Thursday Thirteen #6...It was a dark and stormy night

My 13 Favourite Bulwer-Lytton Contest entries.

Edward George Bulwer-Lytton wrote the following opening paragraph in Paul Clifford, 1830: It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals,when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

The annual Bulwer-Lytton Contest, sponsored by the English Department of the San Jose State University first started in 1982 and can attract 10,000 entries each year for composing the opening sentence for the worst possible novel. There is a website where you can find the rules of the contest and some of the past winners and dishonourable mentions. Compiled below are some of my favourites from the 2006 contest.

Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean. Jim Quigli, Carmichael CA - 2006 Winner

"I know what you're thinking, punk," hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, "you're thinking, 'Did he use six superfluous adjectives or only five?' - and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' - well do you, punk?" Stuart Vasepuru, Edinburgh, Scotland - 2006 Runner Up

It was a day, like any other day, in that Linus got up, faced the sunrise, used his inhaler, applied that special cream between his toes, wrote a quick note and put it in a bottle, and wished he'd been stranded on the island with something other than 40 cases each of inhalers, decorative bottles, and special toe cream. Chris Harget, Campbell CA - Dishonourable mention - Adventure, 2006

When Debbie decided that Salt 'n' Pepper Beard was the most attractive pirate on the ship, she realized that choosing him was due to the advice of Sylvia, her new Life Coach, to be realistic about her own age and to open herself up to romance where it lay, unlike the troublesome past where she would have wished that only the younger pirates take advantage of her. Jim Guigli, Carmichael, CA - Dishonourable Mention - Historical Fiction 2006

Lisa moved like a cat, not the kind of cat that moves with a slinky grace but more like the kind that always falls off the book shelf when he's washing himself and then gets all mad at you like it's your fault (which it wasn't although it probably was kind of mean to laugh at him like that), although on the bright side, she hardly ever attacked Ricky's toes in his sleep. Debra Allen, Wichita Falls, TX - Dishonourable Mention, Purple Prose, 2006

Sex with Rachel after she turned fifty was like driving the last-place team on the last day of the Iditarod Dog Sled Race, the point no longer the ride but the finish, the difficulty not the speed but keeping all the parts moving in the right direction, not to mention all that irritating barking. Dan Winters, Los Altos Hills, CA - Runner up, Romance, 2006

Herr Professor Doktor Weiss' reputation was made when he conclusively proved the fraudulency of the Mayan codex that claimed to show that that ancient people knew the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter to an exactitude unknown until modern times, in his article, "Bye, Bye, Mesoamerican Pi." John L. Drost, Barboursville, WV - Runner up, Vile Puns, 2006

Cheralynn posed before the unblinking mirror, panting weakly, as her private surgeon hovered around her, tightening the straps on her custom-made girdle, and it dawned on her for the first time in her pampered, overindulged 49 years, that it was only a matter of time before she would succumb to Furniture Disease, and her chest would fall into her drawers. Tracey MacDonald, Antigonish, Nova Scotia, Dishonourable Mentions, Vile Puns, 2006

Butch glared balefully across the saloon at Tex, who had been stone dead since the scorpion he had unwittingly sat on had bitten him on the butt some half an hour or so ago, little suspecting that this was going to be his toughest staring contest since the one against old Glass-eyed Juan, during the great sand-storm of '42, at the height of the Arizona conjunctivitis epidemic. Geoff Blackwell, Bundaberg QLD, Australia - Runner Up, Western 2006

Getting the performance rating of highly successful, although clearly nothing to be ashamed of, left Blevins somewhat oddly dissatisfied, like when you realize, upon having the triage nurses greet your ambulance, that your underwear, as far as you can determine, is in pretty decent condition, but you'll, nonetheless, never pull through the surgery. Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville, Maryland - Miscellaneous Dishonourable Mention, 2006

Ah, yes, it was a beautiful face with skin smoother than pumice and breath fresher than a twenty-five-day-old tuna sandwich stored for safe keeping in a Wichita schoolgirl's lunchbox, and I found myself beset, nay, overcome, with twin urges: to ravish her there and then on the cash register, or to slough off the skin of my calloused feet on the stubble of her chin. Cathy Bannister, Kaleen, Canberra, Australia,Miscellaneous Dishonourable Mention, 2006

The day was like any other, except that this was a Wednesday so it was really only like 1/7th of the other days. Randy Wilson, New Albany, IN, Miscellaneous Dishonourable Mention, 2006

Frank took one look at Tina's moderately shapely legs, her adequate waist, her decent bosom, and her not-unattractive face, and said to himself "Well, hello Miss You'll-Do-Until-Something-Better-Comes-Along!" Lawrence Person, Austin, TX, Miscellaneous Dishonourable Mention, 2006