I hope I never....

As I've been a bit of a slack-arse with both posting and keeping up to date with friends blogs I didn't realise that Karina had tagged me to do a meme and tell you 5 things about me I've never told before. Karina put a great spin on her meme and revealed 5 things she's never done... so I'm going to do the same but with a twist 5 things I hope never to do... or never to do again!

One: Work early morning shifts
My ideal job would be a job that started at midday... actually last week I did a couple of days where I worked till 8.00pm... it was bliss. Even though I started work at my normal time, I got so much work done between 4.00-8.00pm I am seriously thinking of asking if I can change my hours so that I work till 7.30pm (at least during the summer and daylight savings). Can't work till 8.00pm as I discovered last week at exactly 8.00pm the alarm activates... frightened me half to death...

Gone are the days where I will willing start work at 7.00am (unless I can work in my pj's!)

Two: Stand on the observation deck of any high rise building
I've discovered it's not heights I'm afraid of so much... it's falling. I can look out the window of a plane, can even stand at a lookout and look off into the distance... just don't ask me to look down! Famous at a previous workplace for going green at the gills and almost fainting when the electrician climbed over a guardrail and balanced precariously while trying to change a light globe. Equally as famous for refusing to walk into a training room with floor to ceiling windows in the high-rise Rialto building and then collapsing in a shaking heap when the trainer tried to reassure me by pressing his entire body against the glass.

I think in a previous life I was the virginal maiden sacrificed to the gods by being chucked into a volcano!

Three: Go to see the Monster Trucks, Car Racing, Motorbike Grand Prix et al.
I knew it was luuurv with Boomerang Boy when I agreed to go to the Monster Trucks with him one night instead of going for a walk to see the Christmas Lights along the Boulevard... sigh...

To make matters worse... he then proceeded to spend the rest of the night roaming around with his best buddy, turns out I was invited along to keep his mate's heavily pregnant girlfriend company so the boys could go watch their toys and dream....

Three: Internet Dating (those Lonesome Losers websites)
Conversation with the Nature Boy today about the ridiculous real estate prices at present that went off on a typically strange (for us) tangent:

MFF: I will probably rent for the rest of my life as I won't be able to afford to buy a house.
NB: Yes, you will.
MFF: Only if I find a man who wants to keep me in the style I wish to be accustomed to!
NB: Well, that'll happen too!
MFF: Do you think so?
NB: Yes!
MFF: I don't think that's very likely... in order to meet someone you actually need to leave the house!
NB: Well, eventually... but you could meet him and get to know him online
MFF (shaking her head furiously): Seriously... no way... the last guy I met online told me he had to leave early even before I got my coat off... and then ended up staying around for 3 hours, paying for my dinner, telling me he had a great time and would like to see me again and then a week later ringing me and saying he would like to stay in touch but he was pursuing other options and by the way he had found himself strangely aroused by me, had I been trying to arouse him and had I been aroused too!
NB (laughing): That is kind of weird...
MFF: That's the thing, he seemed so normal too... I think it's me... I bring out the odd in people
NB: Yeah, I can relate to that... (laughing)

Five: Go camping...
Back in the day when I advertised in the personals, probably a good 80% of the men who responded to my advert after telling me their name and occupation and the suburb they lived in told me they liked going camping! There was one memorable guy in his voicemail who said in a fairly decent Sylvester Stallone/Rocky Balboa voice 'Ummm... I like going fishin' and campin'... and ummm... walks on the beach, and ummm going to the movies, but I 'specially like fishin' and campin'...'

Before anyone yells at me... I realise that there are lots of people who like camping, including some females... but not this little fat duck! My idea of roughing it is a 3 star motel! And I once told Peter Rabbit that I really liked the great outdoors... as I watched it out the window on my way to the bed and breakfast!

I also told him earlier in the year, when he suggested that cuddling up in a sleeping bag was romantic, that I wasn't adverse to sharing a sleeping bag, or a tent for that matter... the man of my dreams will pitch that tent in the middle of the living room or better yet the penthouse at the Hyatt.

Thursday Thirteen #10... Me, Myself and I...

This is my 100th post, and for my 100th post I wanted to do the 100 things about me, but it so happens it's also Thursday 13, so I've fudged a bit (I am nothing, if not creative!) and come up with 13 categories, that include 100 things about me...

