Meditative Musings #2... The High Priestess...

I've been reading back through my Meditation/ Tarot Group journal, looking at some of the meditations and the themes underlying them. Some weeks my journal simply records my observations of the card, and other notes on how successfully I meditated. In other instances there are characters that I'd like to try to tie together into some form of narrative, as it seems they are the same people, being represented at different stages. I'm going to try to flesh some of this out here over time, not in any linear fashion, just picking things at random...

The Lady of the Lake (Arthurian Tarot)... The High Priestess in the Tarot can represent knowledge (particularly esoteric), enlightenment, inspiration, wisdom, learning, counsel, physic healing. She is the virgin goddess, the moon daughter...she can be an enlightened but chaste woman or a mysterious woman, a femme fatale...she can also represent the need for solitude, seclusion and meditation.

I've always been drawn to this card, and strongly identify with her even though I also strongly identify with the other feminine Archetype, the Empress at times. My inner conflict between Aphrodite and Persephone...

My Meditation Journal - June 16th 2005... In the card itself, the trees stood out initially ... I've been having regular meditations and dreams about trees...the trees in this card are very similar to the trees in my dreams.

I have been having weird and strange dreams for quite sometime now, but I do not have a clear recollection of the dreams contents, just a sense of unease and feeling unfulfilled on waking. Most involve some element of searching for something. I have slept a lot lately, needing to escape into dreams and I feel like I am often in a half awake/ half asleep state.

Other things that drew me to this particular card... the soft blue/ greys, the sense of roundness in the oval arch and curve created by the canopy of trees.

While I noticed the sword, it wasn't as important to me as the open book... always the High Priestess prompts me to think about study, studiousness, contemplation and looking inner.

In my life at present there is a recurring theme of connections, circles looping back over each other. A sense of repetitiveness but also one of newness.

There are constant reminders of my father. Echoes of my relationship with him with others. TV, movies, music and books are all reminding me of him and my relationship with him, both the good and bad.

I'm feeling a bit old - that there are experiences that I haven't had that have passed me by.

I'm very tired and it's almost like I feel defenseless. That it would be easy to be overtaken by other people's wants and needs. Possibly that's why I've been spending so much time on my own - as if I can't cope with the noise of others.

I'm veiling my feelings in some ways by withdrawing. But at the same time instead of putting on a happy face and allowing others to impose their will...I'm walking away.

Some would say I'm being passive about my needs but it's more that I'm unclear about what my needs are. Instead of putting others first I'm asserting myself but in a passive way.

I'm almost obsessively craving privacy... I have been for most of the year... I want to be alone!

I have a strong sense that I have led a solitary existence before,
this being alone is not the first time for me, nor will it be the last.

Now... well, my first impressions would be that nothing much has changed... though I don't think that is really true. I have certainly been spending significant periods of time on my own... through choice... I think those around me are starting to realise how necessary it is for me to be alone.

In the almost two years since I had wrote the above, I have grown and have learnt a great deal about myself and the boundaries I place around myself. While I am a very outgoing and social creature, I am still very much a loner... so the High Priestess/ Empress conflict still exists, but I find myself more comfortable with myself in that regard. It does not have to be an either/or, I can be, and am both those archetypes... and need both elements of the feminine to be happy.

Now, if I could only find myself a man who is a combination Magician/Hermit who will understand the duality of my character, I'd be content... of course, to find him, means I probably should get out of the house more...