Things I have learned... in no particular order of importance...

• Drooling and dribbling and sighing 'oh my god, look at the size of his hands' is probably not the most appropriate response when being introduced to the very cute, but very young (28) new guy at work...

• I am not much of a team player... I love working as part of a team, as long as no-one else is doing MY job...

• I do not delegate well...

• Working 10-12 hours days for 3 weeks in a row in order to have a week off kinda defeats the purpose of having a holiday...

• Particularly when you then go back to working 10-12 hour days on your return...
  

• Telling men that you need to mother-proof your house prior to a visit has them thinking of p0rn and a drawerful of goodies... and their eyes glaze over...

• As does telling them that you are going on a d1ck-free weekend with your girlfriends...
  

• Having slightly hairy legs on a girls away weekend is probably better than attempting to shave said legs at midnight in the bathtub when you've spent the previous 48 hours doped up to the gills due to back spasm...

• Legs bleed a lot...

• Starting belly dancing lessons is probably not the smartest thing to do when you are in the middle of a full blown fibromyalgia episode...

• People think it's funny that the one body part that gets injured after belly dancing lesson number one is your ANKLE...

• Keeping quiet about the boobage and bum cramp after your first belly dancing lesson is probably not a bad thing...

• Men, want to talk to me and feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings with me, which is lovely...

• Feeling comfortable enough to shut up and just jump my bones on occasion would be even lovelier...

• Despite the fact that I often make reference to being a little fat girl, and my humour is self-deprecating, I actually like myself, a lot...

• Which is probably just as well, as it becomes clearer every day that my world and the rest of the planet are often slightly out of kilter and it's likely to be a long while before a lovely man tells me to shut up and jumps my bones...

• Just as well I'm an optimist... someday my prince will come... sigh!

Sorry... you know what they say... if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all... well... that's why I've been so quiet...

Holy crap, you talk about sex a lot...

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

* sex (19x)
* crap (2x)
* penis (1x)

Not going to use that other word - it's wwwude...

See I really couldn't sing, I could never really sing, what I couldn't do was... sing!

Today was first choir rehearsals, and I'm reminded of a conversation with a friend awhile back.

Frou Frou: Singing and dancing are like sex, you don't need to be good at it, to enjoy yourself.

Him: Yes, but the worse you are, the harder it is for others to enjoy themselves.

After today, all I can say is I MUST BE A DUD SHAG! Wildly enthusiastic, just 3 beats behind, sigh...

Seriously, had the bestest time, am still never going to be comfortable singing solo, I managed to hold my own in the group situation. Only difficult bit is a series of oh oh ah, oh oh ah, oh ahs, that reminded me of funk tap and my cross-eyed struggle to maintain the rhythm ... I was oh ahing when everyone else was oh ohing, and only got worse when the Choir Leader tried to help me.

Thursday Thirteen #7... the 13 Wants of V...

There are only two tragedies in life:
one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it
Oscar Wilde

Well, I've played the "What Does V... need?" game, as have lots of others... but I was curious to see "What Does V... Want?" To play along, simply type "(your name) wants" into Google's search engine and be amazed, astonished and astounded...so without further ado, Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you the 13 Wants of V...

One: V... wants to be fatally gorgeous... aren't I already?

Two: V... wants to be a duck... been there, done that... and have the feathered arse to prove it... A fatally gorgeous duck I was too... tap dancing on stage to Singing in the Rain... and no, you can't see the photos.

Three: V... wants to do gospel. She is the only person who can sing the telephone book in Swahili and make it sound good! ... um, yeah right, but I'll soon be able to tell you, as I start rehearsals next week for the Melbourne Millennium Chorus, and am fully expecting them to look at me kindly, while they offer me a full refund and show me politely to the door...

Four: V... wants to be great and to receive the love and applause of an adoring audience... singing quietly... I have confidence, in confidence alone... besides which you see, I have confidence in me... oh crap!

Five: V... wants to go out tomorrow night ... yeah, she does, and she is, have been invited to go eat Spanish food with some lovely lads and lassies from work ... (I know that sounds funny, scottish folk eating spanish food.. but I kid you not I am going to a Scots pub famous for its paella and sangria!)

Six: V... wants to write now... well, actually not right now, maybe later... am so tired... (oh, I've used that line before... but it was when someone asked for something else!)

Seven: V... wants to sleep now... see I told you...

Eight: V... wants to spend every day as if there was no tomorrow. Although Vikki may seem immature and childish she in fact is very wise, intelligent and caring... couldn't resist adding the following sentence... see, I iz all grown up, so pfft!