ONE: WE ARE FAMILY...
1. I am the middle child of three with a younger sister and an older brother

2. I am 11 months younger than my brother, and 15 months older than my sister

3. Yes, this meant my mother was almost permanently pregnant for 3 years

4. My mother met my father when she was 8 and he was 11, when her sister married his brother, though she doesn't remember him being around much till around her 17th birthday

5. My parents were married at 19 and 22, with a ready made family by the time my mother was 23

6. My parents divorced when I was 23

7. My sister is the only one of us kids to have married, she met her future husband at 17, married him at 20, had 2 children by the time she was 25 and was divorced at 33 - she almost replicated my mother's life...

8. My father died 4 years ago unexpectedly, from the complications from a cold... which is odd, considering he'd survived multiple suicide attempts, tuberculosis, hepatitis, liver and bowel cancer, alcoholism, a broken hip and 3 major surgeries to relieve pressure on his brain.

9. I had divorced him... breaking off all contact with him after he'd asked to be left the f@#k alone, 18 months prior to his death...

TWO: YOU MUST HAVE BEEN A BEAUTIFUL BABY...
10. I was born on a Friday, and Mum chopped a load of firewood, left my brother with a neighbour and took herself off to the hospital in a taxi on her own. She didn't have a visitor until the following afternoon

11. I was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck and was taken out of the delivery room and my mother didn't see me again until 5 hours later... she thought I had died!

12. My Dad didn't see me for almost 3 days, as he'd gone on a bender with his mates and didn't come home till Sunday, to an empty house and a note on the door to tell him where Mum was

13. I was allergic to my mother's breast milk... as well as most types of formula

14. At 6 weeks old my mother propped me up in my high chair, surrounded by pillows with pantyhose tied around my waist to hold me in, as I screamed blue murder if they tried to place me in another room... I needed to be where all the action was... nothing much has changed

15. I walked at 10 months, long before my almost 2 year old brother... he only walked because I used to steal his toys from him

16. I never talked baby talk, going from silence to full words... and I haven't stopped talking since

17. I had a mop of blond curls, blue eyes and dimples... and by all accounts was a pretty, happy baby... smiling more often then crying...

THREE: YOUNG AT HEART...
18. I went almost 12 months eating nothing but plain boiled rice and spaghetti and baked beans... I still love all three...

19. Watching a TV program where a man stuffed cotton wool in his cheeks and up his nose to disguise himself, I attempted to do the same... but instead used the beads from a broken necklace of my mothers... and managed to have one bead lodge at the top of my nose, close to my eye, that had to be extracted by a doctor

20. At 3, I dressed up in my mother's hat and gloves and an old handbag, and told her I was off to the doctor. She went along with me, and only realising after an hour of quiet that I had actually learnt how to unlatch the front door and had disappeared. We lived in a street that backed on to Ripponlea Mansion and the back gates and had been left open, so a search party was established, fearing if I'd wondered into the grounds I might be lost for days. Instead, I'd walked up to the main road and had walked across the pedestrian crossing. A driver starting off from what he thought was a clear crossing, felt a slight bump and got out to find me on the ground in front of his wheels.

21. I won the Kindergarten fancy dress competition, dressed as Mavis Bramston, in a black chiffon shirt, a black wig, Jacqui O sunglasses, and a cigarette holder... I won a picture book of The Three Little Pigs.. I was 4

22. I used to wet my pants... not because of some nervous affliction, nor because of any medical condition... I just used to get engrossed in some activity and forget to go to the toilet until it was too late and then I'd have an accident... don't pee my pants anymore, but I often forget to eat and drink because I'm concentrating on some fancy

23. My mother always knew when I had pee'd my pants as I would take them off and put them in the laundry hamper, wherever we happened to be, and go bare-assed for the rest of the day

24. I had an imaginary pony, called Tony! He lived under the kitchen table and ate pretend carrots...

25. An aunt trying to coax us into bed one Christmas Eve took us to the window to tell us if Santa came and we were still awake he wouldn't leave presents. What must have been the tail-lights of a plane had us convinced it was Santa and Rudolf... so we scurried into bed, but I stayed awake peering through my lashes for half the night, not wanting to miss seeing Santa come down the chimney... but we didn't have a chimney...

FOUR: STORY OF A GIRL...
26. I could add, subtract and multiply double digits before starting school, because my uncle set me homework every time he came to visit, but interestingly enough, I couldn't read before I started school

27. I made up for that with a vengeance, by reading the entire 1st year reading material before the end of 1st term, and then the 2nd year material by midway through the year. My teacher encouraged my mother to get me a library card!

