successfully I meditated. In other instances there are characters that I'd like to try to tie together into some form of narrative, as it seems they are the same people, being represented at different stages. I'm going to try to flesh some of this out here over time, not in any linear fashion, just picking things at random...

The Lady of the Lake (Arthurian Tarot)... The High Priestess in the Tarot can represent knowledge (particularly esoteric), enlightenment, inspiration, wisdom, learning, counsel, physic healing. She is the virgin goddess, the moon daughter...she can be an enlightened but chaste woman or a mysterious woman, a femme fatale...she can also represent the need for solitude, seclusion and meditation.

I've always been drawn to this card, and strongly identify with her even though I also strongly identify with the other feminine Archetype, the Empress at times. My inner conflict between Aphrodite and Persephone...

My Meditation Journal - June 16th 2005... In the card itself, the trees stood out initially ... I've been having regular meditations and dreams about trees...the trees in this card are very similar to the trees in my dreams.

I have been having weird and strange dreams for quite sometime now, but I do not have a clear recollection of the dreams contents, just a sense of unease and feeling unfulfilled on waking. Most involve some element of searching for something. I have slept a lot lately, needing to escape into dreams and I feel like I am often in a half awake/ half asleep state.

Other things that drew me to this particular card... the soft blue/ greys, the sense of roundness in the oval arch and curve created by the canopy of trees.

While I noticed the sword, it wasn't as important to me as the open book... always the High Priestess prompts me to think about study, studiousness, contemplation and looking inner.

In my life at present there is a recurring theme of connections, circles looping back over each other. A sense of repetitiveness but also one of newness.

There are constant reminders of my father. Echoes of my relationship with him with others. TV, movies, music and books are all reminding me of him and my relationship with him, both the good and bad.

I'm feeling a bit old - that there are experiences that I haven't had that have passed me by.

I'm very tired and it's almost like I feel defenseless. That it would be easy to be overtaken by other people's wants and needs. Possibly that's why I've been spending so much time on my own - as if I can't cope with the noise of others.

I'm veiling my feelings in some ways by withdrawing. But at the same time instead of putting on a happy face and allowing others to impose their will...I'm walking away.

Some would say I'm being passive about my needs but it's more that I'm unclear about what my needs are. Instead of putting others first I'm asserting myself but in a passive way.

I'm almost obsessively craving privacy... I have been for most of the year... I want to be alone!

I have a strong sense that I have led a solitary existence before,
this being alone is not the first time for me, nor will it be the last.

Now... well, my first impressions would be that nothing much has changed... though I don't think that is really true. I have certainly been spending significant periods of time on my own... through choice... I think those around me are starting to realise how necessary it is for me to be alone.

In the almost two years since I had wrote the above, I have grown and have learnt a great deal about myself and the boundaries I place around myself. While I am a very outgoing and social creature, I am still very much a loner... so the High Priestess/ Empress conflict still exists, but I find myself more comfortable with myself in that regard. It does not have to be an either/or, I can be, and am both those archetypes... and need both elements of the feminine to be happy.

Now, if I could only find myself a man who is a combination Magician/Hermit who will understand the duality of my character, I'd be content... of course, to find him, means I probably should get out of the house more...

When the Moon is in the seventh house...

Sigh.... I'm saying 'nuffin!

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Meditative Musings #1... The Fool...

I have been part of a meditation group that has met for over 2 years that has used the Tarot as a starting point for guided meditations, which we then journal. The format has changed over time, originally we focused on the 22 Major Arcana cards, and then moved on to do the same with each of the 56 Minor Arcana cards, we are almost finished, with only 6 or so cards remaining.

I've been reading back through my journal, looking at some of the meditations and the themes underlying them. Some weeks my journal simply records my observations of the card, and other notes on how successfully I meditated. In other instances there are characters that I'd like to try to tie together into some form of narrative, as it seems they are the same people, being represented at different stages.

I'm going to try to flesh some of this out here over time, not in any linear fashion, just picking things at random...

The Fool... (Little Red Cap/Little Red Riding Hood - Inner Child Deck) - May 19th 2005

Traditional meaning of The Fool (0) Card - the card of infinite possibilities. A fool's journey, or a journey of new beginnings. Being prepared to take a leap of faith, but can also be a card of warning, stop daydreaming and fantasizing and watch your step.

My notes then ... wandering blithely through the forest... unaware of danger lurking or unconcerned... innocent...

Very attracted to the colours, the red butterfly, wanting the energy of the red but the calm of the green.

I want to walk through the arch and start the journey... don't care where I'm going as long as I don't stay here!

This reminds me of a physic about 6 years ago telling me that I was like Little Red Riding Hood, wandering through the forest, being distracted and diverting off the path instead of going straight down the road to where I'm going. And then I complain, because I meet the Big Bad Wolf, but if I'd stayed on the path where I belonged, I'd be safe.

I know where I'm going, the destination isn't important,
but the journey and what happens along the way is!

