Serendipitous, soft, squishy bits of goodness...

There's a serendipity to the blogosphere that I'm starting to appreciate. Reading a favourite blog, someone will post something, and it'll get me thinking, and then I'll read someone else's and they've posed a similar theme, and it'll get me thinking again.

Even more serendipitous is when I've been having conversations in RL and then suddenly there will be a group of people having conversations on a similar topic in the blogosphere... sometimes the universe tries various ways to make itself heard...

And I love my site meter... it's cool.. I can not only see how many people are reading, but where in the world they are, how long they stay, how many pages they read, and how they've found me. #

Best of all, I can see where people have found me via a search engine like google - for instance, this search "go braless" "first time" on blog search found this link.

Hit number 20... must have been keen to keep going... it's my understanding that people usually stop looking after the first page... I bet he was disappointed. I know, I'm making assumptions but just feels like maybe Singapore, 4.32am, who stayed for less than a second, was a he...

And there's that serendipity again... have read a couple of blog posts about breasticles and bras recently, and Eileen in a post over the weekend listed the things she'd never do, including sending pictures of her boobage to blogging friends. I agreed with her and told her mostly cause my boobage is slowly becoming my waistage!

So it's seems that boobage is a bit of an underlying theme at present, so Frou Frou's random thoughts on boobage (sorry, I love that word... boobage, boobage, boobage).

In Succulent Wild Women, SARK talks about the size of a woman's boobage - you know when you have an overabundance of boobage when you can hold a pencil under there...

She also suggests that cleavage is the best place to warm the butter in a restaurant, which always makes me laugh when I'm sitting there looking at curls of frozen butter... I think she meant the foil wrapped packets.

It's not just straight men who have a fascination with breasticles, a completely out there gay colleague used to regularly reach out and play... either undoing buttons so he could look down my shirt, or actually coping a feel...and couldn't understand why I wasn't comfortable with his behaviour...

In discussions with girlfriends, most of us are never really happy with our lot... if we're small, we'd like 'em bigger, and if we're bigger, we wish they were smaller.

Most guys will do the visual inspection, just that the majority of them will look quickly and then look elsewhere. Making a big deal of it, usually has a negative effect... and honestly, I think most of the time, they don't even know they're doing it...

The bra, is often one of the first items of clothing removed when we come home at night, or the item of clothing least likely to be put on if we know no-one is going to see us. Guys, imagine wearing a jock strap/ or cup all day, and you might get a bit of an inkling of what a full underwire bra can sometimes feel like... and most of us will need to wear one out in public every day from the age of about 13-16 ... unless we want to be able to tuck our boobage into our underpants by age 40!

There is nothing quite as embarrassing as looking down and seeing that the underwire in your bra has broken through the fabric and you've got this pointy bump in your boobage. Well, there is something more embarrassing, go back and read the link that started this post in the first place if you don't believe me...

Tattoos on breasticles can look wonderful, but gravity and saggage can make that lovely design look slightly strange... a friend had to get new ink on her starfish tattoo as 10 years down the track someone wanted to know why she had a snail on her boobie...

And sometimes we are just cold!


# I have aubirdwoman and rhian/crowwoman to thank for most of my traffic, which is lovely, an old friend from RL and a new friend from the blogosphere. I met aubirdwoman about 6 years ago when she came along to a axe murderers quilters get together I organised on an online quilt group we both belonged to. I love my Mum, but if I was going to pick another one, Sheila would be a good choice.

And Rhian feels so much like a friend already, and we're going to dance together when the end is nigh... and help it along a little, we'll probably dance right off the end of the world, or I'll trip and take her over the side with me...

The Rat Run...

A rat run is a colloquial term for a short cut that traffic takes, usually on residential side streets in a urban area. ..The associations with "beating the crowd", the rush hour, rat race likely gave rise to the term. However, it literally derives from the habit of rats in finding and maintaining foraging routes that are covert... Wikipedia

I will confess, that I had never heard of the term 'rat run' until yesterday... in a surreal conversation with a couple of the guys from work...These 3 guys, are part of a small group that have formed a bit of a clique within our much larger organisation. I don't know any of them very well, but what interaction I have with them, either singularly or as a group, always makes me smile if not laugh out loud, even though they can be a little intimidating en masse...so tight with one another, that sometimes it seems they are deliberately excluding others.