28. My mother talks about me coming home from my first day at school most indignant, as only the children who cried got sweets, whereas those of us who were brave were not rewarded at all... my sense of justice was well and truly in force already

29. I was one of those nerdy kids who loved school... I used to cry if I couldn't go.

30. I was a clever clod, but also very friendly, so apart from being pushed down the stairs by a boy in my final year of primary school because I won a student scholarship, I managed to straddle the divide of popular and nerd reasonably well

31. My mother allowed us to be exposed to a variety of religious experiences, we went on Methodist picnics and to Greek Orthodox Sunday School

32. My father, on the other hand, blew a gasket when a note came home from school with suggested dates for my first communion... we were not Catholic

33. The nun who provided Catholic studies at school thought I might have had a vocation, why else would I have passed myself off as Catholic. She was very disappointed to have me tell her it was because the Junior Catholic Bibles had lovely coloured pictures in them

34. I was and still am a clumsy clot... totally unaware of my physical self... so spent most of my childhood covered in bruises and scabs

35. I've never been very sporty... totally uncoordinated, though I have danced on and off for most of my life. At school I was part of a group that used to learn a traditional folk dance, and then we would teach the rest of the school... I love Zorba the Greek to this day...

36. Though I was a mean Wing Defence till a fall, splat, straight on to one knee, ended my netball career, and resulted in my wearing a knee brace and having a walking stick for almost 6 months. The knee is still a bit dodgy... and aches when it's damp...

37. My mother talks about the time I told my brother to get f@#ked... I was probably about 7 at the time, and I was told not to say that word... so asked my favourite question - Why? Cause, you shouldn't say words if you don't know what they mean, to which I replied - but I do know. Mum called my bluff... "ok, smartypants, what does it mean?" she asked, to which I replied "its when a man and a lady get stuck together!"

FIVE: TEENAGE DIRTBAG...
38. I was a bit of a good girl, but had my moments of rebellion... was always getting into trouble for completing my work and then distracting the other kids by talking

39. My high school was very progressive, so instead of being in a class with students my year, at the end of the first year they assessed students and placed them in one of four units... Unit One, being the most relaxed and informal going up to Unit Four, which was predominantly traditional class room style, though Years 7-9 together - guess, which unit I ended up in? Yep, one...

40. Imagine about 100+ kids roaming around a huge open room with half a dozen teachers, and you've got an idea about 3 years of high school for me... we created our own language with it's own written and oral rules in English class, developed our own societies, experimenting with a variety of governing styles, built cubbyhouses, fiercely debated everything that came out of our teachers mouths and generally created chaos... I loved it!

41. Of course, when I got to the equivalent of year 10 and they started prepping us for exams etc. it was a major shock... what do you mean I have to produce written material?

42. Consequently I failed my HSC ... and was so miserable my last two years of high school it took me over 20 years to go back to study... and even now I struggle within the confines and restrictions of formal education

43. I got drunk for the first time at 16 during the lunch break, on Southern Comfort, and then fell asleep in my English Literature class, which was taught by the principal

44. My first trip to a pub at age 17, sitting in the beer garden of the Yarra Hotel in Collingwood, the place was raided by the cops, with underaged girls flying off into the toilets, only to be hauled out and away. An older guy, said to me, "go up to the bar and buy a jug of beer", which I did, and then casually brought it back to our table. My friend and I and he were the only ones not spoken to. And when the cops left and I expressed relief, he floored me, but saying "yeah, me too - I've got a baggie of pot tucked into my underpants"

SIX: I AM WOMAN...
45. From my mid twenties till about 35 I was invisible... I had friends, most of whom are still around, but I would and could be introduced to someone multiple times and they would not remember me

46. I went away on my own on holiday the year I turned 28, and did not speak to another living soul for a week and for the first time discovered my need to go into hibernation in order to survive

47. While away I made a list of things I wanted to achieve before I was 30 - the first and only time I have ever made such a list. I promptly forgot about it, until I found it at around 32 and just mentally adjusted the timeframes to 35, then 40 etc.

48. The list primarily was focused on having a place of my own and a child of my own... but makes no reference to having a partner

49. I'm obviously a late bloomer, or a late rebel... getting a tattoo at 38, around the same time I started tap dancing, and now joining a choir at 46

50. A friend wanted to know what was I going to do next.. and I said.. I don't know - stand up comedy? To which she replied, "actually that wouldn't surprise me at all"

SEVEN: DO YOU THINK I'M SEXY...
51. My first proper french kiss was a guy called Burkey... it was horrible... and worse, he told everyone, and I didn't kiss anyone again for a number of years

52. I had a major crush on a guy in high school who referred to me as Blob... I used to call him Shithead... he once said to me "What are you going to be when you grow up? You can't be an elephant in disguise all your life!" starting me on my path of being fatally attracted to sarcastic, clever bastards!