Nine: V... wants some men with big feet... well you know what they say about big feet! All the better to help me with item eleven! Though the plural men has got me worried... truly, just one man would do...

Ten: V... wants a hero to idolize and adore, someone to wholeheartedly admire and be proud of... with really, really big feet!

Eleven: V... wants risky sex... I think that means the sex where her mum says "I'm just going to get some milk" and you have to have REALLY fast sex on the kitchen table before she gets back... I swear, that was the actual following sentence... sex, sex, it all comes down to sex ...

Twelve: V... wants it all - love, sex, art, sex, life, passion, - all that plus the butterflies in the stomach feeling of a new romance! ... who me? Well, if you insist...

And finally... to end on a serious and cultured note:

Thirteen: V... wants her name changed to Tricksy McF@#ckalot ... I am speechless...

Meditative Musings #1... The Fool...

I have been part of a meditation group that has met for over 2 years that has used the Tarot as a starting point for guided meditations, which we then journal. The format has changed over time, originally we focused on the 22 Major Arcana cards, and then moved on to do the same with each of the 56 Minor Arcana cards, we are almost finished, with only 6 or so cards remaining.

I've been reading back through my journal, looking at some of the meditations and the themes underlying them. Some weeks my journal simply records my observations of the card, and other notes on how successfully I meditated. In other instances there are characters that I'd like to try to tie together into some form of narrative, as it seems they are the same people, being represented at different stages.

I'm going to try to flesh some of this out here over time, not in any linear fashion, just picking things at random...

The Fool... (Little Red Cap/Little Red Riding Hood - Inner Child Deck) - May 19th 2005

Traditional meaning of The Fool (0) Card - the card of infinite possibilities. A fool's journey, or a journey of new beginnings. Being prepared to take a leap of faith, but can also be a card of warning, stop daydreaming and fantasizing and watch your step.

My notes then ... wandering blithely through the forest... unaware of danger lurking or unconcerned... innocent...

Very attracted to the colours, the red butterfly, wanting the energy of the red but the calm of the green.

I want to walk through the arch and start the journey... don't care where I'm going as long as I don't stay here!

This reminds me of a physic about 6 years ago telling me that I was like Little Red Riding Hood, wandering through the forest, being distracted and diverting off the path instead of going straight down the road to where I'm going. And then I complain, because I meet the Big Bad Wolf, but if I'd stayed on the path where I belonged, I'd be safe.

I know where I'm going, the destination isn't important,
but the journey and what happens along the way is!

My meditation... I was standing, waiting, leaning against a tree, almost like I was part of the tree. I was looking into the distance, with cliffs on my right, the sea directly in front of me with a boat waiting for me. The water was calm, the day bright and clear, with white fluffy clouds overhead. The forest around the tree was so green, lush with vegetation. There was a message... be prepared, ready to go, ready to leave something behind.

Now... the meditation itself seems pretty meaningless now, but almost two years later, some of the things I thought about then are still circling around.

There was too much going on back then, too much of the boomerang relationship with Angus the Folly, dealing with the loss of my Dad, problems with family and work for me to be prepared to wholeheartedly embrace the idea of new beginnings.

But having let go of the past, I finally feel like I'm ready to move on, and have felt like this since mid last year, but never more so than now. I've never been into skipping ahead to the end of a book, it's the reading and the unfolding of the story that is most important to me.

The same is true in regards to my life in general, don't care were it's heading, as long as it's moving...

Is it just a coincidence that for the combined birthday party being planned for NPNP and I that I want to go as Red Riding Hood? Almost from the day we decided on the theme, that is what I wanted to be. Have already bought myself a Red Cape in preparation for it.

I know the original story had strong sexual overtones as did others (it wasn't a 'kiss' that finally woke up Sleeping Beauty) and I've been joking with friends about wanting to meet the Big Bad Wolf.

So.. Wolfy... wherever you are... hurry up and get your skates on... there's a not so little Red Cap stamping her foot delicately on the ground, waiting to be tempted and to tempt you...

Quotes I Live My Life By...