So my slightly left of centre mind... ok, ok, very left of centre mind, in hearing the term being bandied about yesterday, made mental connections of rats and a group of cool dudes and came up not with images of this:

But images of this! Those too cool for school guys, The Rat Pack.
Considering the conversation that took place, and my flights of fancy today, I'm even now more convinced that my very left of centre mind is on to something (the conversation below is not verbatim, can't remember all of it, as it was a jumble of interjection and overtalking, but I think you'll get the gist).

MFF to Dino: Do you still go that round the back way you told me about?
Frankie: DINO! Did you tell her about the rat-run?
MFF (confused): The what? Oh, Dino told me months ago about going a different way to work
Dino: No - you're mistaken. I've never told you that (giving me evil eye squints and jerking his head strangely) you're mistaking me with Sammy
Frankie: Dino, you know the rules about disclosing the rat-run... I'm going to have to report you to the committee... 1st rule... tell no one!
MFF: (even more confused): Are we talking about the same thing? The route that takes you over that funky bridge. The one I told you I drove over once, but never will again...(shudders) Sammy told me about a different way too...
Dino: See Frankie, told you... it was Sammy... not me (still grimacing at me wildly, but starting to laugh)
Frankie (stiff with mock indignation): Well, I don't know about this... Frou you're not supposed to know about the rat-run...only the Committee know about the rat-run... can't have every rat-run imposter knowing
MFF: Seriously, WHAT are you talking about? If it's the route I think Dino was telling me about:
Dino (loudly): It wasn't me I tell you, it was Sammy... I didn't tell you anything...
MFF (ignoring him): .... I ain't going to go that way anyway, as it's semi-rural, I'm an inner city chick, all those windy roads, no street lights, no traffic lights, gives me the heebees...
Frankie: Well, I suppose it's ok if you know, but you're not allowed to tell anyone... go photocopy the map and I'll mark it out for you
Joey: Heah, Frou
Frankie: I checked with Joey, he says it's ok... we can tell you 'bout the rat-run, but you can't tell anyone (marks route on map) you need to memorise this as this map will self-destruct in 30 seconds (male laughter)
MFF: Guys, I've already told you, I'm not driving that way, that bridge gives me the willies
Joey in an aside to Dino: What's she talking about, there's nothing wrong with the bridge?
Dino to Joey: She can't help it, she's not very logical
3 male voices in unison: Nah, Frou, it's fine... one side has to give way to the other, and when in doubt you just floor it... manly chests puffed out, smirking at each other
Dino (dreamily): it's a pretty drive, sometimes you get to see moo moo's. (2 sets of male eyes look at him like he's just grown a second head)
MFF: When you're talking about moo moo's I'm assuming you're making reference to the bovine variety, as opposed to a collection of fat women in colourful tentlike outfits standing by the side of road...
Laughter...

Mez, in her blog on Big Brother confirming her suspicions about human behaviour said:
1) Men in groups bigger than 2 sometimes act as bullies because they egg each other on
2) Not all men get involved in the bullies thing - but the ones that do would probably be best described as "blokey" men (at their most innocent)

And I agreed with her, have certainly seen my fair share of male group behaviour that is less than admirable, though thankfully, rarely directed at me. Though once overheard a group of guys we'd met at a pub debating which one of us girls they'd do... and had to listen to them discuss the various pro's and con's of my friends and I, including the prince charming whinging about why he always ended up with the fat one (that would be me, by the way!). He got his 'justs' when I deliberately inadvertently ground my knee into his manticles soft, squishy bits when he tried to pull me on to his lap.