53. I mooned over a boy through primary and high school and only discovered at my 20 year high school reunion that he'd had a crush on me too...

54. For most of my teens and 20s, I thought I was not attractive as a female... an 'honorary boy' who used to hang with the guys, talk to them, but they rarely tried to grope or kiss me. It is only now looking back that I realise quite a few of them were probably interested in me, but I was totally oblivious and clueless.

55. Flirting is much easier when I'm a bit liquored up... now that I rarely drink, I find it difficult to really flirt... I miss it!

56. Because I am naturally curious about people including all things male, I've often found myself having the weirdest conversations about men and sex... and it confuses men no end, just cause I'm happy to discuss sex doesn't mean I actually want to have it... well, not with you, anyway!

EIGHT: WORKING FOR THE MAN...
57. I started working part-time in gift/record/lotto shop at 14, earning the princely sum of .75c an hour. Within a month, I was doing all the lotto bookwork and continued to work part-time until I left high school

58. I left school and went straight into a full time job, and I've never been unemployed since

59. I have been a mail sorter (specialising in postcodes - almost 30 years later I can still remember most Melbourne suburban codes), receptionist, secretary, reception clerk, book-keeper, payroll officer, office manager, executive assistant, project officer and now, an OH&S advisor

60. I have worked for hotels and motels, a major arts festival, an independent economic research institute, a disability support service, an architectural practice, a major cultural institution, a TAFE college and now a local government

61. I still haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up...

NINE: A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME...
62. I moved into a share house at 19, my room was a hexagonal room (former dining room) with lime green and yellow flock wallpaper so bright that sometimes I could still see it on my eyelids with my eyes closed.

63. The one guy who lived there (married to one of the women) was caught with his eye to keyhole of one of the other girl's bedrooms (his wife's sister).

64. I was the only person who worked full-time, the others all students with waiting jobs, so I would come home to discover they'd used up all the milk and bread and taken the 'kitty' money to buy fish and chips.

65. I hated it so much, that I started going home on weekends, supposedly so that I could do my washing, that gradually extended in to staying 3 to 4 days a week, and I discovered I'd slowly moved most of my belongings back

66. I moved back temporarily, and agreed to take over the mortgage with my brother when my parents separated so that my Mum didn't lose the house, and ended up staying for almost 20 years

67. I moved out 5 years ago... after agonising over having the conversation that I wanted to live on my own for nearly 12 months, and did the big blurt and was gone in less than a month

68. I live with Gertie and Gracie, two tortoiseshell cats... Gracie spends most of her time hiding under furniture or under the doona sleeping, only appearing briefly to eat, and occasionally when she's really tired, have a cuddle

69. Gertie, on the other hand, is my girl... wherever I am, she is... or at least she makes sure I am in eye contact... she is curled up on a beanbag at my feet as I write this, occasionally stretching out to give my foot a nudge

70. I never realised until I moved out on my own how much I crave silence and my own company

71. I don't think I will ever willingly share my home with someone again...

TEN: WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS...
72. One of my closest friends sat next to me in prep class... apart from family, she's the person I've known the longest in my life and I love her to bits... a single mother of 4, she's off doing a "Shirley Valentine' in Greece - away on her own for the next 3 months, the first time since she was 18... I am so proud of her

73. My friends are my family... and while different people move in and out of my life, I have amassed the most amazing group of friends, who make it possible for me to be me...

74. As I get older I find that what male friends I had have, for the most part, drifted away. A lot of them finding it impossible to maintain a friendship with me once they have partnered up or married.

75. MFL is one of the exceptions... I have been in love and now loved him for over 25 years... and while we don't see each other often, I know if I need him he will be there for me, as I will be for him

ELEVEN: DAMN, I WISH I WAS YOUR LOVER...
76. While there have been men through my life that I have been attracted to, there are only 3, possibly 4, that I think of as being important

77. If I like you, then we can be friends, but I need to more than like you to be your lover

78. Boomerang Boy told me that from the beginning, there was nothing casual about me, which is ironic really, as I never placed any expectations on him or a future together, other than I wanted to be with him... for how ever long it seemed right

79. I'd like to think that there is one more 'great love' out there for me...

80. If I can't have one more 'great love' than I guy who makes me feel lust in my panty region on a regular basis would do...