"I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after" - Chick (I have no idea who this is)

"Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle" - Lewis Carroll

"Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try" - Theodor Geisel, Dr. Seuss

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then" - Katherine Hepburn

"No man is sane who does not know how to be insane on proper occasions" - Henry Ward Beecher

"I love people, I love my family... but inside myself is a place where I live alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up" - Pearl S. Buck

"She is too fond of books, it has turned her brain" - Louisa May Alcott

"Love doesn't make the world go 'round, loves what makes the ride worthwhile" - Franklin P. Jones

"If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle" - Rita Mae Brown

"Reality leaves a lot to the imagination" - John Lennon

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats" - Albert Schweitzer

"Remember to always be yourself, unless you suck..." - Josh Whedon

"Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, work when people are watching" - Scott Adams

"I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional but you can't have everything" - The Purple Rose of Cairo/Woody Allen

"Here's all you have to know about men and women. Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy, is because men are stupid" - George Carlin

"Age is something that doesn't matter - unless you are a cheese" - Billie Burke

"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it" - Dorothy Parker

Birthday +'s and -'s

I still haven't written about my birthday weekend!

Probably cause I've got mixed feelings about it... I had a lovely weekend, much better and busier than I had planned or expected it to be... but at the same time a sense of melancholy running through it... while I wouldn't have changed any of it, there's a part of me that wonders if I might not have been better off spending the weekend at home in my pj's like I had originally planned...

Turning 46 seems incredible really... it was only yesterday that I was that girl in the photo on the left... can remember the day it was taken at kindergarten. Apparently I followed the photographer around all day, and posed for him every time he turned around. When the proofs came back, there were 3 photos of me for every 1 of everyone else. Gee... it's a bit different now... I can't stand having my photo taken...

Positive things about my birthday:

Catch up with friends for Choir of Hard Knocks gala concert and decision to join the Melbourne Millennium Chorus - and finally get the chance to sing, loudly... in public...

Mad Splurge of retail therapy - buying tops, and shoes, and red lipstick and 3 new pair of pj's - considering how much time I've been spending in my pj's, they were the most exciting purchase...

Being serenaded with Happy Birthday's over the phone from not only FBG and Miss La De Da but also from Peter Rabbit... which was a delightful surprise, as he admits to not remembering birthdays and hating singing...

Tarot Reading - which was interesting, telling me about the year ahead... which will be one of extremes by the sound of it... lots of good things and more likely followed by lots of not so good things... though she said that's probably been happening for awhile and I agreed... the Moon is the prevailing influence, which means I'm going to wax and wane a bit... and probably continue to vacillate between mad outbursts of activity and almost total seclusion... though she said there are boys coming... not 1, not 2, but 3 of them...

Lunch with FBG and her Fish-a-man on Sunday... and had a lovely time catching up... she looks so much happier than she was this time last year... though my missing the turn-off had me almost to Philip Island...and then dinner and a catch up with Miss La De Da and her man...and a lazy day of chatting with NPNP over mediocre fish 'n chips but excellent chocolate...

Angus the Folly did not send me a Happy Birthday message... which means I think that chapter is well and truly over...

Being OK about that chapter being well and truly over...

Negative things about my birthday:

Sister's phone call to ask if I was doing anything for my birthday, cause if I wasn't she wouldn't need to buy me a present! She then kindly offered to come over for coffee if I'd like to buy a cake and I very kindly declined her offer...

Upsetting my Mum, with my moods and 'hermit' behaviour, who mailed by birthday card to me (she lives 5 minutes away) and then left a 'as I don't know when I'll see you next I'm just ringing to wish you a Happy Birthday" message on my machine. I didn't know this, when I rang her to say, could I call in the following afternoon. And when I asked would she like me to bring some afternoon tea (something I normally do, if I call in on Saturday afternoons) she said, not particularly, unless you want to. I decided not to buy anything...

Fish-a-man's friend that I got dressed up for on the off chance that he might be there, as he'd an expressed an interest in meeting me, did not show...

Tarot Teacher could not provide any more detail other than the following about the not 1, not 2 but 3 boys who might be coming... one is a Fire sign (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) and will require me to have the Patience of Job if I want the relationship to progress - apparently I can't push the river@@... one is an Air sign (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) and will be a meeting of the minds, he will encourage me in some endeavour, possibly a new job... the other is an Earth sign (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) and she was vague but said I should pay attention ##

My pledge to have lots of sex with a man I like a lot before my 46th birthday went unfulfilled... probably cause I can't remember the last time I met a man I liked a lot enough to want to have sex with him...

The realisation that at 46 it's now unlikely, if not impossible, that I will ever have a child of my own... probably cause I can't remember the last time I met a man I liked a lot enough to want to have sex with him...


## If you're a Water sign (Pisces, Scorpio Cancer) - bad luck! And bad luck to me, by her reckoning I should be paying attention to 9/12ths of the male population...

@@ Not pushing the river, may very well mean I won't have lots of sex with a man I like a lot until I'm 50