But, in my experience, when you get the chance to either observe or interact with a group of men, it can be a weird and wonderful (but often very, very silly) thing, and I'm fortunate that over the years, there have been groups of men that I've been allowed to hang with. #

• the group of boys in high school, that had known one another since preps, who had the macho posturing down to a fine art, but were totally clueless about women, that used to talk to me about how to get girls to notice them##
• the footy team boys, both juniors and seniors, that I got to know, cause my Godfather was coach and I helped out with drinks at games most weekends. Learnt very early that 18-20 year old boys have very few interests - sex, sport, sex, alcohol... ah did I mention sex and that 20-35 year old men have pretty much the same interests... they can just sometimes be a bit more subtle about it
  
• the guys in various office environments, who liked the fact that I'll have a beer, and my usual reaction to ripe language particularly the over abundance of the 'f' word is to say... um ahh, you just used that naughty in and out word... that would usually have the blokiest of blokes, blushing and stammering and apologising until they realised I was laughing...
• even hanging out with Peter Rabbit and my most recent opportunity to see him in his natural masculine habitat, after being invited to go with him as his date for a school mates 40th, realised that he behaves very differently when he's out with me, or my friends, then when he's with his mates... where the conversation for most of the night was about football, and all sorts of motorsports, and I got to observe the age old ritual of men leaning over mesmerised by the inner workings of a car engine... and they say us girls go gaga over shoes!
  

I used to think I was a bit of an 'honorary' boy... certainly have had my fair share of conversations with men, that would be deemed inappropriate subject matter for most female ears... MLDD always tells me, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to finding out way more than I'm comfortable with, in regard to men and their habits.

Apparently the appropriate response to a guy describing how he organised 'home deliveries' from the local brothel when he broke both legs in a motorcycle accident is to change the subject pronto... rather than my usual eternal curiosity along the lines, of really, but how did you actually manage it, if you couldn't move your legs... (can't help it... my mind paints vivid mental pictures) - though what does it say about him, and/or me, that this conversation took place on a first date... and he then went on to ask me if I'd like to go to the local strip club with him.###

Trying to hold an intelligent conversation while looking into the glazed eyes of a dozen or so of those 18-20 year old boys, who'd at the footy weekend away, in 48 hours consumed enormous quantities of alcohol, held fart and belch competitions, eaten nothing that hadn't come in a wrapper or cardboard box and had p0rn on an endless rotation on the TV was a challenge...

It was also a challenge when one of the shyest, quietest of the bunch introduces you to his girlfriend, Sally Sanyo, the vacuum cleaner, and proudly shows off the perfectly circular love bite/ bruises all over his torso, and through your horrified laughter, you try to ascertain if he'd tried to see just how well good ole Sally was in the suction department... and had he done himself any permanent damage.

So while I can understand Mez's observations, I think there is nothing sweeter than a group of smart, funny, clever boys riffing together and being allowed to be a part of it. Can honestly say I don't ever remember hanging with a group of guys I knew and feeling uncomfortable about the tone or subject matter, regardless of what we were discussing.

It's only the group mentality when men are interacting with women they don't know that can be disconcerting... particularly where alcohol is also involved...

Edit - Saturday: In thinking about this, the hanging with the guys experiences have diminished as I've got older... not sure why that is? It's only with work colleagues that it's more likely to exist now, and usually only within working hours and the workplace. Whereas as a younger woman, I probably had equal numbers of male/female friends...and in the workplace we were more likely to socialise outside work hours.

I wonder if it's linked to something else I've been pondering writing about... how male friends slowly drift away once they partner up, finding it difficult to maintain friendships with single women (or this single woman anyway)? Or is it that older men don't hang out together as much, and when they do, its usually excluding women all together? Or am I less likely to engage with groups of men, now that I am older? Would be curious to hear opinions...

# I do not assume that 'The Rat Run Pack' are suddenly going to allow me in amongst their group, as previously stated, they are all pretty tight with each other and I'm an outsider...not because I'm female but because not only am I one of the new kids on the block, but one of the 'downstairs' people, I am tolerated, not excluded, but not included either...they just allow me the privilege of the odd glimpse into their world...which is fine... considering I'm probably old enough to be mother, or much older sister to most of them...

## Have no idea why men always ask my advice about wooing women - considering I have the worst record in the world about having and maintaining relationships. Even simple things like telling a guy that he shouldn't wait to call a girl if he's enjoyed a date. Apparently, according to the Groove Train Gang, if a guy rang you the next day to say he'd had a good time, they'd think he was a stalker... whereas I'd think it was sweet, and meant that he liked me...