My meditation... I was standing, waiting, leaning against a tree, almost like I was part of the tree. I was looking into the distance, with cliffs on my right, the sea directly in front of me with a boat waiting for me. The water was calm, the day bright and clear, with white fluffy clouds overhead. The forest around the tree was so green, lush with vegetation. There was a message... be prepared, ready to go, ready to leave something behind.

Now... the meditation itself seems pretty meaningless now, but almost two years later, some of the things I thought about then are still circling around.

There was too much going on back then, too much of the boomerang relationship with Angus the Folly, dealing with the loss of my Dad, problems with family and work for me to be prepared to wholeheartedly embrace the idea of new beginnings.

But having let go of the past, I finally feel like I'm ready to move on, and have felt like this since mid last year, but never more so than now. I've never been into skipping ahead to the end of a book, it's the reading and the unfolding of the story that is most important to me.

The same is true in regards to my life in general, don't care were it's heading, as long as it's moving...

Is it just a coincidence that for the combined birthday party being planned for NPNP and I that I want to go as Red Riding Hood? Almost from the day we decided on the theme, that is what I wanted to be. Have already bought myself a Red Cape in preparation for it.

I know the original story had strong sexual overtones as did others (it wasn't a 'kiss' that finally woke up Sleeping Beauty) and I've been joking with friends about wanting to meet the Big Bad Wolf.

So.. Wolfy... wherever you are... hurry up and get your skates on... there's a not so little Red Cap stamping her foot delicately on the ground, waiting to be tempted and to tempt you...

Birthday +'s and -'s

I still haven't written about my birthday weekend!

Probably cause I've got mixed feelings about it... I had a lovely weekend, much better and busier than I had planned or expected it to be... but at the same time a sense of melancholy running through it... while I wouldn't have changed any of it, there's a part of me that wonders if I might not have been better off spending the weekend at home in my pj's like I had originally planned...

Turning 46 seems incredible really... it was only yesterday that I was that girl in the photo on the left... can remember the day it was taken at kindergarten. Apparently I followed the photographer around all day, and posed for him every time he turned around. When the proofs came back, there were 3 photos of me for every 1 of everyone else. Gee... it's a bit different now... I can't stand having my photo taken...

Positive things about my birthday:

Catch up with friends for Choir of Hard Knocks gala concert and decision to join the Melbourne Millennium Chorus - and finally get the chance to sing, loudly... in public...

Mad Splurge of retail therapy - buying tops, and shoes, and red lipstick and 3 new pair of pj's - considering how much time I've been spending in my pj's, they were the most exciting purchase...

Being serenaded with Happy Birthday's over the phone from not only FBG and Miss La De Da but also from Peter Rabbit... which was a delightful surprise, as he admits to not remembering birthdays and hating singing...

Tarot Reading - which was interesting, telling me about the year ahead... which will be one of extremes by the sound of it... lots of good things and more likely followed by lots of not so good things... though she said that's probably been happening for awhile and I agreed... the Moon is the prevailing influence, which means I'm going to wax and wane a bit... and probably continue to vacillate between mad outbursts of activity and almost total seclusion... though she said there are boys coming... not 1, not 2, but 3 of them...

Lunch with FBG and her Fish-a-man on Sunday... and had a lovely time catching up... she looks so much happier than she was this time last year... though my missing the turn-off had me almost to Philip Island...and then dinner and a catch up with Miss La De Da and her man...and a lazy day of chatting with NPNP over mediocre fish 'n chips but excellent chocolate...

Angus the Folly did not send me a Happy Birthday message... which means I think that chapter is well and truly over...

Being OK about that chapter being well and truly over...

Negative things about my birthday:

Sister's phone call to ask if I was doing anything for my birthday, cause if I wasn't she wouldn't need to buy me a present! She then kindly offered to come over for coffee if I'd like to buy a cake and I very kindly declined her offer...

Upsetting my Mum, with my moods and 'hermit' behaviour, who mailed by birthday card to me (she lives 5 minutes away) and then left a 'as I don't know when I'll see you next I'm just ringing to wish you a Happy Birthday" message on my machine. I didn't know this, when I rang her to say, could I call in the following afternoon. And when I asked would she like me to bring some afternoon tea (something I normally do, if I call in on Saturday afternoons) she said, not particularly, unless you want to. I decided not to buy anything...

Fish-a-man's friend that I got dressed up for on the off chance that he might be there, as he'd an expressed an interest in meeting me, did not show...

Tarot Teacher could not provide any more detail other than the following about the not 1, not 2 but 3 boys who might be coming... one is a Fire sign (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) and will require me to have the Patience of Job if I want the relationship to progress - apparently I can't push the river@@... one is an Air sign (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) and will be a meeting of the minds, he will encourage me in some endeavour, possibly a new job... the other is an Earth sign (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) and she was vague but said I should pay attention ##

My pledge to have lots of sex with a man I like a lot before my 46th birthday went unfulfilled... probably cause I can't remember the last time I met a man I liked a lot enough to want to have sex with him...