81. Oh, and he has to live within a 10 klm radius, be available to satisfy that lust whenever I want him to, and fete me as the goddess I am...

82. And cook too...

TWELVE: SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF THIS...
83. As previously stated, I haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up yet...

84. Though I always dreamed of owning a bookshop and/or being a writer

85. Through this blog I've discovered that maybe I could be a writer, though I've yet to determine in what forum

86. I'd find it difficult to write full time, my style is anecdotal - I am a storyteller... a participator rather than a spectator... in order to write, I need to interact with others

87. It has been suggested, more than once, that I would make a good therapist... as I am interested in what motivates people, and that I am a good listener, this might be a good career choice for me

88. I, of course, scoff at the notion - with echoes of "physician heal thyself" flashing through my mind

89. That's not to say that I wouldn't be interested in doing some study either in transpersonal therapy or psychology

90. I dream of making a difference... even if that difference is just that I've impacted in a positive way on those people I have met and allowed into my life

91. I've also dreamed of accepting an Academy Award - triple award winner - for writing, directing and starring in a fantabulous movie... oh and singing the theme song!

92. Of course, my Oscar date is my friend with benefits... Mr Clooney...

THIRTEEN: THE FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT I'VE GOT TO WEAR SHADES...
93. I am eternally optimistic... a glass half full, Pollyanna type of girl

94. I have to believe in basic human decency... though I realise that the world is a scary place these days

95. But on a personal level, these days are, for the most part, good...

96. I'm still a 'gunna' - gunna do this and gunna do that... but I'm happy to be that way... for the first time, genuinely happy with my lot.

97. I feel like I am still at the beginning of my life, though my physical self occasionally has to remind me that that is in fact, not so.

98. It is the journey that is important to me, not the destination...

99. And my fervent wish is that many of you will continue to share my journey with me as I bumble along... singing out of tune, dancing like a dork and laughing like a loon...

100. To be continued...

True Confessions ... eight things about me...

Rhian/Crowwoman tagged me to do this meme...

Here are the rules according to whomever likes to makeup rules (not me):
1. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves. (blah, blah blah)
2. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. (Duh.)
3. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. (See item 1 below - if you want to do this you can, but I ain't gonna tag you - probably cause I'd struggle to find 8 people to tag!)
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog. (Duh, again)

One... While I am usually very amiable, I can be mulish and obstinate, and don't cope very well with being 'told' what to do... and will often surprise people if they dare me or goad me into doing something foolish... as most people will say while I can be a bit madcap, I am usually sensible... but while I am aware of the need for rules, I will often then disregard them if it suits me, and it harms none... particularly if someone 'expects' me to react sensibly... contrary is my middle name!

Two... I am completely left side dominant... left handed, left footed. My 1st grade teacher tried to make me write with my right hand, by making me sit on my left hand all through class. I was utterly miserable for weeks, but didn't want to tell my Mum what was happening, as the teacher said that left-handedness was a freak of nature... I was 5 or 6 at the time. My best friend told her Mum that I'd cried at recess, and her Mum told mine, and I saw my Mum for the first time in all her Mama bear fury descend on this woman. Apparently, the first time I ever reached for something I used my left hand and I've been doing it ever since. Being so left side dominant has meant that I cannot march - instead of stepping with my left leg, swinging with my right arm, I swing and step from the same side... hence I fall over a lot!

Three ... for all of my brazen, out there persona, that means I can talk a mile a minute to almost anyone, I get terrible stage fright if I have to speak in front of others in a more formal setting, like at a meeting or training session. Literally sick with fear... and in the weeks prior to every Tap concert every time I walked down a flight of stairs I'd have this mental thought - "maybe it won't hurt so much if I throw myself down these, cause if I break or sprain my ankle I'll have an excuse to get out of having to go on stage" Of course, the incredible rush afterwards that I had gone out there and conquered my fear was fantastic, even if I was probably dancing the routine perfectly, just 3 beats either ahead or behind the others

Four... have you seen The Truth About Cats and Dogs? Do you remember the telephone scene with Ben Chaplin and Janene Garofalo? I've done that, but instead of him convincing me, I convinced him... I liked it.... a lot... a real lot.... geez I'm turning myself on just remembering...