### needless to say, there was no second date.. but that was more because he looked like the leather man from The Village People, except the handlebar moustache was red! What can I say, I'm shallow...

Who I want to be when I grow up...

It's interesting - girls reactions to other girls. I wonder if young boys have such a relationship with males in the public eye. Apart from Daddy, do boys idolise other men while growing up? Do they want to grow up to look like another man, say Justin Timberlake or The Rock? As teenagers going through puberty do they aspire to be them in the same way that girls aspire to be other women? We look at other women and we want to be them...I put on my cloudiest suit [Miscellany]

The paragraph above is part of Mez's ode to Kate Bush who she idealised as a teenager. And then in my post of Monday Rhi talked about Morticia Addams and I said I preferred Lily Munster, and it's got me thinking...

Mez is right... girls react to other girls, look up to them, idolise them, want to be them... so who do I want to be? Any of, or a combination of these women, both real and fictional, would suit me just fine... it's funny, that Mez's idol was a singer, and most of mine are either fictional characters or actresses...

Lily Munster, as played by Yvonne DeCarlo. I loved Lily... she had style... but she loved her man, even if he was a doofus.. and her family. I thought she was pretty, she was curvy, not a stick figure, which was important to a girl who started developing lumps and bumps at a young age. I'd love to do the dramatic white streak through my hair...mmm



Jo March, Little Women - I'm going to write in more detail about Little Women at some time, but needless to say, I was given a Junior edition of the story when I was six, have my Mum's copy of Good Wives, which she was given as a teenager, and bought myself the whole Louisa May Alcott collection as an adult. I wanted to be Jo - creative, writing in her garret. I wanted to be brave enough to cut my hair, and already knew I was clumsy enough to singe my gown on the fire. Still want someone like Professor Bhaer, an intelligent and kind man, who will recognise my talent and loveliness...

Colleen Dewhurst, Actress...if I grew up to be Colleen Dewhurst or some of the characters she played, I'd be happy. I think she was strikingly beautiful, both as a younger woman and as she got older, with a deep throaty voice, and a booming sexy laugh. The first time I saw her was in The Women's Room, and then in And Baby Makes Six, as a middle-aged mother of 4, who discovers that she is pregnant. She was Marilla in Anne of Green Gables, and Murphy's mother, in Murphy Brown. She won 4 Emmy awards, and two Toni Awards, and was president of Actors Equity in the years prior to her death in 1991 from cervical cancer.

Anne of Green Gables, Lucy Maud Montgomery... speaking of Anne... I loved her too... came to these stories late, after the production of Anne of Green Gables for TV that starred Megan Follows... but ended up buying the books for myself, and read the first one on an overnight train trip to Sydney to see Noiseworks film a concert for MTV, talk about a contradiction in terms... I was about 26 at the time.

Catwoman (particularly as played by Julie Newmar) - can remember playing Batman and Robin, with me as Catwoman, with Peter, who lived in our street... I had a crush on him. He got really upset, cause I tried to kiss him... Catwoman was bad, evil and Batman shouldn't kiss her... was I the only 6 year old to understand the URST (unresolved sexual tension) between those two?

Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer ... she was a nerdy, bluestocking girl, who discovered her own power... and she got to make out with Seth Green... but I love her character for saying things like this ... When I'm with a boy I like I can't say anything cool, or witty - or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away... and this... We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy my class notes with a system of different colored pens. But it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane... and this... Okay, the Angel thing went badly, I'm on board with that, but that's not your fault. And anyways, love isn't always like that. Love can be... nice.

Lili Taylor, Actress... she's one of my favourites, I've loved her since Say Anything, particularly in Dogfight with River Phoenix, and Household Saints with Vincent D'Onofrio. Was thrilled when she joined Six Feet Under, my favourite actress in my favourite TV show. She's mesmerising.

Claudia Jean (CJ) Cregg, The West Wing... one of the best female characters created for television... having just watched the final episodes of The West Wing, I'm struck that regardless of the overabundance of mucho macho men, both actors and characters... it is CJ that is the most memorable... in some ways, particularly in the later seasons, she became the heart of the show. Alison Janney is a goddess...