The realisation that at 46 it's now unlikely, if not impossible, that I will ever have a child of my own... probably cause I can't remember the last time I met a man I liked a lot enough to want to have sex with him...


## If you're a Water sign (Pisces, Scorpio Cancer) - bad luck! And bad luck to me, by her reckoning I should be paying attention to 9/12ths of the male population...

@@ Not pushing the river, may very well mean I won't have lots of sex with a man I like a lot until I'm 50

To All the Girls I've Loved Before...

For helping me to grow
I owe a lot I know
For all the girls I've loved before...(Willie Nelson)

I'm feeling very indulgent...I've just come home from my weekly meditation class and over the last few weeks I've been reminded of the number of extraordinary women in my life and how blessed I am to have them.

As it's St Valentine's day this week, this is a Valentine to all those gorgeous girls out there (in no particular order), who not only allow me to be myself, but actively encourage me.

Miss La De Da - what is it that they say... you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family! Well, MLDD is a family member I chose as a friend. Growing up we didn't see each other often, but when we did, usually much mayhem ensued, particularly when we choreographed outrageous dance routines and performed them for our family. She's allowed me to find the inner Miss Frou Frou that lives inside us all. And been there through the most amazing times... laughing at each other while I do my pathetic version of the shimmy, tap dancing badly on stage dressed as a cow... holding my hand while I got my first tattoo... helping shop for things for my very first home... and through those first tentative moments of being in love and the heartache and heartbreak when he choses someone else.

And more recently, the Giggle Girl... Miss La De Da's sister. I introduced her to her husband, though she doesn't hold that against me... this beautiful woman, is shy, and funny and loving and has a giggle that just melts your heart.

She's christened herself loveulongtime here... but what she is, is a wonderful friend. Sixteen years ago, she wandered into my workplace to interview for a job, and we started to chat, and I feel in love... I can remember sharing a secret with her that I hadn't told a soul one morning eating cold pizza and birthday cake for breakfast (as you do) and having her hug me and say it was ok. She talks even more than I do, and listens like nobody else I know... and made me cry recently when she told me if she'd been a bloke we would have been married 15 years ago. There have been times when for various reasons we haven't connected for awhile, but each time is just a continuation of the last and I can't emphasis enough how much I value her friendship.

The Groove Train Gang... it's funny the connections you make in a workplace. This group of 5, ranging in age from 25 to 45, have established a friendship that surprises and delights me on a regular basis. While we all interact with one another individually in different ways now that we no longer all work together, once every two months or so, we manage to coordinate ourselves into a dinner at Groove Train at Melbourne Central that has to be seen to be believed. Our conversations are absurd... and most recently have included:

• why it is that Catholics are the only faith that make reference to being non-practising, which lead to our giving each other our own non-practising names i.e. one of us is a non-practising nice person, another recently has declared that she is a non-practising introvert whereas I faciliated between being a non-practising skinny girl and being a non-practising heterosexual - which still has them shaking their heads (I understand exactly what I meant!)

• how hosting a costume party with the theme Once Upon A Time... Fairytales, Fantasy and Myths is the only legitimate excuse for hiring a Jumping Castle for an adult party

• The merits of hundreds and thousands as opposed to sprinkles on fairy bread

• And why I want to be Little Red Riding Hood**

The PW's are another group of former work colleagues, who for over a decade have met a couple of times a year, with the odd 'dick free' weekend thrown in. I've seen some of them have their babies and watched them grow in to amazing kids, and have enjoyed the delight of their partners on the odd occasions that they've come along to what they refer to as 'secret women's get togethers'. Just a casual arrangement of brunches and dinners, where sometimes we all make it, and sometimes we don't, but are just as precious as the most elaborately planned affairs.

The Monday Meditation Mob are the most extraordinary group of women. We have nothing in common, except an interest in exploring the world and our place in it through guided meditation. A diverse group of six who have meet each week during the school term now for over 2 years. This group of women have provided a sanctuary of peace and acceptance. At the head of the group, is our teacher, a guide, a mentor, a friend - who opens up her home to us and allows us to truly be ourselves. I am so lucky to have found you all.

And there are others:

• Jappa - who has offered to knit me a bloke!
  
• Moon Girl - a very new friend who makes me laugh and has given me courage and support while I settle into a new job
• The Bookworm - my oldest friend - we've known each other since preppies - she introduced me to the joys of cross-stitch and mills and boons... and had the happy knack of being invisible and able to eavesdrop on the boys in high school when they were talking about us, until she'd give herself away when she laughed
  

**
GTG: Why do you want to be Little Red Riding Hood?

MFF: Cause I want to meet the Big Bad Wolf

GTG: But the Big Bad Wolf ate her?

MFF: I know!!!!

GTG: Oh.OH.. that's dirty as....

Much hilarity ensues....