Five... I can't wink... and I can only click my fingers with my left hand... my right hand makes no sound. Nor can I curl my tongue, wiggle my ears or raise only one eyebrow. Though I can cross my eyes like this... taught myself to do it by staring at the tip of my nose.

Six... I am and have always been a 'good' girl, a 'good' child, a 'good' friend, a 'good' worker etc. and deep inside I yearn to be 'bad'... I'd like to break some one's heart, trash the office, have wild and wanton sex in public places with the 'wrong sort' of man... and do things not because I don't know better... but because I can...(actually I wouldn't want to break some one's heart... )

Seven... as a little girl I used to lie in the darkness of my bedroom with my eyes open wide and slowly blot out all visual and sensory stimulation and imagine that this is what it felt like to be dead... this feeling of blankness and nothingness ... and was sometimes so successful at emptying my head of all conscious thought that I would literally terrify myself... even now I live almost exclusively in my head, often forgetting my physical self, until my body reminds me, usually by getting ill. Except now my brain is rarely restful, even meditation only slows the revs down a little, but never makes them completely stop... I wonder if I've convinced myself if I stop thinking I'll die...

Eight... I spent most of my teens and twenties being invisible, playing the role that was assigned to me. That good girl thing... though I obviously showed my true self to some, those people that I've loved and who have loved me during and since that time. I'm pretty much over being invisible, and sick of being afraid... you may not like me, but I'll be damned if you'll ever forget me... and if at the end of my life they say 'she was a bit out there, but gee she was fun, and she made me (laugh, cry, mad or horny' I'll be happy...


I got my name in lights with notcelebrity.co.uk

Wow... that was weird...as for the name in lights... I got it from Savannah's site, and it seems to fit with item eight... so...

Who I want to be when I grow up...

It's interesting - girls reactions to other girls. I wonder if young boys have such a relationship with males in the public eye. Apart from Daddy, do boys idolise other men while growing up? Do they want to grow up to look like another man, say Justin Timberlake or The Rock? As teenagers going through puberty do they aspire to be them in the same way that girls aspire to be other women? We look at other women and we want to be them...I put on my cloudiest suit [Miscellany]

The paragraph above is part of Mez's ode to Kate Bush who she idealised as a teenager. And then in my post of Monday Rhi talked about Morticia Addams and I said I preferred Lily Munster, and it's got me thinking...

Mez is right... girls react to other girls, look up to them, idolise them, want to be them... so who do I want to be? Any of, or a combination of these women, both real and fictional, would suit me just fine... it's funny, that Mez's idol was a singer, and most of mine are either fictional characters or actresses...

Lily Munster, as played by Yvonne DeCarlo. I loved Lily... she had style... but she loved her man, even if he was a doofus.. and her family. I thought she was pretty, she was curvy, not a stick figure, which was important to a girl who started developing lumps and bumps at a young age. I'd love to do the dramatic white streak through my hair...mmm



Jo March, Little Women - I'm going to write in more detail about Little Women at some time, but needless to say, I was given a Junior edition of the story when I was six, have my Mum's copy of Good Wives, which she was given as a teenager, and bought myself the whole Louisa May Alcott collection as an adult. I wanted to be Jo - creative, writing in her garret. I wanted to be brave enough to cut my hair, and already knew I was clumsy enough to singe my gown on the fire. Still want someone like Professor Bhaer, an intelligent and kind man, who will recognise my talent and loveliness...

Colleen Dewhurst, Actress...if I grew up to be Colleen Dewhurst or some of the characters she played, I'd be happy. I think she was strikingly beautiful, both as a younger woman and as she got older, with a deep throaty voice, and a booming sexy laugh. The first time I saw her was in The Women's Room, and then in And Baby Makes Six, as a middle-aged mother of 4, who discovers that she is pregnant. She was Marilla in Anne of Green Gables, and Murphy's mother, in Murphy Brown. She won 4 Emmy awards, and two Toni Awards, and was president of Actors Equity in the years prior to her death in 1991 from cervical cancer.

Anne of Green Gables, Lucy Maud Montgomery... speaking of Anne... I loved her too... came to these stories late, after the production of Anne of Green Gables for TV that starred Megan Follows... but ended up buying the books for myself, and read the first one on an overnight train trip to Sydney to see Noiseworks film a concert for MTV, talk about a contradiction in terms... I was about 26 at the time.

Catwoman (particularly as played by Julie Newmar) - can remember playing Batman and Robin, with me as Catwoman, with Peter, who lived in our street... I had a crush on him. He got really upset, cause I tried to kiss him... Catwoman was bad, evil and Batman shouldn't kiss her... was I the only 6 year old to understand the URST (unresolved sexual tension) between those two?

Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer ... she was a nerdy, bluestocking girl, who discovered her own power... and she got to make out with Seth Green... but I love her character for saying things like this ... When I'm with a boy I like I can't say anything cool, or witty - or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away... and this... We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy my class notes with a system of different colored pens. But it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane... and this... Okay, the Angel thing went badly, I'm on board with that, but that's not your fault. And anyways, love isn't always like that. Love can be... nice.

Lili Taylor, Actress... she's one of my favourites, I've loved her since Say Anything, particularly in Dogfight with River Phoenix, and Household Saints with Vincent D'Onofrio. Was thrilled when she joined Six Feet Under, my favourite actress in my favourite TV show. She's mesmerising.

Claudia Jean (CJ) Cregg, The West Wing... one of the best female characters created for television... having just watched the final episodes of The West Wing, I'm struck that regardless of the overabundance of mucho macho men, both actors and characters... it is CJ that is the most memorable... in some ways, particularly in the later seasons, she became the heart of the show. Alison Janney is a goddess...

Katherine Hepburn... ah, Kate. Fiercely intelligent, independent, unique, a man's woman, but loved by women as well... who wouldn't want to be her? She was a Jo March too... as well as Susan Vance in Bringing Up Baby, Tracy Lord in The Philadelphia Story, Rose Sayer in The African Queen and who can ever forget her with Spencer Tracy in Adam's Rib, Pat and Mike, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner and my personal favourite, Desk Set, where she plays Bunny, the head of a research department, to Tracy's Richard, who has been brought in to introduce Memorac, a computer to assist them.

Bunny: I don't smoke, I only drink champagne when I'm lucky enough to get it, my hair is naturally natural, I live alone... and so do you.
Richard: How do you know that?
Bunny: Because you're wearing one brown sock and one black sock.

A little advice about feelings kiddo; don't expect it always to tickle... Ordinary People

It was winter time, I can remember. Late on a Saturday afternoon, sometime in 1980/81 as we travelled by taxi as the light faded.

I can remember the closer we got, the tighter and more anxious I got, and the more relaxed Dad became. After days of black moods and tears and heated discussions the decision had been made... he wanted to check in to the hospital, was spiraling out of control and needed to admit himself and be voluntarily committed.

This wasn't the first time this had happened, though it was one of the first times I accompanied my parents on this trip. They had tried to shield us from a lot of Dad's mental illness. It was never a secret, how could it possibly be, when he had regularly required hospital admittance for over 20 years... either because of one of several suicide attempts (at least 6 that we know of) or like now, because either he or my mother could no longer cope without some drastic intervention. But until more recently, Mum had made this trip with Dad on her own, or he had gone by ambulance.

But I was older this time, around 20, and at that stage, the only child living at home, having returned home the year before after 15 months living in a share house. And so I had offered to go with them, mainly so that Mum wouldn't have to deal with what must have been an awful trip home alone afterwards.

Dad was finally smiling... he liked the hospital. Looking back now I realise my father was at his happiest when he was institutionalised. He loved the time he was sent to a boys home in his misspent youth as a punishment, and cried when his father came to take him home. Talked fondly of the 12 months spent in a sanatorium as an 18 year old, while recovering from tuberculosis. Enjoyed the Supported Residential Service he lived in for nearly a decade later in life and the Nursing Home he lived in before he died. I think he liked the routines, the orderliness. Someone told you when to get up, when to go to bed, when to eat and what to do.

So we left him there, Mum and I... on a cold Saturday afternoon, and we walked through the gardens of the hospital up to the bus stop to go home. While we waited, we talked, and Mum said, "I don't want to go home yet, let's go to the movies". "What will we see?" says I. "I don't know, let's decide when we get there" says she.

It was full dark by the time we got into the city, and raining heavily. We had no choice but to submerge ourselves in water pouring along the gutters of Russell Street, as the drains overflowed with the force of the rainfall. So we were both wet from the knees down as we laughed and raced for cover. My new indian cotton jacket started to disintegrate (literally falling to pieces) as the rain touched it... in the end I left it, a sodden mess wedged under the seat.

We stood at the ticketbox, looking at the titles of films, and their starting times, trying to decide what to see. "That film's supposed to be good" says I. "What's it about?" says Mum. "I don't know, but Robert Redford directed it, and Donald Sutherland's in it" says I. "Ok, I like Donald Sutherland" says Mum. So we bought tickets...