Katherine Hepburn... ah, Kate. Fiercely intelligent, independent, unique, a man's woman, but loved by women as well... who wouldn't want to be her? She was a Jo March too... as well as Susan Vance in Bringing Up Baby, Tracy Lord in The Philadelphia Story, Rose Sayer in The African Queen and who can ever forget her with Spencer Tracy in Adam's Rib, Pat and Mike, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner and my personal favourite, Desk Set, where she plays Bunny, the head of a research department, to Tracy's Richard, who has been brought in to introduce Memorac, a computer to assist them.

Bunny: I don't smoke, I only drink champagne when I'm lucky enough to get it, my hair is naturally natural, I live alone... and so do you.
Richard: How do you know that?
Bunny: Because you're wearing one brown sock and one black sock.

Real Women .... the musical

Today I realised that I hadn't done the Real Woman MEME that Sheila tagged me on. Will admit that I've struggled a bit with this one... what is a real woman... you're asking me? I think it's the word 'real' that I have a problem with, it's a judgement, I struggle a lot with words that can be seen as judgement ... like normal, ordinary... real!

Last night I went to see The Sound of Music Drag Show, as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Talk about laugh until you almost pee... though I will never be able to watch The Sound of Music again without rethinking the Baroness and Maria's relationship!

In the car driving back to where we had all parked in nearby Richmond, we were singing various show tunes, as you do! And today have been thinking about songs from musicals that I feel some connection with, as a woman... so a tongue in cheek response to what is a real woman, as defined by Miss Frou Frou and the wonderful world of musical theatre...

Real Women look out for their friends…
We'll always be bosom buddies, Friends, sisters and pals;
If life should reject you, There's me to protect you.
If I say that your tongue is vicious, If I call you uncouth;
It's simply that who else but a bosom buddy, Will sit down and tell you the truth.

Tho' now and again I'm aware that my candid opinion may sting,
Tho' often my frank observation might scald;
I've been meanin' to tell you for years, you should keep your hair natural like mine,
If I kept my hair natural like yours, I'd be bald.

Each time that a critic has written, "Your voice is the voice of a frog!"
Straight to your side to defend you I rush;
You know that I'm there ev'ry time that the world makes and unkind remark,
When they say "Vera Charles is the world's greatest lush!"

I feel it's my duty to tell you it's time to adjust to your age; you try to be "Peg O' My Heart", when you're "Lady Macbeth."
Exactly how old are you, Vera? The truth! Well, how old do you think? I'd say somewhere in between forty and the death!
Bosom Buddies, Mame, Jerry Herman

Real Women make their own lives…
There's gotta be something better than this,
There's gotta be something better to do.
And when I find me something better to do,
I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out I'm gonna get up, get out and do it!

There's gotta be some respectable trade,
There's gotta be something easy to learn.
And if I find me something a halfwit can learn,
I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out, I'm gonna get up, get out and learn it!

There's gotta be some life cleaner than this,
There's gotta be some good reason to live.
And when I find me some kind of life I can live,
I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out, I'm gonna get up, get out and live it!
There’s Got to Be Something Better Than This, Sweet Charity, Coleman/ Fields

Real Women lead by example…
Careful the things you say, Children will listen.
Careful the things you do, Children will see.
And learn.

Children may not obey, But children will listen.
Children will look to you, For which way to turn,
To learn what to be.

Careful before you say, "Listen to me."
Children will listen.

Careful the wish you make, Wishes are children.
Careful the path they take, Wishes come true,
Not free.

Careful the spell you cast, Not just on children.
Sometimes the spell may last past what you can see
And turn against you...

Careful the tale you tell. That is the spell.
Children will listen...

Guide them but step away, Children will glisten.
Tamper with what is true and children will turn,
If just to be free.

Careful before you say, "Listen to me."
Children will listen...Children will listen!
Children will Listen, Into the Woods, Stephen Sondheim

Real Women are strong even on their own…
I gotta give my life some sparkle and fizz,
And think a thought that isn't wrapped up in his
The place that I consider paradise is,
Wherever he ain't! Wherever he ain't!

No more to wither when he's grouchy and gruff,
No more to listen to him bellow and bluff
Tomorrow morning I'll be strutting my stuff,
Wherever he ain't! Wherever he ain't!

It's time for little Nell to rebel, If he's in Heaven, I'll go to Hell!

I walked behind him like a meek little lamb,
and had my fill of his not giving a damn
I'll go to Sydney or Ceylon or Siam,
Wherever he ain't! Wherever he ain't!

Enough of being bullied and bossed, Ta-ta Auf Wiedersehn and get lost!

My little love nest was a terrible trap,
With me behaving like a simpering sap
And so I'm looking for a spot on the map,
If he's going south, I'm going north,
If he's going back, I'm going forth,
Wherever he ain't!
Wherever He Ain’t, Mack and Mabel, Jerry Herman

Real Women protect those they love…
Nothing's gonna harm you, Not while I'm around
Nothing's gonna harm you, No sir, not while I'm around

Demons are prowling everywhere nowadays
I'll send them howling, I don't care, I've got ways

No one's gonna hurt you, No one's gonna dare,
Others can desert you, Not to worry, whistle I'll be there

Demons'll charm you with a smile for awhile, but in time
Nothing can harm you, not while I'm around.

Being close and being clever, Ain't like being true,
I don't need to, I would never, Hide a thing from you
Like some
Not While I’m Around, Sweeney Todd, Stephen Sondheim

Real Women know what they are capable of…
Anything you can do, I can do better
I can do anything, Better than you.

No, you can't. Yes, I can.
No, you can't. Yes, I can.
No, you can't. Yes, I can, Yes, I can!

Anything you can wear I can wear better.
In what you wear I'd look better than you.
In my coat? In your vest!
In my shoes? In your hat!

No, you can't! Yes, I can Yes, I CAN!

I can jump a hurdle. I can wear a girdle.
I can knit a sweater. I can fill it better!
I can do most anything!
Can you bake a pie? No. Neither can I.
Anything you can do, Annie Get Your Gun, Irving Berlin

And finally, Real Women keep people guessing (this should be my theme song)…
When I'm with her, I'm confused
Out of focus, And bemused
And I never know exactly where I am

Unpredictable as weather,
She's as flighty as a feather
She's a darling, She's a demon
She's a lamb

She'd out pester any pest
Drive a hornet from its nest
She can throw a twirling dervish out of whirl

She is gentle, She is wild
She's a riddle, She's a child
She's a headache, She's an angel
She's a girl!!
Maria, The Sound of Music, Rodgers and Hammerstein

Quotes I Live My Life By...

"I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after" - Chick (I have no idea who this is)

"Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle" - Lewis Carroll

"Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try" - Theodor Geisel, Dr. Seuss

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then" - Katherine Hepburn

"No man is sane who does not know how to be insane on proper occasions" - Henry Ward Beecher

"I love people, I love my family... but inside myself is a place where I live alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up" - Pearl S. Buck

"She is too fond of books, it has turned her brain" - Louisa May Alcott

"Love doesn't make the world go 'round, loves what makes the ride worthwhile" - Franklin P. Jones

"If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle" - Rita Mae Brown

"Reality leaves a lot to the imagination" - John Lennon

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats" - Albert Schweitzer

"Remember to always be yourself, unless you suck..." - Josh Whedon

"Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, work when people are watching" - Scott Adams

"I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional but you can't have everything" - The Purple Rose of Cairo/Woody Allen

"Here's all you have to know about men and women. Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy, is because men are stupid" - George Carlin

"Age is something that doesn't matter - unless you are a cheese" - Billie Burke

"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it" - Dorothy Parker

So Who Needs Roses...

So who needs roses
or stuff like that
so who needs chocolates
they'd make me fat

and I can get along just fine
without a gushing Valentine
and I'd get by, kid
with just the guy, kid

and if he calls me
and it's collect
Sir Walter Raleigh
I don't expect

and though I know I may be left
out on a limb
so who needs roses
that didn't come from him
(Jerry Herman, I Won't Send Roses - Reprise, Mack and Mabel Soundtrack)

I love the song above, and I guess it encapsulates how I feel about love and relationships. I've had several conversations about St Valentine's Day in the last week that have been a bit frustrating.