The film was Ordinary People... ironic but fitting that we should chose a film that deals with families, grief, and the aftermath of attempted suicide. It had a profound effect on me then, and watching it again more recently, it still has the power to affect me, but in surprising ways, considering the subject matter.

Timothy Hutton, plays Conrad Jarrett, a young man only recently returned home from a long hospitalisation following a suicide attempt. He and his parents, Calvin (Donald Sutherland) and Beth (Mary Tyler Moore) live in an idyllic, affluent neighbourhood, but are struggling following the tragedy of the death of their oldest son, Buck, who drowns when the boat he and Conrad were sailing capsizes.

This is a quiet, understated, but devastating film, as you watch this family unravel before your eyes. You only see brief glimpses of the accident in flashback, late in the film, and even the fact that there is something wrong with this family, only becomes apparent slowly. One of those times where a film allows the audience to find out things as the story unfolds without ramming it down your throat.

At 20, my sympathies were primarily focused on Conrad, but even then, I realised that in a lot of ways, he was the strongest character of them all. His attempts to understand not only what happened to his brother, but also his role in the accident, his place within the family and in his relationships is heartbreaking, but at the same time life affirming. But even the first time, I felt for all of these characters and felt some affinity with them all, an affinity I felt even more in my most recent viewing.

The caring but ultimately powerless Calvin, who wants his remaining family to be happy and his attempts to navigate some form of understanding between his young son and wife. This was Donald Sutherland at his best, where just a look has the power to move you to tears.

Calvin: Don't admire people too much, they might disappoint you.

And Beth, a woman who on the surface appears incredibly cold and unloving, but is both in deep denial and pain. There are scenes in this film when you just want to scream at her, for the way she ignores Conrad, but you come to understand that she can't allow herself to be close to him, to anyone. It's not that she doesn't love him, she just can't love him in the way that he so desperately needs, it's just not in her nature.

Conrad: You woulda visited Buck if he was in the hospital.
Beth : Buck would have never been in the hospital!

For all of it's emotion, the film has some lovely moments. Judd Hirsch is brilliant as Dr. Berger, the therapist that Conrad starts to visit, under duress, and their scenes together are both painful and funny.

Dr. Berger: So what are you thinking now?
Conrad: That I jack off a lot.
Dr. Berger: So what else is new? Does it help?
Conrad: For a minute.

Elizabeth McGovern is a delight as the fellow student with whom Conrad starts a tentative relationship.

Conrad: Anyway.
Jeannine: Hm, what?
Conrad: Oh just anyway. It's a conversation starter.
Jeannine: Hm, catchy.
Conrad: I knew you'd like it, I've been working on it all day.

I think this film deserved it's Oscar win, and the Best Director Oscar for Redford, and unfortunately I don't think Timothy Hutton has bettered this performance, he should have been nominated for Best Actor, as it is very much his film, not the Best Supporting Actor award that he won.

And I'd heartily recommend it... as a film that makes you think, about love and the different ways we all need and express it, about the nature of families and the way people change and react following tragedy.

Calvin (to Beth): We would have been all right if there hadn't been any mess. But you can't handle mess. You need everything neat and easy. I don't know. Maybe you can't love anybody. It was so much Buck. When Buck died, it was like you buried all your love with him, and I don't understand that, I just don't know, I don't... maybe it wasn't even Buck; maybe it was just you. Maybe, finally, it was the best of you that you buried. But whatever it was... I don't know who you are. I don't know what we've been playing at. So I was crying. Because I don't know if I love you any more. And I don't know what I'm going to do without that.

I've watched this film several times over the years, it was one of the first video's we borrowed when we bought our first VCR, and I now own my own DVD. Every time I watch it, I flashback to that first viewing, sitting next to my Mum, with sopping wet feet, sharing a single tissue between us (we peeled the tissues ply apart). And it seems strange, that I still count this as one of my favourite films, you'd think I would avoid it.

But seeing that film, that night, helped a lot. It was the first time I ever saw a film that looked at the issue of suicide in this way. And while the end of the film is incredibly sad, it's also quite hopeful... and it helped me to understand not only the role my father and his illness played in my own life and my own thought processes, but my mother's role in that too.

I am, or have been, all of those characters at different times. The child, desperately trying to understand the parent and have them love them. The man, desperate to stop his family from disintegrating around him. And the woman, desperate to pretend that everything is right in her world...