Peter Rabbit last weekend, used the very male excuse that it is a commercial ripoff...to which I asked, do you buy your Dad a Father's Day present, take your Mum out to lunch for Mother's Day? So what's the difference? Its an excuse to thank someone, to celebrate with someone you care about.

To which he replied, I'd rather do something spontaneous on another day than have to do something on this particular day... which sounds fine but is just ... more boy crap frankly... as February 14th is the perfect day to do something spontaneous... and really how many times do people do loving and special things for their partners or prospective partners that are truly spontaneous?

It then lead into a discussion about how much fuss do you make i.e. must you do flowers, and if you do what kind etc.

A friend once perplexed a room full of boys asking about the whole 'buying flowers' thing by saying she would marry the man who arrived at her door with a bunch of bananas wrapped in ribbon. They thought she was insane, but she turned to me and said you know what I mean don't you... to which I replied yes, you love bananas, and the guy who showed up with a bunch of them would know that, and therefore it would be the perfect gift.

In the same vein,one girlfriend is a savoury rather than sweet person - I'd never buy her chocolate, I'd buy her a gourmet selection of cheeses instead.

And here was I reassuring him that a gesture didn't need to be extravagant to have meaning, to then have two female friends say 'it's roses or nothing', though one then conceded that tulips were ok too. I wanted to bitch slap them both...

So, here are the Miss Frou Frou rules for St Valentines Day:

Yes, I'd love flowers thank you very much, any kind really, though I'm actually not much of a roses girl. I'd much rather have a posy picked from the garden, or a cheerful bunch of multi-coloured gerberas or a bunch of violets. In response to my pretend whinge to my first love that he'd never bought me flowers, he showed up at a pub to celebrate my birthday, many years later, with 10 foot tall sunflowers, carried like a spear over his shoulder. His then girlfriend, now wife, said if you'd seen him at midnight climbing over the back fence stealing these from the neighbours garden, chuckling to himself about how cool these would be, you'd have been in stitches. I loved them, had no flipping idea what to do with them, but I loved them, cause he had taken such pleasure in getting them for me.

And yes, chocolate is also always good... though I'm going to be a bit more of a chocolate snob, and say if you're thinking of buying me a jumbo tin of chocolates from the Reject shop, please don't bother. Lindt chocolate, particularly Lindor, will get my undying gratitude, and I'll even share...

I like the idea of being surprised at work... so send me flowers or a bunch of balloons in the office. I know some people would be mortified if you did the same to them, but heah I love being the centre of attention, so bring it on... though maybe not the male stripper... thanks anyway... But if you're really brave, and you know that I like you, deliver them yourself... but be prepared to be slobbered over...

Again, it's not how much you spend, but it's how much effort you put into it that counts... I like the idea of someone making me a mix tape of songs that remind them of me... or a mix tape of songs they love that they wanted to share with me...

Take me to the movies, to see some sad, soppy film... or better yet, invite me home to dinner, and have the DVD set up with A Room with A View, or When Harry Met Sally or Little Women, and wine and chocolates and a big box of tissues, and be prepared to let me sob into your neck...

I want a card... doesn't have to be a mushy one... actually I prefer funny, weird cards... but I want something that I can keep, with a special message inside... so write an ode to my loveliness and I'll be yours forever...

Grin and bear it... if you're someone who'd rather have a back, sac and crack wax then dance... take me dancing... or some other thing that you know I love that you hate... and I promise to go with you to the monster trucks or the cricket or whatever it is that you do, that I hate. Except camping... if you really want to sleep in a tent and pee in the woods, you can park me at the nearest b' & b' and when you come back after your he-man adventure I'll be there with a bubble bath and a warm bed...

And most importantly of all, let me spoil you... let me buy you flowers and chocolates... or invite you over for a game of strip poker...

And for my Valentine, wherever he may be, in the words of Rodgers and Hart:

My funny Valentine
Sweet comic Valentine
You make me smile with my heart

Your looks are laughable
Unphotographable
Yet you're my favourite work of art

Is your figure less than Greek?
Is your mouth a little weak?
When you open it to speak are you smart?

But don't change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay little Valentine stay
Each day is Valentine's day